Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

Saying men do something isn’t empathetic. I wasn’t empathetic about what my ex did and I binned him off. We have a child so unfortunately still linked to him!

I'm sorry OP

I wouldn't want a man who thinks consent can be bought. Ugh

Sorry for the silence, I am trying to keep it together for my girls this morning and haven't had chance to read all the messages. I just wanted to say thank you all again, your kindness is overwhelming ❤️

Thanks also to those who have offered continued support. If I need to post again for advice (I don't know what I don't know yet!) should I continue on this thread or start a new one? x

No need to apologise, as I’m not bothered, I’m just pointing it out as silly. Also no need to spend your life scrolling through replies; hit ‘see all’ under the OP and you see all her posts, which is what I suggested when I said people couldn’t be bothered to read her posts. Her posts, not all the replies.

Am so so sorry OP, so very sorry you're going through this.
Advice from me is to carry on as normal, the best you can for now, for the sake of the children and don't make any decisions just yet. Allow yourself time to hurt and get your head around all this but above all, be kind to yourself. When you are ready, contact a solicitor.

Have you friends/family you can lean on for support? I really hope so, even if just for a cuppa and chat or to come watch the children so you can get out and have 30 mins to yourself.

I know it's just a platitude but taking things hour by hour so you don't become overwhelmed by the enormity of things. Definitely tell a person in real life that you trust. Don't take his shame as yours and think you have to keep it to yourself. I think that's really important. And don't let him guilt you into thinking you did anything wrong. It's all on him. Take care x

To those questioning the timeline, yes that's exactly how it happened. Why on earth would I be making this up?? What a horrible response.

To anyone else more helpful, please can you explain exactly what is meant by getting my ducks in a row? I am utterly clueless here. We don't really have documents in the house because everything is online. We have one joint bank account that we both pay into (for mortgage, bills etc) but our salaries go into personal accounts and I don't have access to his or to his pension

@mouseymouse123

I personally would stick to this thread rather than starting a new one, it is easier for ' us ' and you to keep track.

as someone else said, do not hide his secrets - this is his doing / shame not yours.

You are not at fault here !

One day at a time
tho right now it's one hour at a time

Thank you for your expert mumsnet insight. I will try not to be so ‘silly’ next time 🙄

Just ignore those unhelpful posts Op. Some people just have such perfect lives and don't want to believe these things can happen. Unfortunately, I know only too well that they do.

so my first question would be - for you your wages go into your personal account which is good, do you then transfer money to the joint account for bills ?

are you renting or mortgaged - if so is your name def on both the mortgage and the house deeds .

Right? Just as well we have this poster to keep us in check 🙄.

I was one of the “silly ones” who also posted before reading the OP’s crucial update. Given that it happened within a couple of hours of her first post, I didn’t think to check all of her posts as I didn’t think the situation would have changed so quickly.

Gotta love the mumsnet police 😂.

so once ' we ' have stopped scoring points with each other and the op has to plough through all that

@mouseymouse123 back to ' ducks in a row '

ducks in a row is getting knowledge of all money matters and working out what you can / cannot afford.

but before we do that

you and ' we ' need to know / think about what you want to do ?

You say he left last night, is he back ? is he coming back ? have you heard from him, where has he gone - do you know.

do you want him back ?

Yes we each have our wages go into a personal account, then we transfer into the joint account from which all bills are taken.

We are mortgaged and I believe my name is on both the mortgage and house deeds.

He went and stayed at his mum's house (who is not there right now). I asked him to come back at lunchtime to look after the DDs, I did not speak to him, and have just come to my parents house (my mum is thankfully nearby and my best friend). I told him last night there is no way back from this and I want a divorce. I feel the same way today.

ok, so have you told your Mum.

and you have decided you want a divorce.

what did he say in response, does he know you want a divorce ?

Yes I haven't gone into details with my mum right now but she knows the gist. I know my parents will do everything they can to help me and DDs.

He knows I want a divorce, he's desperate to "save us" but to me that's impossible.

i think, and this is only my thought ! hopefully others will come along to confirm or deny this

I think if he wants / chooses to come back home, that you cannot stop him I think this because of other threads i have read - I have no experience of this myself.

So do you think he will be willing to continue to stay at Mums ( or elsewhere )

can he afford to rent an airb&b or a rental property ?

Dear @mouseymouse123 “ getting your ducks in a row” means sorting out all your financial stuff. You should call a good solictor, usually they give 30 min free consultation. This can be next week and not today. Keep posting on this thread for support.

OP didn’t say anything about fake nails, just said she hadn’t seen her cleaner wear them.

I think legally if he is on the house deeds he can’t be locked out but if she makes her wishes very clear he’d be a fool to insist.

I know a lady that worked as an escort, it was common to go to peoples homes and they would have someone wait outside in a car to check in with, ensure they weren’t scammed etc.

My ex saw prostitutes in our home. It does happen.