AIBU to think 6–7 years is too long to wait for marriage?

[LivingApartTogether26]

Hello everyone. I’m looking for some perspective here as I’m feeling really stuck and upset.
I’ve been divorced for a few years, and for the last 3 years, I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely divorced man. He has grown-up children (one lives with him but spends half her time at her boyfriend's) and we live about 1.5 hours apart. My DS is 14 and lives with me 5 days a week.
Because of the distance and our kids, we split our time. I stay at his 2 nights a week, he stays at mine 1–2 nights, and we spend most weekends and holidays together. We talk a lot about getting old together and buying a property once the kids have flown the nest.
I’ve made it clear that I want to get married as a natural step forward, even if we can’t live together full-time just yet due to my DS finishing school.
During our last discussion, I told him it’s just too upsetting for me to delay marriage for another 6–7 years until we can finally move in together. His response? He says he absolutely cannot be married to someone he doesn’t live with full-time, and that "if I loved him," I would understand this. In the same breath, he claims that a piece of paper shouldn't make a difference if we love each other.
I’m starting to think 6 or 7 years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait in limbo, and I'm worried he’s just using the living situation as an excuse because he doesn't actually want to get married again.

Surely he could move in with you?? His children are grown up. I think he's just stalling sorry to say

IMO it’s completely foolish to marry a man you don’t even plan to live with and only visit 2 nights a week.

I wouldn't marry someone I'd only live with part time, to many implications legally to marriage for that kind of living situationship but I seriously doubt I'd remarry after divorce in any case particulary if I had assets to protect. This man is correct imo.

Personally I think it's ridiculous to get married if you don't even live together. You seem to be living entirely separate lives, you don't have children or shared property. What's the point? An expensive party then go back to your separate houses?

He's being very sensible, how can you marry someone you don't live with. After a divorce you should be a bit more sensible about marriage.

I also wouldn’t marry someone I didn’t live with. It’s not a real partnership, unless you are pooling your money and funding both homes from a single household fund. But even then, I think it would be foolish to commit to someone when you don’t know how you’d get on living with each other full time.

Marriage is a legal commitment, why do you want to rush it?

Honestly if I was his friend I'd be concerned about the apparent need for marriage and I'd be advising him to be cautious and protect his kids inheritance!

I agree 100% with him! It's ridiculous to get married to someone you haven't properly lived with.

Also, as you're both divorced it's not as if marriage is some special landmark. You've both made and then broken the promises of marriage so you know it's nothing more than words/a legal status. It has no bearing on how much you love each other or the future success of your relationship.

Why are you so desperate to be married? It seems a bit odd considering you both already have children and a divorce under your belts. There is no benefit to marriage at this stage and he is right that it seems unwise to marry when you don’t even know if you’re compatible to live together yet.

Your desperation probably come across as a huge red flag as you are either going to be after the inheritance that he wants to leave to his children or you are so insecure and needy that it will destroy the relationship.

I agree with him. If you are married you need to live together, generally.

Totally with him on this one, I'm afraid.

He is right. Sorry.

Agree with PP, but world like to understand why you want to marry?

I'm sorry but I wouldnt marry someone I didnt live with either so I dont blame him for that view.

DH and I were together 7 years before we got married (lived together for 5) without those sorts of complications so I dont think it's particularly outrageous anyway.

If you aren’t ready to move in together and share a life, you aren’t ready to be married. I’m with him. That’s bonkers. Everyone in your life will think it’s bonkers too. What’s the rush? Enjoy your son’s childhood while it lasts.

I don’t think it’s sensible to marry before living together, you havent really experienced each other until you live together. I know you want commitment but honestly I think it’s the right thing to wait until all the kids are grown, I suspect there would be more happier young people out there if more adults took this mature decision. If he’s your person, it’ll work out.

Agree with pp. I wouldn’t want to get married in your shoes

No chance I'd marry someone who I see so little, let alone not live with.

I don’t really understand why being married is so important unless you plan more children? If not, it’s easier to keep assets separate etc. so theres no real rush. Honestly if something happened to my marriage I don’t think I would get married again.

I agree with this. Why do you need to be married, given your current situation- if you can’t find a way to make it work to live together full time, why would you get married?
I also agree with him you need to live together and see if it works, then get married. Is there a reason you are so desperate to be married? As he says, you can have a loving, committed relationship without being married. You have been married before, you both have children- I think combining assets by marrying at this stage is unwise.

Is a compromise a possibility eg a civil ceremony now so you have a legal commitment, just with witnesses, from the street, and a spiritual event (if you have a faith) in seven years' time, when you can have a party and involve your children?

In fairness to the OP I 'get it' on an idealistic and romantic level.
I'm divorced and my partner is very soon to be. I personally would be putting a huge amount of assets on the line if I was to marry again. More than my partner.
Intellectually I know this would be madness. And therefore my head says that we will probably never do it. I suspect he feels the same but we haven't yet had a proper chat about it.(Only been together just shy of a year)
But, does that stop me dreaming of him getting down on one knee? No. Of course not.

You have been down the marriage road once op look how that ended, dont bother a second time, maybe thats how he sees it too.

Im with him on this one why the hurry, you dont live together.
I see his point you dont need a paper to tell you he loves you, some of us love our parents our friends our children but we dont marry them to prove it.

who owns what property op? do you both work? what would be the plan once you do live together? do you want more kids?

I wouldn't marry someone I didn't live with. sleepovers don't count.

The legal commitment when you hardly see eachother through the week is the stupid part though, how would that be compromising in any way? It’s literally getting married, it wouldn’t be meeting in the middle at all.