Sometimes find myself wishing I had tried to meet someone sooner.

[StrawberryBunnies]

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I’m genuinely interested in other people’s opinions.

I’m not desperate for a relationship and I’m definitely not saying I’d just get with anyone because life is hard. But after being a single parent for years and having to do absolutely everything myself, I think I understand something now that I probably didn’t before.

I think single mums can get judged quite harshly if they start dating again fairly soon after a breakup. People seem to assume they can’t be alone, that they’re looking for someone to rescue them, or that they’re putting a man before their children.

But is wanting a partner really the same thing as not being able to cope alone?

I can cope alone. I have done for years. But bloody hell, it’s exhausting. Being the only adult there for every decision, every problem, every emergency, every bit of practical stuff, every worry… there’s just nobody to tag in when you’ve had enough.

And I think you can be completely independent and still want someone.

Looking back, I actually regret not putting myself out there when my kids were younger. I spent years thinking I didn’t need anyone and just got on with things. Now I wish I’d at least given myself the chance to meet someone and have someone to share life with.

I’m not saying I’d settle or that I need a man to survive. I just think I understand now why some single mums might want to get back into dating quite quickly and now I don’t blame them. Maybe they’ve simply experienced how hard doing everything alone is and want to find someone to share the load of life with.

I’m older now and dating feels so different. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I missed my chance to meet someone naturally.

So I’m wondering, if you’ve been a single parent for years, did you ever reach a point where you actually started wishing you’d found someone sooner?

I’m genuinely curious because I think my own attitude has changed quite a lot.

I don’t know about dating now, I don’t think anyone could fit into my life now, and as my kids had me all to theirselves growing up I don’t think theyd like a new man on the scene

It’s better when they are younger as it becomes more normal iyswim

I’m not sure I’d agree 10 years hardly makes a difference in dating terms, definitely not in the experience of most people I know. Now in my late 40s I look very different to how I look 10 years ago, financial situation totally different too, I didn’t have my own house etc then (which can complicates things no end imo) meeting 13 years ago meant me and DH have been able to have a totally different life to what we would of had if had met now. That said I have several friends in similar situation to OP (approaching 40 and nearly adult children) and they seem to be having a great time with some of their youth still left, new partners and the freedom of almost adult children where as me and DH just did the whole family thing for a 2nd time round, which has been lovely in its own way too

In my experience, there are men who would happily date someone their age, and there are ones that always want a younger partner. The first lot would date a 40 year old if they are 40-45 themselves; for the second type, anyone above 30 is old so makes no difference if you are 30 or 40.

in terms of circumstances - I dont think it depends on the age... these things change anyway, you can be wealthier in your 40s, or you can be poorer.

I didn't bother till i .was mid 40s- wish I'd looked sooner. Am currently single

I don’t think 30 and 40 year olds are seen as virtually the same in the dating pool, that’s the not the reality. I’ve loads of friends who started again with someone new in their early 30s and are now having their 3rd baby with their new husband in their mid thirties, as many as those I know who are still married to their original DH. I don’t see that with those much into their 40s. In terms of life circumstances, it’s still possible in your late 20s/early 30/ to just be establishing yourself in terms of career and house etc, especially if you had children young whereas almost everyone I know in their 40s+ feels very reluctant to start totally afresh with someone else as they’ve worked so hard to get that bit of security for themselves, own house etc, their getting older and just don’t want to take that risk so it’s often a totally different relationship which then creates it’s own problems. Basically there’s seems to be more risks than cons to actually building a life together. The chances of having children together are also quite remote once you’ve got into your 40s.
i have seen it work with women at almost 40 where they have been able to meet someone and do all that and had a lovely long marriage but not much past 40. I’ve seen people on their 50s get married and had great marriages too, obviously without children and generally has worked better if neither had any wealth

’risks than pros’

Just reading on another thread about a similar but slightly different topic and lots of posters saying they met their DH at 38-39 🥰

Well its based on my personal experience, really. I met someone at 36 and had a child at 39, and I know a lot of people who had their first around the same age. Of course statistically its easier to have kids at 30 than at 40 but anything in between is pretty much the same.

