Sometimes find myself wishing I had tried to meet someone sooner.

[StrawberryBunnies]

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I’m genuinely interested in other people’s opinions.

I’m not desperate for a relationship and I’m definitely not saying I’d just get with anyone because life is hard. But after being a single parent for years and having to do absolutely everything myself, I think I understand something now that I probably didn’t before.

I think single mums can get judged quite harshly if they start dating again fairly soon after a breakup. People seem to assume they can’t be alone, that they’re looking for someone to rescue them, or that they’re putting a man before their children.

But is wanting a partner really the same thing as not being able to cope alone?

I can cope alone. I have done for years. But bloody hell, it’s exhausting. Being the only adult there for every decision, every problem, every emergency, every bit of practical stuff, every worry… there’s just nobody to tag in when you’ve had enough.

And I think you can be completely independent and still want someone.

Looking back, I actually regret not putting myself out there when my kids were younger. I spent years thinking I didn’t need anyone and just got on with things. Now I wish I’d at least given myself the chance to meet someone and have someone to share life with.

I’m not saying I’d settle or that I need a man to survive. I just think I understand now why some single mums might want to get back into dating quite quickly and now I don’t blame them. Maybe they’ve simply experienced how hard doing everything alone is and want to find someone to share the load of life with.

I’m older now and dating feels so different. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I missed my chance to meet someone naturally.

So I’m wondering, if you’ve been a single parent for years, did you ever reach a point where you actually started wishing you’d found someone sooner?

I’m genuinely curious because I think my own attitude has changed quite a lot.

See so there are many positives to having a man, you said they make life harder, I disagree, unless you only know bad men.

But I’m not interested in mums in bad relationships leave them then if they are so awful and being single is better? That’s another thread, you might leave thinking you will be happier but you might not be? It works both ways. I’d tell them being single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either

I waited 2.5 years from splitting from my ex, that's when I felt ready to meet someone. Of course I could carry on single, but I didn't want that, there will be plenty of women that would be happy doing life alone with their children for company but I was not one of them! Don't get me wrong, I'm was not going to get with just anyone, the person has to bring something to my life.. I wouldn't accept bad behaviour or a leech.

My kids are now late teens and I've been with my partner for 15 months, see each other regularly, but still spend time solely with our children. We're in talks to move in with each other in maybe 18 months from now.

I think you have one life, do what makes you happy

Can imagine very hard to date and establish a relationship if no one who can help, I was quite lucky as ex had the children most weekends, they were at school and I only worked part time. I wouldn’t become disheartened though as you’re in a fairly good position dating wise to have almost grown up children and be not yet 40, I have friends of a similar age and position and they seem to be having a great time dating. Albeit with a few frogs along the way but most of them have seem to have eventually settled with someone nice and they’re off being able to relax on nice holidays with their new partner even when they’ve taken their kids as obviously very different to holidays with young children

You can meet someone in your 40s, I did.

the thing is, you are going to have to work hard on communication about what you want vs what he wants. Blended families dont work, when they don’t work, in my opinion, because there is this conventional desire for “a proper / normal family” that overrides what the individuals involved would actually be happiest with.

classic cases you see on here all the time:

men who want a house for their kids and decide their new woman will provide it

men who want childcare for their kids and decide the new woman will provide it

adults who want to shack up in a love nest and decide to use their unconsulted kids’ home for that

you can have a committed relationship with a man who isnt the father of your kids without doing any of that but it requires
people to know what they want and talk about it. You can’t just get on the relationship conveyor belt. Which I don’t think anyone should anyway

Yeah I know I could probably meet someone now I guess I wish I didn’t waste a decade alone and miserable thinking I was “doing the right thing” my advice to any single mums is get back out there when you are ready of course, but don’t waste your best years like I did.

This

I have a couple of friends who are always talking about how they should have done things differently in the post /utterly pointless waste of time looking back -focus on the present / what you want now and acting on that.
I stayed with exh when my kids were younger as couldn’t imagine meeting another man who would be any better and didn’t want to imposes stepdad or the inevitable step mother in them.
Do you could say I ‘wasted’ those years, but I don’t regret the choices I made at the time.
When I did leave aged 60’I met s fantastic man (in RL) and we had row good years together. Happy single again after that for 2 years, no expectation of meeting another man, but again in RL met another wonderful man.
Everyone has baggage but the emotionally intelligent ones navigate sensitively.
Neither I nor the 2 men above have ever or worked ever get into the meat market of OLD.

I'm very happy that you're surrounded by nice men who contribute positively to society (unlike lots of women). If they are so abundant, you should have found one by now, shouldn't you?

Did you not read my post, I chose not to date.

I didn’t have anyone to look after my children and I would have never left them with strangers, now I feel I should have tried harder and made a way to make it work.

