Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

I think you need to start telling everyone you can. He is going to go into damage mode and try and make it seem like you have overreacted, or you’re crazy and emotionally unstable. You’re none of these things. He doesn’t deserve protecting. Speaking of protection, you need to get yourself checked at an std clinic asap. I’m sorry, but you just can’t be took careful and you know you can’t believe him.

As pp says definitely get tested straight away. You have no idea how long this has been going on for and what's he's been doing.

If you are planning to divorce him (I would too) then there are the following steps from my understanding; edit - sorry my bullet points and numbers went wrong!)

1. File for divorce - very quick and easy - costs around £500. He will be notified fairly quickly so you might not want to show him that hand yet. There is then a cooling off period. You’ll need your marriage certificate and passport I think. No solicitor needed.
2. File for an interim order - again fairly simple to do. Advice given to me was to not file for this but until the financial order was close.
3. Get a financial order or consent order to decide how to divide marital assets. You will both need to provide full and frank disclosure of everything but many men play silly buggers here. So this is where prep could help. You will need to get;
4. all assets - house valuation, pension valuations, savings, car valuations etc.
5. you will need to know any debts - mortgage, loans and credit cards etc. -
6. you will need to provide proof of income.
7. You will need an idea of your future needs living alone.

The Form E covers it. These are the documents and information you could start to gather if you feel up to it. If you have figures ready then you will make the most of any free half hour legal consults.

4once you have the consent/financial order, it’s safe to file for the final order (what used to be the decree absolute) which finalises the divorce. if you don’t secure the financial agreement before the final order, there is a risk of financial claims post divorce.

Getting a financial agreement is one of the bits that can be tricky. There are ways of doing it without solicitors as the costs of going through court are astronomical (£50,000 in fees roughly). You can use mediation which is cheaper than using solicitors. The Amicable app may be if you feel you can. It doesn’t have to be acrimonious or a war. But I don’t have faith that your H isn’t going to turn nasty. You’ll need your wits about you

In terms of living arrangements and child care, you can have one free mediation session to try and agree. You can go through family courts of mediation doesn’t work but the ideal is that you work together as co parents to create a child focussed plan. It’s going to be tough but you’ll need to put your anger to onside for this bit. Invest in a punch bag!

So I wish you could just kick him out and be done with him but sadly you are going to have to work together on the divorce (can all be done remotely) and of course you still have to parent together.

I’ll hope and pray he disappears in a puff of smoke though

Just to make people aware, if you don't know, but there are many secret messaging apps that look like something else. Some appear to be games, there's one that looks like a calculator app and even one that looks like a news site with message notifications popping up as 'news alerts' to a casual glance. If someone is tech savvy, it's worth checking their frequently used apps to check if there's something being used much more than would make sense.

@mouseymouse123

As far as 'ducks in a row', here are my suggestions.

Make an appointment with a solicitor. This isn't to 'file anything', it's to educate yourself as to what divorce may mean to you.

Make a list of questions to ask the solicitor. If you can take someone reliable with you as a second set of ears, a 'question prompter', and/or a note taker do so.

Before the solicitor appt:

Gather all financial documents you can get your hands on or make a list. Mortgage and deeds (names on them and mortgage amount/balance), both of your incomes and pensions (if not his amounts, do you know the 'sources'), asset information (again, if you don't know his amounts do you know where accounts are), household 'outgoings'. If there are drawers or cabinets you can go through to get this info, do it! Heck, search the wastepaper bins. You'll want these to have a 'snapshot' of finances to show the solicitor. This can help with giving you an idea of what type of settlement you may expect and what child maintenance might be.

Think about the house and what you might want. Buy him out? Him buy you out? Sell and split the profit?

Think about what you'd like for child access. 50/50? EOW? The solicitor can tell you what is realistic.

I know doing the above sounds daunting, but once you get starting you'll get your momentum and finish the tasks. And you don't have to make any final decisions now. The solicitor is a 'fact finding mission'. If you don't manage to gather all, go anyway.

Next, if you can, gather together passports and birth certs for yourself and the DC. Your marriage certificate too. And get them to your mum's for safekeeping. Same for any financial documents you locate (hard in these days of online I know!).

After that, are there precious objects, photos, sentimental items that you don't want to lose? To Mum's with them, too. You've already told him you want a divorce, so these things going 'walkies' don't really need to be snuck out.

Right now, no matter what you've already told him, go stealth. Do NOT tell him you're seeing a solicitor. Do NOT tell him any plans and do not mention divorce again if he doesn't. If he does, do NOT discuss divorce with him or agree to anything. Remember "I don't know" and "I'll have to think about that". Those should be your answers to any questions he has.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I know you feel as if every ounce of strength has been zapped out of you. But it hasn't. It's still there. All it takes for you to find it again is to take one step towards securing your own and your DC's future. Knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed.

Remember that 1000s of women have been where you are and 1000s will follow you. You are not alone.

