Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

@Wittypeach he cheated and blamed you? In what loving relationship does someone cheat to prove a point? He wasn’t protecting your relationship or caring for you - putting you at risk of STIs or worse. Kindly, I think you need to work on your own self esteem.

Please, please, please make sure he doesn’t have a secret key (change the locks), block from your side as well, and DO NOT let him back in to your life.

He said that I didn't protect the relationship by keeping the old chats and that I should of deleted anything that could cause an issue, said from this day he didn't trust me and I ruined it and he wanted to make me hurt like I had hurt him by seeing them.
After I found out he said he takes full accountability for his actions but he also knows why he did it and he blames me for causing what lead to his actions.

You will thank God this has happened in the not too distant future. The guy is a dickhead!! Who the hell wants to be with a moron like that?

Blaming someone else is not the same as taking full accountability 💐

@Wittypeach I understand what happened but his take is wrong. You are not to blame. Please try and see this as your lucky escape, build yourself
up and, eventually, find someone better who deserves you.

After I decided to forgive this .. accepting his reasons and thinking that people do make mistakes I found it really hard to be close to him and be intermate for a while and when I struggled here he said he didn't want to have sex anymore as I make him uncomfortable by been uncomfortable myself!

With this type of abuser you can never do enough to satisfy him. His mission is to keep you under his control and he can only do that by keeping you pleading with him. You do need to see a relationship as an equal partnership.

Op… are you going to pursue therapy?

Yes, I have looked into the links and books that have been posted and will seek some help for myself.

Make it a priority
and don’t even think about entering another relationship until you have given therapy some time

do you want kids? Is that why you stayed so long?

Please don’t trash talk yourself. You are not stupid. These people are really skilled at turning their victims inside out. Please tell your family and friends all about it. You will probably find that lots of them saw through him.You’re in the habit of loving him, putting him first and accepting blame for everything. But he’s not worthy of your love, he’s a grade A asshole, and in time today will be remembered by you as Freedom Day. Enjoy Creamfields. Invite the PT!

That is an extremely far from normal reaction, and him leaving was the best possible thing to happen.
I know you're feeling heartbroken at the moment but he is waving his red flags high. When someone shows you their true self, believe it ,and don't buy into any sob story about how he can change. He can't!
He is a controlling bully. If you re-establish the relationship, things will only get worse. Seek therapy if needed but please, please don't go back to him, no matter how much he tells you he's sorry and how much he loves you. He doesn't love you, he loves the control and power he holds over you.

This is horrible phrasing, sounds very much like transference and very much in line with the boyfriend’s own abusive conduct.

I experienced horrendous violence from someone on asteroids, and was very much at risk of similar from someone else, fortunately I managed to get away before anything happened to me (a total stranger he went on to attack someone else and had attacked prior to my experience)
steroid use is huge at the moment, including school kids, we really need further education on this and the signs of steroid use. Half the kids aren’t even sure if what they’re taking is roids or supplements!

You sound so sweet op. I’m presuming quite young, I’m glad you’re going to creamfields.
I have been in similar relationships, where I’d always be proving my faithfulness to men who cheated on me.
id end up dressing down when I went out, so they would trust me, feeling ugly and then blame myself when they cheat and spend my whole time begging for forgiveness for things that they did to me, it’s crazy now looking back.

Definitely change your locks as advised here. Have fun, talk about your experiences to your friends, and get a therapist to help you through this and to help spot the signs very early in future. Learn about the burned haystack dating method, can show what signs we might have missed very early in the dating process but also remember, abusers are usually very practised at what they do and many many people fall victim to them, of all ages.
none of this is your fault.

This is the spirit! You keep going like this, having fun then each day going forward he will, little by little, become a distant memory.

I read your other posts and the fear of being abandoned, being alone and comparing yourself to other members of your family. Can I say, who cares? You do things your way, please don't compare yourself to others as it makes us miserable. It is always better to be alone than with the wrong person - always. At least being alone is less painful, more peaceful and you can do what you want without wondering what backlash you will get next..

You're in the grip of abandonment melange and it's blinding you to the clear fact that your boyfriend is an abusive creep who will never make you happy. The sooner you accept that and walk away, despite the pain, the closer you'll be to getting your life back on track.

Hi @Wittypeach you sound lovely and im so glad you've taken all this great advice on board.

I'm much older and one rule I have always lived by is a relationship with real love at the heart of it should make you feel secure and quietly content to your core.
I genuinely believe if you ever feel on edge or find yourself pretending to be different to what you really are - that's not love.
It may still feel powerful and exciting and really sad when it doesn't work out but it's not a good love, it's more an obsession.
The good news is that whilst you may feel upset right now, you will hopefully get over the relationship quite quickly, as all the negatives you felt alongside the passion start to become what you remember. Basically because you weren't very happy.

Enjoy your festival behave how you want and feel the relief!! Xx

Don’t take him back ever- please, please

As previous posters have suggested - he's timed this impeccably in order to ruin your trip. If it wasn't this it would be something else. Don't let him.

He has gaslighted you beyond belief - he is scum.

What you do next is take some time for yourself and don't jump into anymore relationships. Focus on yourself, your family, your friends and your work. Be happy in your own skin. And never give your vile ex another second of your thoughts. Be single and be happy - and in any future relationships, never accept this kind of treatment ever again.

At least I'm not the only one that thinks this about the PT

Blurred boundaries, has phone numbers of his regulars, he's already hugging them... fill in the blanks - because that's what the PT is looking to do

Boyfriend was a tosser, but I'm not sure the PT is far behind

Top class total cunt.
Any man who treats any woman like this is worthless and controlling.
You have dodged a huge bullet.
And this is from a man !!!!!

WTH????

Sit down, read what you just wrote and let us know if it makes sense...

Why would you even have tried to continue a relationship with such a man? He cheated on you because you didn't protect the relationship after seeing some old messages from before you were with him, what does that even mean?

The red flags he has shown through the 2 years are brighter than the Chinese flag so you should actually be thankful he has gone. Men like that like to play games and I'm sure he will be back to make up, please please please do not get back with him.

It’s hard but you need to dump him, and don’t let him come back. My ex was the same, insecure, wouldn’t let me speak with male friends from childhood because it was “disrespectful” and it escalated to the point of I’d be shouted at for watching a male cross the road in front of our car at traffic lights. He made me a PowerPoint presentation on acceptable ways to behave!!