I dated a lot around 34-36 and was told in no uncertain terms (by some lovely male specimens) that I'm not as young as I think I am - and this is the case with OLD, pretty much everyone wants a 25 year old)) the most successful relationships I have seen are between people who met IRL somehow - sadly, no one I know who was doing online dating is even remotely happy.

Yes I was mid 30s when we married and we bought our house together, have been lucky enough to have 3 children together (one of them at almost 40 and one in mid forties - all naturally conceived), pretty much have the normal life of any young couple getting together except we both have lovely (now adult) children too. The 30s does seem to be a ripe age for meeting people online and IRL and most of the friends can think of who were single parents were successful at this in their 30s and are now happily married and many with more children whereas most people I know who started looking after 40 have had more problems and none of them I know have had more children (not that they all wanted to) I’ve a few friends who met someone post 40 who they seem to be settling into a long term happy relationship with and every case it was someone they knew IRL, usually a guy who had a crush on them when they were much younger and can’t believe his luck now 😂

p.s. When I was online dating they had a filter so you could select the age range wanted so men not interested in women in 30s wouldn’t see you and vice versa, I never had a comment about my age (32) but I understand online dating has changed massively since I did it 🙈 there were guys on dates who weee clearly after one thing and other really nice guys who just weren't my type. I’ve had friends who have met their partner’s through online dating since in their 30s and have ended up with really great guys they’re now married to and had further children but have heard it’s a lot more difficult online nowadays

@StrawberryBunnies I became a lone parent at 30 when I still had my energy, looks, and youthful hopefulness going for me. I still didn't manage to find a partner despite dating on and off for a decade. Why? Because the reality, plus the zeitgeist of the last decade, is that people are all about "protecting their peace" and having boundaries and not taking on other people's shit. I never found a man who was decent, that I connected with, and who was up for playing a stepdad role. I really, really, really looked.
So, you may have taken a different path and still ended up single. Or you may have had better luck than me.

I was 28 when I became a single mum, I know loads of women that did meet new men as I said I know more single mums that have new partners than ones that don’t, I’m actually the only single mum I know that’s been single for as long as I have 😭🤣

I really wouldn’t lose hope, you just tried to do the right thing, I know people who are really lovely people but who you wouldn’t have thought they’d of made a good ‘catch’ due to their situation etc and yet in time they’ve ended up with a wonderful partner and yet others who you would think wouldn’t have a problem have struggled

I mean if we were in a serious relationship, living together and he was their stepfather, I’d naturally expect him to be involved in family life and parenting to some degree

Jesus. This is exactly what puts me off dating parents.

That expectation is unreasonable OP.

You are expecting someone who is not related to your child to actually parent yours, with little compensation for that, presumably.

A child, as you know, is a huge responsibility and hard work. It's hard work even if they are your biological offspring, but your expectation is that other person to invest in a child that isn't theirs and help you with some of that hard work?? Have you actually thought about what that means for them?

Being a step parent is a shitty deal, mostly. You can spend hours, days or even weeks of your life investing emotionally or doing practical things for a child that you might not even have in your life in a few years' time, due to a break up, as many relationships do.

Your life will eventually carry on as usual after that break up, and you'll still have that child in your life. You'll still reap the benefits and support of having them in your life in your old age, helping you go to hospital visits, and maybe you being involved with your grandchildren one day.

That other person won't. They will be left with the grief of no longer having that child in their life, and facing having zero parental rights over them, despite having invested in them over the years.

Separately, please don't feel bad about not partnering up. Just because others did it, doesn't mean it was the right thing for their child. Yes, maybe it was if that child's life suddenly improved, but no child asks for an unknown, unrelated adult to come into their life and be living with them. That is mostly adults putting their own needs above that of a child's.

I have to laugh at this, because I regularly see the exact opposite being complained about on the step-parent board. Step-parents saying they’re not allowed to parent their stepchildren, that they’re expected to stay out of things, and how frustrating and wrong they feel that is.
You wouldn’t date a parent? Fair enough, thanks for the information. But plenty of people do.

