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Original poster

Sometimes find myself wishing I had tried to meet someone sooner.

104 replies

StrawberryBunnies · 23/08/2026 18:49

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I’m genuinely interested in other people’s opinions.

I’m not desperate for a relationship and I’m definitely not saying I’d just get with anyone because life is hard. But after being a single parent for years and having to do absolutely everything myself, I think I understand something now that I probably didn’t before.

I think single mums can get judged quite harshly if they start dating again fairly soon after a breakup. People seem to assume they can’t be alone, that they’re looking for someone to rescue them, or that they’re putting a man before their children.

But is wanting a partner really the same thing as not being able to cope alone?

I can cope alone. I have done for years. But bloody hell, it’s exhausting. Being the only adult there for every decision, every problem, every emergency, every bit of practical stuff, every worry… there’s just nobody to tag in when you’ve had enough.

And I think you can be completely independent and still want someone.

Looking back, I actually regret not putting myself out there when my kids were younger. I spent years thinking I didn’t need anyone and just got on with things. Now I wish I’d at least given myself the chance to meet someone and have someone to share life with.

I’m not saying I’d settle or that I need a man to survive. I just think I understand now why some single mums might want to get back into dating quite quickly and now I don’t blame them. Maybe they’ve simply experienced how hard doing everything alone is and want to find someone to share the load of life with.

I’m older now and dating feels so different. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I missed my chance to meet someone naturally.

So I’m wondering, if you’ve been a single parent for years, did you ever reach a point where you actually started wishing you’d found someone sooner?

I’m genuinely curious because I think my own attitude has changed quite a lot.

OP posts:
TheSunBeatsDown · Yesterday 16:59

StrawberryBunnies · Yesterday 15:26

Yeah thats my point; most I’d find now is a boyfriend when I wanted a life partner not a boyfriend, im not into causal relationship which is why I never bothered with that whilst raising the children (I knew I could have found casual sex but I didn’t want that) I wanted someone to share life with and point feels like it’s gone now.

That's just not true though! Plenty of people find life-partner after 40, after divorce, widowhood or even just a bit of a late starter. I know several myself, my mum, her friend, myself, my good male friend. You keep saying no-one ever finds anyone like it's true when it is not.

Even if you found a life partner early on, they might not stay with you for life. Nothing is guaranteed for any of us. I found one; he died; now I don't have him. It's never certain, OP.

You sound quite down and a bit overly negative about the whole thing. If you want to change things, find some self-help books, I've found they have helped me work on my moods/anxiety and focus on what I want in life (CBT might also help).

Original poster
StrawberryBunnies · Yesterday 17:09

TheSunBeatsDown · Yesterday 16:59

That's just not true though! Plenty of people find life-partner after 40, after divorce, widowhood or even just a bit of a late starter. I know several myself, my mum, her friend, myself, my good male friend. You keep saying no-one ever finds anyone like it's true when it is not.

Even if you found a life partner early on, they might not stay with you for life. Nothing is guaranteed for any of us. I found one; he died; now I don't have him. It's never certain, OP.

You sound quite down and a bit overly negative about the whole thing. If you want to change things, find some self-help books, I've found they have helped me work on my moods/anxiety and focus on what I want in life (CBT might also help).

Show quote history

I didn’t say that, but I wouldn’t move a man in now my kids are older, so I don’t really think you can have a life partner but live separate obviously can do what they want but I wouldn’t consider it one if you don’t live together

OP posts:
KittyCorncrake · Yesterday 17:21

EarthSight · Yesterday 13:49

I mean if we were in a serious relationship, living together and he was their stepfather, I’d naturally expect him to be involved in family life and parenting to some degree

Jesus. This is exactly what puts me off dating parents.

That expectation is unreasonable OP.

You are expecting someone who is not related to your child to actually parent yours, with little compensation for that, presumably.

A child, as you know, is a huge responsibility and hard work. It's hard work even if they are your biological offspring, but your expectation is that other person to invest in a child that isn't theirs and help you with some of that hard work?? Have you actually thought about what that means for them?

Being a step parent is a shitty deal, mostly. You can spend hours, days or even weeks of your life investing emotionally or doing practical things for a child that you might not even have in your life in a few years' time, due to a break up, as many relationships do.

Your life will eventually carry on as usual after that break up, and you'll still have that child in your life. You'll still reap the benefits and support of having them in your life in your old age, helping you go to hospital visits, and maybe you being involved with your grandchildren one day.

That other person won't. They will be left with the grief of no longer having that child in their life, and facing having zero parental rights over them, despite having invested in them over the years.

Separately, please don't feel bad about not partnering up. Just because others did it, doesn't mean it was the right thing for their child. Yes, maybe it was if that child's life suddenly improved, but no child asks for an unknown, unrelated adult to come into their life and be living with them. That is mostly adults putting their own needs above that of a child's.

Edited

Completely agree!

TheSunBeatsDown · Yesterday 17:29

StrawberryBunnies · Yesterday 17:09

I didn’t say that, but I wouldn’t move a man in now my kids are older, so I don’t really think you can have a life partner but live separate obviously can do what they want but I wouldn’t consider it one if you don’t live together

Show quote history

I agree it's harder with teens, but the teens will get older and move out and then you can decide if you want to live together. I know over 50's who live together, and a couple that prefer to live apart and get together on weekends. I prefer to live with a partner too and I can now my children have left home. Just some ideas, you don't need to act now, but there's lots of options about living with someone beyond settling down in your twenties.

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