Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

This

He s the one in the wrong here
You don t deserve to be treated the way he s behaved in your marraige.
He should move out.
I ve known couples to have the house valued at time of seperation and allow the other partner to stay.
Dividing the equity in the house once its sold further down the line.He ll need to provide you with money for the children, you might also be entitled to UC ,you might find you can renegotiate your mortgage payments meantime.
Look into all that.
He should do the decent thing by you.

You need to think clearly and not make rush decisions that you may regret later on.

I meant people replying, not the OP.

Take a deep breath, another deep breath and then another… You’re obvs busy with a 6 year old and a three year old (and it’s wonderful you have a cleaner to help, who is IMHO, most likely the source of the earring back and false nail…!).

If you have a trustworthy female relative who could babysit +/- put your children to bed (if they’re amenable to it), you could arrange for a nice evening out with your husband (that fits in with your schedules). No accusing, no talk of that… just deep breaths and remember some good times… Just a simple dinner that you wanted to share with him, because life is busy and you wanted to have a little time together, with no cooking or washup needed…😃 Best of luck!!

🫤

Er. Read the OPs updates …

Shit. You poor thing. Install a camera. Get evidence. Get rid .Love and luck to you

I think if it continues to be both of your house you will fall into familiar patterns and the hurt extends.

My ex never cheated but he did hit me alot, and a few days apart, looking through less bruises and fresher eyes with him 'trying' just prolonged in for a few years, assaults still came - and he will still cheat.

You need to try and disengage your brain that you both live there, he or you can not continue to live there on seperate days.

Best thing I ever did was say no more, finally pack his shit up and left it outside. It was 100x easier than following the same pattern on repeat of, you do mon-fri evenings ill do sat-sun. Or letting him stay over on the sofa to make it normal for the kids.

That is not a normal,the kids will see through it. Mum and dad are either together or their not, don't confuse them to try make his life easier. Pick your battle and let it be this.

Start looking for new homes. My ex had the kids at my own mothers house overnight, it was not fun for him or my parents but I knew if I allowed less I'd be resuming a pattern.

He's bringing prostitutes back to the house when you're out. I'm an ex sex worker. The amount of marital beds men took me to is astounding.

I would see a solicitor as soon as possible and file for divorce. I would get the house on the market now too. It might be sold by Christmas.

You have supportive parents so you can crack on.

In your shoes, nothing would delay me. I would not give this marriage a minute more of me than I have to. He's been shagging prostitutes in your own bed FFS!

Honestly calm down. Sit down and have a drink. Say nothing and just keep your eyes open.
If you have a cleaner when is he going to time for any opportunities .
It may be the cleaner brings a friend with her who has false nails, or the previous cleaning job she got a false nail caught in her clothing.
Think I’d be quizzing the cleaner and she’d be the one who would know, just watch her reaction around you, pitying looks ?

Oh my god people. Read the OPs updates. ‘See all’ does the job.

OP has found messages on his phone, he’s been with prostitutes for ‘massages and conversation’

Yo don’t need to ‘do’ anything right now.

give yourself some time and space so you can think rationally, calmly and think things through

eg child arrangements, money, financials. It takes a lot out of even the most rational person- high emotions right now are not the time imo

Sadly he’s been messaging prostitutes and seeing them for ‘massages and conversation’
Nothing that can be fixed by taking a deep breath and going out for dinner….

Are you kidding? Ffs.. why do people jump on a thread that is 6 pages long and not read the updates. Absolutely baffling. You dont even need to read the whole thread.

😂

Oh god.. how can people be so dim to join a thread that is 6 pages long and not check the OP's updates. I find it totally baffling. You don't even need to read the whole thread anymore. 😂

The ducks are all the necessary pieces of financial and betrayal information and a plan to progress through the next steps.

If he has lied about this and continues to lie, with the palpably ludicrous claims of information & massage, he cannot be trusted and is not the man you thought he was you thought you had married.

Your best, (superhuman!) option is to draw an emotional line. The relationship has been whatever it’s been and has produced two children you hopefully love and cherish. That’s not a failure. That’s a stage of your life. Well done for that. The betrayal and pain are now part of the tapestry of your life. That’s has happened. You can focus on the hurt and injustice and lies and betrayal and revulsion etc, or you can focus on knowing you are better than that, your children deserve at least one honourable compassionate parent who does not diminish women for kicks. You are that parent. You are the decent, loyal and reliable parent and role model they need. You represent the sane world they want to inhabit. You can choose to deal with your feelings and the changes this will have, away from the drama of your husband’s lies. You can make space for yourself without giving him the time of day. His dealings are now about the practicalities of divorce and being response for his children. You do not need to find out anything more from him. Your time is too important to waste on meeting any of his needs. That stage of your life is released.