PS

Change your computer passwords.

I know it's hard to think of him as an 'enemy', but at this point he is definitely NOT your friend.

And I know you say he wants to 'save us', but once he realizes that you are implacable on wanting to end the marriage he may turn nasty or vindictive. They often do. Be prepared for that.

If I’m included in that reference to point-scoring, may I mention that drawing people’s attention to the ‘see all’ function stops OP having to ‘plough through’ lots of posts saying ‘that’s not much evidence’ and ‘men rarely cheat at home’ which could actually be very tiresome if not painful for her.

Thank you @LIPFearFactor and @AcrossthePond55 that's such helpful information.

Regarding living situation - fom my understanding divorces can take years and unfortunately long-term we are going to have to sell the house (neither of us could afford to buy the other out), so we will have to make some kind of arrangement for access to the house/children while that all happens. Although we have a spare bedroom I don't feel I can continue to be under the same roof as him. The only way I can see it is to take turns living there with DDs, does this make sense? Does anyone have any better solution? I want to cause as little disruption to the kids as possible, and his mum's place would not be suitable for them to stay at.

My brother did this. Worked brilliantly, but obviously expensive.

There is no legal reason why a divorce takes years, that will be because the two people don't agree / complete their paperwork quickly / delay for 101 reasons squabble re children / squabble re money

yes there is a set time for each bit of the divorce but it's not years, if anyone agrees it could be in the region of not much longer than 6 months.

The govt website is quite good for you to have a look at
https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

I suppose in an ideal / organised world on Monday morning you would

1. get a std test
2. seek a solicitor
3. get 3 ? valuations from estate agents
4. File for the divorce online - if you have the £600 ish available to do so

Honestly op, I would slow down.

of course you are reeling and hurting but you don’t need to rush straight to solicitor or filing for divorce. Not because I’m saying forgive him or anything, but take a month or two to process your feelings, to build strength , for things to feel less raw, then when you’re ready do it. You’ll likely have to both stay in same house for a while while you with things through

I would think about yourself as well as the children. If you want to do bird nesting or whatever it's called where you each take turns moving out, what arrangement do you think will work best for you and the kids given your work pattern and how the children are typically parented. I would book a solicitor to talk options through. Then you need to resolve finances and child arrangements. This can be done privately or through mediation or court. Don't assume he will stay co-operative (hopefully he will but he is not your friend and has already shown you he can't be trusted).

@Permanentlytiredout47oh wow - every day is a school day! I guess it’s a risky business regardless.

Why was it expensive? I was thinking each of our "off" days could be spent at parents because they are nearby. Was your brother paying for extra accommodation or am I missing something?

That’s called ‘nesting’. So you each live at the house when looking after the kids but then live somewhere else when you are not.

I did it for a while with ex and it worked fine.

Yes. That’s likely to be the expense. Some couple buy or rent another space that they use. But staying at parents would be perfect I think.

I can’t imagine the tension of having to share a space with him!

Really? I'm getting the impression that everything needs to be done ASAP but I'm not totally sure why. If I can take some time that would definitely reduce my stress levels right now.

You can take as long as you need. As there is a cooling off period anyway, it makes sense to file for divorce as soon as possible and then deal with everything during the cooling-off period. The filing process can be done within a few hours, if not quicker. The whole process beyond the intial feeling will take months.

Re the shared house. Right now, I think it is probably the best to keep the childen settled. But in years to come you may wish to have another relationship (I know this is the last thing on your mind right now), and then you may want to sell the house so you can afford to have your own space with a new partner (in time, not now) which is why it can be expensive to have a shared house.

You have been so badly betrayed and I am so sorry he did this to you. As others have said, shame must change sides. This is his shame. His bad behaviour. It is not yours to own or be responsible for. Hold your head high.

The main thing to do now is take copies of and store key documents. Just in case you need them and just in case he plays silly buggers later. But there might not be a hurry if you think he’s not thinking about it all yet. Next three weeks is fine.

Other than that your main job is looking after yourself.

Yes, re "nesting" I only meant while everything with divorce and house sale gets sorted. In the long term I will definitely want my own place.

We had friends who did that, and it worked for a short time while it needed to, for the DC especially, but it was miserable for both the parents, and not sustainable long term. They eventually did the inevitable and sold the house to each get their own places. If that’s what is going to end up having to happen it might be best to rip off the bandaid and start that process early on and have everything clean and clear.

100% agree with across the pond te advice
Take photos of anything you can get your eyes on.
Make notes of account numbers and banks / companies.
Keep emyoir powder dry ,Don t discuss anything .Good luck

If you have had unprotected sex with him, you need to get checked yourself.

I think the advice aPP gave to slow down is a good idea. There’s no rush. Take it day by day. I also think the kids staying in the same house while you both come and go is easier on them than having to move each week between parents. If you can make that work I’d choose that. What is your husband saying atm? Or haven’t you talked at all since you found things out?