I grew up with mum who started dating as soon as she divorced my dad. She always said she did not want to end up alone and we won't need her when we are older. She is happily married now. But, even though my step dad is a nice guy, I would never inflict that on my own child. I chose to stay single after splitting up with DCs dad as I remember how unhappy I was as a child. Blended families are crap, generally. I don't regret it and I don't feel like I should have dated when I was younger.

I do know a few families where there is a step-dad. But it's usually a situation where a woman married young, split up when her child was little, got with someone, married and they had more kids. I also know women who have kids with multiple men - and every time it's the same, "new stepdad", new child, split up, then another one....

I would say, OP, don't regret anything. Whatever happened, happened. At least your children had your undivided attention and did not have to adjust to living with some bloke they are not related to.

I had a step dad growing up and my experience is different, he definitely added to our lives and im glad my mum had a life outside of just being a mother I find a lot of single mums base their whole existence on being a mother, im glad she didn’t.

My mum was exact opposite of "basing her life on being a mother". It worked out really well for her.
I think there is a healthy balance somewhere but I work full time and between that, being a mum, and my hobbies and friends I have zero time for dating. And tbh I don't feel the need to date. I can't see what it will give me or my DC.

I never really wanted a relationship. I tried a few times. I think i only tired because that's what society expects. I plan on being single for the rest of my life. I feel much happier on my own.

Sorry I didn’t mean you as such but I know so many single mums that do online anyway, say they want to be with their kids every second of every day and spend the weekends at home crying when their kids are with their father and I just think that cant be good for the kids.

That doesn't sound healthy but unless you have 50/50 or can pay for a nanny dating is out of the question for many mums. Though I know some that would dump their kids on whoever is willing (or even not willing) in a blink of an eye for a chance of a date night.

Yeah I know a few mums that have met someone despite having their kids full time so I just assume they introduce them quickly or have them over when kids are sleeping

I don’t think they do, not when you’re a single parent you are meant to stay alone forever (at least on mumsnet!)

It may be easier for you. But in terms of your children’s mental well being, doing what you’ve have done and not introducing them to someone new when they were young is far better environment to grow up in.

They may still be too young to appreciate that now, but they’ll know you did it all yourself. They would pick that over you bringing Tom, Dick and Harry back any day.

How long ago are we talking about btw? How old are you now and how far back are you looking? 10 years would hardly make a difference ie you are just as likely to meet someone at 30 are you are at 40.

I think you are thinking about this the wrong way.

You did the right thing, IMO, by not introducing men into your young children's lives earlier. It's often ok when they are little, but by teens, the strain of step-parenting and family tensions gets very high. You gave your children emotional stability at that time. You also have avoided the half-sibling situation which from their perspective is probably easier, although possibly not better for you.

What's done is done, I don't understand why you are regretting this. Looking at the past is pointless.

The question is- now you are nearly late thirties/forty, do you want to look about and make your life more interesting and start dating again?

Don't hang about on here swapping stories with people who are happy being single (great! but not you) or who think there are no good men ever (I have lots of friends who have met someone over forty, as have I).

Join Burned Haystacks dating method (BHDM) on Facebook or buy the book, and get some support from women who also would like to meet someone but don't want just any type of a person. Find out who is going to be worth your time before you meet up and what to avoid like the plague. Online dating is pretty dodgy and you need a supportive group and guidance on how to navigate this (IMO) so it doesn't get you down.

Don't regret the past, just move forward. You can also do nice fun stuff now they are older for yourself too, as you have more time and energy for you.

Statistically bringing a partner into the home increases the chance of harm to your children. I know that's not everyone,I have a lovely step father myself but the stats are significant. The decision you have made is one that has been in the best interests of your children and you've given them a stable upbringing you should be proud of. If they are now teens there's no reason why you can see starting to date as something in your plan in the next few years and you are absolutely at an age that shouldn't be an issue. Don't compare your self to others and be proud of the really good decisions you've made.

Well I did. Got so far as to move in together and get engaged and then that relationship tanked, too.
So now I'm single again. Older. More bruised. More trust issues. Children in early teens and I refuse to try and integrate a man into our lives. If i find someone then it'll have to be dating only, no live in relationship. I am still angry at my ex fiance for leaving me in a worse situation than I was in before.

I also had step parents growing up and actually have very fond memories of my time with them, never felt like I wasn’t my parents absolute priority, even though not all the relationships they had lasted they were all
positive from my point of view. They were just like any other close friends my parents had through my childhood. I was lucky enough to have 2 very engaged in parents so none of them were substitute parents who I depended on or felt devastated about when it ended.
i’ve seen friends who have got with people where it’s had a massively positive effect on the whole family’s wellbeing and I’ve seen a few examples where it hasn’t been so positive but that parent wasn’t usually super committed to start with anyway