I’ve seen several divorces close up and can say the effect on children is wide and varied depending on their characters, ages, the family dynamic and finances — strained finances and one parent “punishing” the other with lack of money or access etc is all felt most acutely by the children.

it would be least disruptive if you can agree that the children stay in their home and you each take it in turns to stay with them for however you work it out.

Relying on solicitors to deal with divorce can become expansive. Make a list of how you want the process to go. Who will realistically do what % of childcare and whose income will cover the time and money needed for the children and whoever cares for them? Every agreement you can make without arguing through solicitors will save you a lot. Consider if you have a competent friend who help you navigate this. Is there someone who can mediate between you & your husband if necessary to come to a possible solution before the solicitor gets involved.

coming up with a practical solution that both parties follow can be difficult. Be clear. Be solution focussed with him/get someone to deal with him if he’s not being reasonable so you don’t have to. He will probably behave better with a third party than you.

He has shown his colours now you can withdraw your emotional support of him and focus on yourself, your needs and the children. You deserve better but only you can make it better - he can’t be anything other than he has shown himself to be.

Yes, it's called 'nesting'. Kids stay put, parents come and go. It can work but I don't think it's simple as it sounds.

You and he would in essence be supporting 2 households @ 50% each if you both rented your own places. Could you both afford that? You need to be sure also that he'd keep up his end of that financial bargain. I know of one couple who rented a one bed flat and shared it, each there when the other was with the DC. It did NOT work because, although they'd worked up an 'agreement', the man wouldn't keep to the agreement of 'no shagging here' and he carried on believing that it was his STBXW job to be chief cook and bottle washer. He wouldn't change the sheets as agreed upon and if he did he'd leave them for her to wash. He left the place a mess for her to clean up and although he'd load the dishwasher he didn't soak & scrape burnt on pans or scrape food bits in the bin. He also would never turn it on. I could go on but you get the drift.

If you don't mind my asking, why do you feel you can't be in the same house with him? Is it that the feelings are too 'raw'? Because that will fade in time. I'm not saying what to do, but try to play the long game rather than basing decisions on what you feel right now. If you try 'cohabiting together apart' it may be that he decides to leave because he won't get the full 'bachelor life' whilst in the family home. And he especially may not like having to do 50% of all house and parent duties. Because as of right now anything you do for him needs to stop. No laundry, no 'admin work', no cooking for and no cleaning up after him. If there's another bathroom, start using it and let him clean the one he uses. Sit down and make a list of 'domestic duties and 'invite' him to sit with you and work out who does what.

A divorce won't take 'years' unless he is going to fight you every step of the way, argue about settlement and/or child arrangement, or is going to hide money so your solicitor has to use a forensic accountant to look for it.

Listen, right now who lives where and how long things are going to take are 'tomorrow problems'. See a solicitor. They can answer a lot of your 'how long' questions. As far as who lives where, if he mentions 'reconciliation' tell him you need time alone to think things through. Let him think there's a chance even if you know down to your marrow it isn't happening. That might encourage him to stay at his mum's at least for a bit.

And don't think anything you do or say (within the law of course) to get what you need, be it information for divorce or staying in the house, is 'wrong'. He has violated your trust and his marriage vows. You owe him nothing, he deserves no consideration or honesty from you.

I am so sorry you are going through this, well done for taking a strong stance this will be the best for you in the long run but must be so hard now

Please try and hold it in. If you accuse him, and he is innocent, you have lit a fuse to a bomb. He may cease to trust you. Be sure before any accusation.

Please read all OPs updates, thread is 12 pages now. It changed a long time ago.

As someone whose husband was cheating for 6 months, I don’t think this is enough for you to be so upset over. For me it was texting at weird times and disappearing to the loo for ages and there was digital proof in the end as men suck at covering that stuff. I honestly think this isn’t a just a misunderstanding and something that got into your home some other way.

we once found a hotel key card in my friends husbands car! He wasn’t cheating and was utterly shocked! We think a woman at his work who was trying to destroy his marriage and kept offering him rides even though she traveled from opposite end of town over a toll bridge deliberately dropped it in his window to make his wife leave him. If you find something like that then you need to worry.