@localnotail After seeing loads of men on apps that looked at least a decade older than me (but were apparently the same age as me), I changed the filters and said I was about 26 years old.

Suddenly, I started seeing men my own age!! There they all were, lying, all pretending to be 28 - 30 years old when they were clearly about 38, all for a chance of getting those 25 year olds. Grim.

@StrawberryBunnies i think its much easier to meet someone if there isnt a dad on the scene - i think men prefer to step into the role fully or not at all, not many can handle the dynamics of someone else. That's my experience of mum friends who have met someone, the real dad is not on the scene.

My friends all wish they had made more effort earlier - and ill certainly be encouraging my children to meet people when younger/at uni - because if you leave it till your late thirties and forties, then men then tend to have their own issues/baggage. I know lots of lovely women but i think a decent man would be snapped up by then. I also used to frequent a lot of the dating boards on here - the decent men who could string a sentence together all met people quickly (im still in touch with some) whereas there are still women on there from years ago!

I might consider it if I were granted legal guardian rights to them, but otherwise, no - I'm not going to put in the free time or that emotional attachment only to have my heart broken later. I don't have children of my own, sadly, so I think it would really effect me not seeing them anymore as I wouldn't have my own children to distract me from that loss.

The step parents you speak of need to take a step back, maintain more distance, and realise that they are not the biological parent of the child. Maybe they wish they were, but they're not.

The reason why some of them complain like that, I think, is in situations whereby they are all now living together as a blended family under one roof. Naturally, this can lead to frustrations whereby a child is behaving badly, and the step-parent can't deal with them the way they naturally would want to. That kind of thing needs to be ironed out before everyone moves in together, not afterwards.

My mum met my stepdad when she already had six children and he didn’t have any of his own. People absolutely do form relationships with parents and become part of their children’s lives. Maybe men are more likely to do this than women, I don’t know, but if you’re living in the same household, it’s also understandable that a step-parent might want some say in things.
I’m not asking whether you or anyone else would date a parent. Of course you’re entitled not to. I just don’t really understand why you feel the need to come onto a discussion about it specifically to tell me that.
Parents aren’t damaged goods who nobody else will want. Plenty of people are perfectly happy to date them and become part of their family.

You are not going to believe this, but younger men (under 40) pretend to be over 40 to try to get in contact with older women! There's quite a few 28-30 year olds that know a 40 year old will rule them out. I'm not sure they are after settling down and having a family though!

You say that you've missed out on finding a life partner but it's definitely not too late.

I see life as being in quite distinct stages. It's lovely if you have the same partner throughout, but it's also quite lucky to find someone you're compatible with through all the different stages! It's perfectly fine to have different partners for different stages, and it's also fine to do some stages alone!

You're almost done with the raising kids stage, and it sounds like you're still young. In a few years the kids will have their own lives and you'll be in a perfect position to find a partner for the next stage of life. In a way I think that's really nice, as you'll be able to prioritise each other more than if you were stuck in the trenches of raising primary school kids, and you'll have the freedom to go on date nights and holidays without worrying about childcare!

I'm not a single parent, but I just wanted to offer an alternative opinion as you seem a bit dejected. I'm sure you've done a fabulous job raising your DC and they'll appreciate that, in the future if not now!

Yeah thats my point; most I’d find now is a boyfriend when I wanted a life partner not a boyfriend, im not into causal relationship which is why I never bothered with that whilst raising the children (I knew I could have found casual sex but I didn’t want that) I wanted someone to share life with and point feels like it’s gone now.

You can still find a partner to share your life with, to live with and grow old with. It doesn't have to be casual. It's too early to be writing off the rest of your life, hopefully you're not even half way!

I do think from the kids and long term point of view it’s much easier if their dad is positively on the scene, otherwise it can get so complicated if the SP doesn’t fully embrace a substitute father role or if he does and the relationship ends with difficulty or when they have their own children or if he already has his own children and they’re seeing that bond. Not to mention the issues can give kids of their own father’s not bothering with them