Sometimes find myself wishing I had tried to meet someone sooner.

[StrawberryBunnies]

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I’m genuinely interested in other people’s opinions.

I’m not desperate for a relationship and I’m definitely not saying I’d just get with anyone because life is hard. But after being a single parent for years and having to do absolutely everything myself, I think I understand something now that I probably didn’t before.

I think single mums can get judged quite harshly if they start dating again fairly soon after a breakup. People seem to assume they can’t be alone, that they’re looking for someone to rescue them, or that they’re putting a man before their children.

But is wanting a partner really the same thing as not being able to cope alone?

I can cope alone. I have done for years. But bloody hell, it’s exhausting. Being the only adult there for every decision, every problem, every emergency, every bit of practical stuff, every worry… there’s just nobody to tag in when you’ve had enough.

And I think you can be completely independent and still want someone.

Looking back, I actually regret not putting myself out there when my kids were younger. I spent years thinking I didn’t need anyone and just got on with things. Now I wish I’d at least given myself the chance to meet someone and have someone to share life with.

I’m not saying I’d settle or that I need a man to survive. I just think I understand now why some single mums might want to get back into dating quite quickly and now I don’t blame them. Maybe they’ve simply experienced how hard doing everything alone is and want to find someone to share the load of life with.

I’m older now and dating feels so different. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I missed my chance to meet someone naturally.

So I’m wondering, if you’ve been a single parent for years, did you ever reach a point where you actually started wishing you’d found someone sooner?

I’m genuinely curious because I think my own attitude has changed quite a lot.

Are you saying that if you brought a partner in you would expect them to parent your children?

I think you done the right thing OP. Blended families are a mess. You prioritised your children, you will find someone when the time is right.

Yes, to an extent but I don’t mean I’d expect someone to come into my life and suddenly take responsibility for my children. I mean if we were in a serious relationship, living together and he was their stepfather, I’d naturally expect him to be involved in family life and parenting to some degree

I think it can also have a lot of positives (less so if they have kids themselves though) the people I know who have had step dads are very close with them and regard them as blood.

@wishfulthinking25 enough of the ‘you’ll find someone when the time is right’ already - I was a single parent for 20 years, they’re all grown up and independent for 10 years now, I tried OLD & it’s worse than just being single…and no-one has come along. That’s just how my life has panned out 🤷‍♀️ I know I’m unusual in that respect, but these platitudes really don’t help.
Sympthies, @StrawberryBunnies - hope you have better luck than I did!

What helps then? Because all you’ve given is aggression in your comment.

Maybe ‘it’s not easy when things don’t pan out the way we hoped they would?’

What would happen if the kids didn’t like your partner? What would happen if there was conflict between partner and kids? What would happen if you married or moved in together and found you became a married single mother looking after a man child?

See I don’t want to be controversial but I don’t agree with the term married single mum so I don’t have a response for that.

Thank you for understanding.

its definitely harder to meet someone as you get older so I think its true that you do take that risk when you decide to wait or not
make It a priority .. having said that , kind , financial solvent , mature men with a sense of humour are thin on the ground what ever age you are and often are not interested in taking on single moms with young kids when they're spoiled for choice so there is no guarantee that you might have nabbed one even if you were actively looking.

Thanks but I honestly know so many single mums that did meet a new man when their kids were young, including my own mother! Who had 6 kids and her partner (my step father) had none. I find the “men dont want single mums” to be very much a mumsnet thing and doesn’t reflect people I know irl. Saying that they all had young kids which I think is what makes it easier.

I’m now in my late 40s and read of all the problems women my age have with dating, makes me very glad didn’t wait too long when became a single parent in my early thirties. My older children all grown up now and we were fortunate to have another 3 together!

I think you are right, im approaching 40s now and so regret not dating when my kids were young. The amount of decent single men my age is very low would have been much easier in my late 20s when I first became a single mum

This is why I refused to date men with children when I was dating.

Man are worse in generally expecting an unpaid skivy. When they have their children around and I can see no benefits of dating somebody with children and only drawbacks.

I don't care if that makes me selfish, this is the only life I will ever have and I will not spend it parenting children i didnt choose to have and who aren't mine.

Have you posted on the wrong thread? Im not sure how it’s related?

If that's directed at me, then no, you said that to a certain extent, you were looking for someone to be parent to your children. That's why I wouldn't date men with children.I'm not becoming a parent of children that aren't mine.

What possible benefit is that to me. Edit to say, I think you'd find a lot of single guys would say the same.

Your best bet would have been a single dad or a dad who already had kids by someone else.But then that comes with its own drawbacks, because blending families is always hard.

And that’s your choice, plenty of people do date parents, if you wouldnt thats fine but im not aiming my post at you im aiming it at other single parents.

But a person without children has a valid perspective on your situation.

It's no good asking single parents if they'd wished they found someone sooner where actually many single people without children probably wouldn't have wanted to take your kids on.

The perspective of a single person or single people is entirely valid to what you're asking.

So I’m wondering, if you’ve been a single parent for years, did you ever reach a point where you actually started wishing you’d found someone sooner?
I’m genuinely curious because I think my own attitude has changed quite a lot.

No I don’t wish to hear from single people to tell me they wouldn’t date me lol, I know far more single parents that have met new partners than those that haven’t and those that haven’t have been through choice like me

Surely there’s a middle ground between dating the week you become single and swearing celibacy for decades?

I think I did the latter 😅 now regretting it and wish I had given myself the chance again when they were little. Dating when you have younger kids certainly seems easier.

OP,

I split from ex-DH when my boys were just 2 & 4. I was NOT looking to meet anyone, but met my DP when NEITHER of us was looking. DC were 4 & 6. We had DS3 when they were 5 &7. I was 38 when we met & we've been together 16 years.

He has been the most phenomenal step-dad. They have a brilliant dad (exDH is a v good man), but DP has always said he's a bonus. They both also get on incredibly well. We were all together at DS1's graduation recently & reflected on how decent a job we've all done.

It can be done, there are really good men out there.

PS I'm the one that doesn't want to get married: been there, worn the tshirt. I'm very happy as we are, & have all our worldly goods protected.

that Sounds lovely im glad you found someone, I definitely should have met someone when they were younger, they are teens now and I don’t think now would be a good time for various reasons and seems harder with teens.