Sometimes find myself wishing I had tried to meet someone sooner.

[StrawberryBunnies]

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I’m genuinely interested in other people’s opinions.

I’m not desperate for a relationship and I’m definitely not saying I’d just get with anyone because life is hard. But after being a single parent for years and having to do absolutely everything myself, I think I understand something now that I probably didn’t before.

I think single mums can get judged quite harshly if they start dating again fairly soon after a breakup. People seem to assume they can’t be alone, that they’re looking for someone to rescue them, or that they’re putting a man before their children.

But is wanting a partner really the same thing as not being able to cope alone?

I can cope alone. I have done for years. But bloody hell, it’s exhausting. Being the only adult there for every decision, every problem, every emergency, every bit of practical stuff, every worry… there’s just nobody to tag in when you’ve had enough.

And I think you can be completely independent and still want someone.

Looking back, I actually regret not putting myself out there when my kids were younger. I spent years thinking I didn’t need anyone and just got on with things. Now I wish I’d at least given myself the chance to meet someone and have someone to share life with.

I’m not saying I’d settle or that I need a man to survive. I just think I understand now why some single mums might want to get back into dating quite quickly and now I don’t blame them. Maybe they’ve simply experienced how hard doing everything alone is and want to find someone to share the load of life with.

I’m older now and dating feels so different. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I missed my chance to meet someone naturally.

So I’m wondering, if you’ve been a single parent for years, did you ever reach a point where you actually started wishing you’d found someone sooner?

I’m genuinely curious because I think my own attitude has changed quite a lot.

You can say this because you didn’t date. What if you had and then he’d abused you or harmed your children or you had a bad breakup and the kids were emotionally damaged by it?

Possibly, you only want to hear from parents

I don’t have children, but I regret not looking for a partner I just didn’t think it was a big deal

I did really enjoy being single and didn’t really meet anyone who I felt I could commit to or anyone suitable

And it was only late 40s that I started to think I’d like to meet someone, I keep changing my mind about whether or not it’s a good idea but generally I wish I’ve done it when I was younger…. But it swings and roundabouts because I don’t think it would’ve been acceptable to most men that I didn’t want to have children…. So I don’t know how feasible it was a couple of relationships broke up over that.

I do know a few people who met their husband’s when they were in their late thirties, 40s and even 50s and went on to have long happy marriages together so it definitely is possible. However can see how someone in their late 20s is going to be at a totally different looks and life stage to someone in their 40s.
Do you mind me asking why you waited so long to start dating?

Can happen with the father as well tbh so maybe no one should ever date

What makes you think that having a man means an easier life? Most men are more work than being alone (look "mankeeping").
I've been looking for a partner for a few years and most men are not "partner material" at all.

You can't change the past but you can make choices for the future. Are you able to start dating? As it's not clear from your post whether you want to or not now.
My MIL is in her 80s and met her second partner in her 60s, so it's never too late imo.

I agree with the sentiment that it's better to be single than with the wrong person. And dating is hard. But it seems like you feel like you're missing out having a partner? I mostly was fine being single and independent but some long nights or days out it hurt that I had no one to share it with, so I do understand. And it's definitely easier when things go wrong to have another reliable person to help (absolute nightmare if you're dating a wet lettuce type in the same scenario though).

I didn’t have anyone to help with my children and didnt want to leave them with unknown sitters it just didn’t sit right with me but I know some mums who have still managed to meet someone in that situation I guess they were determined enough

Can I ask if men are more work then why look for one? I don’t find that to be the case personally

I know I could find a boyfriend now but that’s all it would be now.

Some harsh replies on here, so.e of them hardly relevant to op but rather showing up other posters worries.and insecurities!

Good luck op, just get out there now. You can't change the past but you have a hand in your future

Been a single mum 8 years.
No boyfriends, dates, sex etc.

No I don't regret it.
The freedom of not needing anyone never fails to amaze me. I will never, ever need a man again .

Dont you miss sex? I find a lot of single mums seem to say they would never have sex again on mumsnet are you all asexual lol and just had sex for kids? (Doesnt reflect any of the mums I know irl)

Thanks I agree im not sure why certain posters bother to comment, I just think life would have been much more enjoyable not sitting alone every evening thinking I was doing the “right thing” i think I deserved to be more than just “mum” it was a very lonely existence

You talk like your in your late 60s or 70s, not late 30s. I was surprised when I read you are approaching 40.

