Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

Agreed.

My running coach gave me a hug at Parkrun a couple of weeks ago. He has no untoward interest in me at all.

The OP really has dodged a bullet.

There we have it.

He's accused you of inappropriate behaviour because he's a massive cheating arsehole and is projecting.

You're better off without the little turd.

This

Mine got that bad,i went into town,as i did every friday morning,to meet my father and was screamed at for 'using my father as a smokescreen for shagging another man!' (God knows where I'd put baby dd as my father never did babysitting)

Then he accused me of shagging my own father!

Sick fucker-all over and innocent coffee with the man who'd done his bit to make me

I think he realised he'd gone too far but refused to back down so I walked away

Hes still out there,telling everyone the reason he dumped me is because I was shagging anything that moved,including my own family members,any bloke i came into contact with and female friends

(His ex before me (apparently) was a married woman who was knocking him off and cheating on him with yet another man and somehow,this was all my fault and the cause of his trust issues)

Late to the thread but if anyone is jealous of other half receiving a hug, they are the one with issues!!

I can give you a few useful phrases if you like.

I believe that kurwa/kurva is understood in most Slavic languages.

Also, jebi se.

I'm half Eastern European myself. Unfortunately, there are still some E.E. men who have the "traditional" misogynistic arsehole mindset.

I recall Mum telling me that Dad wouldn't carry her shopping bag for her when she was pregnant with me because it was "unmanly". He got such a fright when he nearly lost both of us at the birth that he was instantly cured of his misogyny and would happily carry her shopping bag, handbag, anything at all as required.

He also became a dab hand at housework.

Your ex is beyond redemption. Blocking him was the right move.

Well this is one of the reasons I think I may have let things slide ABIT, I know he didn't have the best upbringing and has had some hard times .. I also know his father was not great to his mom and not growing up here I thought that maybe it's just a barrier we need to come across but I see now that he was just an abusive prick I mean... There is over 400 comments and not one tells me any different!

Why are they like this 😭

have you let things slide also because you were hoping to have children with him?

No, that was never the plan to be honest

Because something is missing in their brains

Normal people want their partner to be happy,the best they can do and be for them

These people cant feel this,their reaction is to control others because it makes them feel better

They think of others as chess pieces to move around the board and if that 'chess piece' dares to move to another square,they cant cope and lash out

You then move back to where they placed you and life goes on until you dare to not stay where they've moved you again so they start up again so you move back to where they want you

The only way forward is to step off the chess board

Oh and do the freedom programme (im sure someone will have linked to it-ive not read the whole thread)

I promise,one day you'll look back and wonder what the fuck you ever saw in him-i wasted almost 4 years (2 broken ribs,black eyes,a broken wrist/finger and clumps of hair) on my loser

Don't be me

Get out to creamfields with your mates,have a blast and remember,he's really not worth it

Yeah. No excuses.

I mean...My dad was born before WW2 in a village halfway up a mountainside at the back of beyond. One of his sisters was illiterate because you didn't spend money on educating girls...

Dad actually only had 3 years at primary school and then worked on his dad's farm. (I mean..."hard times"? Dad's village was razed to the ground during the war.)

Honestly, if someone with Dad's start in life could adapt to life in the West, then there's no excuse for your ex.

Footnote

On the one hand E.E. society can be misogynistic; on the other hand an E.E. granny would soon sort out your ex.

Some years back, I was visiting my dad's homeland and a cousin's husband (big oaf) criticised my poor command of the language.

HIs MIL, my aunty went ballistic. "How DARE you criticise Weary. She was born in Scotland and her first language is English! What do you MEAN by saying...?"

Have you ever seen a 6ft brick shithouse of a policeman babbling "I'm sorry! I thought she was was born here!" whilst cowering in fear? 'Twas magnificent.

Good on you!!!

That kind of jealousy is poison, and I suspect often dangerous. Be grateful he's demonstrated it.

I supposed it's just possible he's manufactured a reaction as an excuse to get rid.

Either way a very lucky escape for the OP.

I’m so pleased you’ve had your moment of realisation. The twisted logic and his jealousy is no way to live. He doesn’t trust, because he can’t be trusted.

Do not get persuaded back. Tell him you think he’s right, you’re not the one… and wave him goodbye. He’ll be back begging. Grey rock and the police - early if it gets heated.

Expect your mind to play tricks on you, but switch on your logic brain. Check back here for updates and reassurance. Do not look back.

@Optimisticdramalarma that is truly wild. What an accusation! Did he look like he realised how ridiculous it sounded as it came out of his mouth?

Love it Weary ❤️

The 'big oaf' was just the icing on the cake 😂

You are right to feel hurt but you definitely dodged a bullet.

Let him stay your ex boyfriend

Trust me I’ve dealt with a partner like this, and their insecurities only make it a thoroughly miserable relationship for you. The stress of treading on eggshells so they won’t kick off and accuse you of stuff, will make you ill.

And it’s highly likely he’s insecure because he’s projecting. He’s probably been messing around with other women, so in his mind if he does, you do too.

You dodged a bullet.

I've just been reading this really interesting article in The Guardian, How to Spot a Psychopath, that seems to apply to your situation @Wittypeach. Especially these two quotes from Essi Viding, professor of developmental psychopathology at UCL, and co-director of the Developmental Risk and Resilience Unit:

"Often both predator and victim know it’s a lie, or the predator is accusing the victim of exactly the thing he or she just did, or the lie has been expressed using the victim’s own language. Reverse attribution is so familiar in the domestic-abuse sphere that it has its own acronym: DARVO, for Deny / Attack / Reverse Victim and Offender – yet it still absolutely fogs the victims, who feel their credibility is permanently in doubt."

... and...

"“As I’ve done this research for 20-plus years now, I have increasingly started to think we really need to understand more about how we can inoculate people against being victimised. Because based on the literature, and what little I know about evolutionary and cross-cultural psychology, we are very unlikely to weed these traits out.”

I wish the article had gone on to say exactly how we can 'inoculate' ourselves! But obviously a major part of it is being able to recognise the signs.

Wow!

I think it did but he couldn't bear to lose face so dug his heels in

I'll never forget the look on adult dds face

'You think she's shagging my grandad?!'

'Yep...'

That's when I lost it and I've never spoken to him since

Still at it 15 years on that I was shagging anyone who looked at me

I wish I do have the skill of making every man,straight,gay,bi etc fall at my feet and want to shag me silly but alas,I dont

"saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her"

No woman of his? He does not own you.

You are well rid of him, he sounds absolutely awful.

Well done on blocking this stupid clown 🤡

Urgh, stick that in the bin. Couldn't be doing with that shit. His woman? Really?

This strop over a PT hugging you gives me the ick. Our PT hugs me all the time. Literally never thought twice about it.

I promise you OP, you DO NOT want a relationship with a man who has jealousy issues to this degree! He will NEVER trust you, and you would have row, after row, after row, if the relationship continued. I honestly think that he did you a MASSIVE favour! Have a bit of a cry if you want to, but then be grateful that you dodged this particular bullet.