My mum met her now husband when she was 50. He was 12 years younger than her AND she had 11 children, half of which still lived at home at the time.

I do think dating is different now though. People, like objects, have become more disposable.

I meant he would likely be a causal boyfriend now due to having teens so they wouldn’t want a new man moving in etc, younger kids are far more adapting so feel like I missed the boat a bit there as I wanted a life partner really

based on many threads on here you could have a dh and still be solo parenting

Yeah I don’t really agree that mums in relationships are comparable to single mums but im not going to get into that debate and is not relevant to my thread

All the best

I met someone soon after separation. I had a 6 year old and he was child free. He was great in so many ways, but ultimately I put the kaibosh on - we really did love each other and are still friends, and I think in a parallel universe where we'd met at 25, we could have built something together from the ground up. As things were though, the stakes were just too high. I couldn't shake the feeling we were risking our own, and my child's, long-term happiness because the compromises involved were too great. It was painful to do, but a year on I'm much happier - I'm glad my time and energy is directed first and foremost to my kid, but also to my friendships and my own interests. After a long slog in a terrible marriage where I utterly lost myself, these things ultimately feel so much more precious than a romantic partnership.

I think I'd consider a live-out arrangement with someone down the line, but I have served my wifework time, and I won't compromise our (as in mine and my kid's) finances or way of life to make room for a other adult regardless of how I feel for them. It's sometimes a bit confronting to think this means I might never meet a partner especially as I'll be pushing 50 by the time my wee one is 18, but of the options available, this is the one that feels right for me.

The sex question is interesting - I felt so starved for it after my marriage (6 years with no intimacy at all did a number on me!) and the sex with the partner who came after was the best I've ever had. I do miss it sometimes, but I've also accepted that it was only that good because of the emotional connection we had - casual sex just doesn't do it for me anymore, and OLD makes me want to hurl so I've sorted of come to terms with this just being a dry chapter I think!

This is all based on my own circumstances though - I have a friend who has a lovely blended family and a other who is a fantastic stepmum. This was just the right move for my situation.

Meant to say, I totally relate to what you say about the hardcore exhaustion of single parenting - my ex was good with my kid and keen to step up for both of us, and it was a genuine wrench to be like 'no, I'm gonna actively turn you down on your kind offer to share the load'. But at the same time, I just had this creeping feeling that as a child-free man, he never fully 'got it' - great intentions, but the reality of centring a kid who you're not blood related to, to the extent that parents have to day in and day out...and then me having to be the one to support him and his disappointment...I could just see it building resentment in the long term.

It’s definitely relevant to your thread. It’s just not the answer you want to hear.

You're right.

Remember, a lot of people fear that their current partner or recent ex could move on and find happiness with someone else that their kids actually grow to love as well. Some of that is just jealousy/possessiveness, but also society makes that an easy fear to have when a man legally pays less for his bio kids if he moves into a home with a new partner and her own children.

They can't really control what the man does, but what they can do is try and shame single women into not pairing with seemingly available men.

Gosh, a lot of hate for men and single mums dating on MN recently!

There are decent men out there in your 40s+.....when i did OLD, the ones I selected to meet were all nice guys, didnt go anywhere really but they were all decent people.

Met my DP in RL, he doesnt want kids, adores mine....i was 40 when I met him with 2 young children....it can happen. We adore each other its the most loving, consistant and healthy relationship ive been in.

I left it about 2 years before I started dating after my marriage to my kids dad ended, and I met DP 4 years after it ended

I’m the same… after a terrible divorce consisting of OW, court appearances and being gaslit for years I was happy to be single. But I was mid 40’s. I prioritised my children, tried the apps but never met anyone who I liked enough or vice versa….now 18 years later, I’m a single grandma! It hasn’t been easy and really not the way I thought my life would go but I never meet men in the real world and do feel it’s now too late.

Why? For some women, because they feel they are a failure if they don't have a men (and that is the message of society). Others, because it's hard to fund a household with one salary.
In my case, because I'd like to share things with another adult (proper adult, not a manchild) and because I like sex.