AIBU to think 6–7 years is too long to wait for marriage?

[LivingApartTogether26]

Hello everyone. I’m looking for some perspective here as I’m feeling really stuck and upset.
I’ve been divorced for a few years, and for the last 3 years, I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely divorced man. He has grown-up children (one lives with him but spends half her time at her boyfriend's) and we live about 1.5 hours apart. My DS is 14 and lives with me 5 days a week.
Because of the distance and our kids, we split our time. I stay at his 2 nights a week, he stays at mine 1–2 nights, and we spend most weekends and holidays together. We talk a lot about getting old together and buying a property once the kids have flown the nest.
I’ve made it clear that I want to get married as a natural step forward, even if we can’t live together full-time just yet due to my DS finishing school.
During our last discussion, I told him it’s just too upsetting for me to delay marriage for another 6–7 years until we can finally move in together. His response? He says he absolutely cannot be married to someone he doesn’t live with full-time, and that "if I loved him," I would understand this. In the same breath, he claims that a piece of paper shouldn't make a difference if we love each other.
I’m starting to think 6 or 7 years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait in limbo, and I'm worried he’s just using the living situation as an excuse because he doesn't actually want to get married again.

You are being unreasonable and cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why would you get resentful, it doesn’t make sense, especially if you’re happy now and marry in a few years time. If you’re worried about the relationship ending, then this could happen either way. You don’t need the security as you have your own property and I’d be wary of moving someone in when I have a teen at home. Maybe he’s worried about finances and prefers it this way?

I'm with him, it's quite weird to marry when you don't live together. Also what's the point practically, being honest? Marriage benefits couples with shared children, particularly where one parent isn't working or not earning much. That isn't your situation.

It's actually better for your respective children if you don't get married in terms of inheritance. Your marriage only ended recently. i can't see why you are so keen to marry again.

You want the commitment of marriage as "the next logical step".
But you can't actually fully share each other's lives for at least another 7 years, when your DH could retire and potentially move in with you.

And you've never discussed finances, which to me is really odd. It makes getting married and living together a much more airy-fairy proposition.

For me, moving in together is the next logical step, but you can't do that because you both need to continue working, and therefore living, where you each currently live. I don't know anyone who has got married before living with their partner.

OP, you're divorced (as is he) - you know having a marriage certificate doesn't guarantee someone's lifelong commitment to you.

Your DP agreeing to marry you doesn't mean he'll stay with you forever. Neither would getting engaged, although this could be a good compromise, as that might tick the 'emotionally committed' box for you.

What you are suggesting, marriage now or else, does not make sense to most people, but if it's a deal breaker for you then you will have to end your relationship.

Presumably because the OP sees it as a way for them to be tied together and to guarantee the future she is hoping for?

But you can't force someone into something as serious as marriage, nor should you want to.

Not really. You'll just be 56 instead of 50. People get married at all different ages.

You keep saying the next natural step is marriage but its not.
For most people the natural steps of a relationship are- dating- moving in together- engaged- marriage- kids, you seem to be skipping 2 steps. (Moving in and engagement).

I agree with him. Especially at this stage of life, I would not marry someone without knowing we can live together and thrive.

I moved in with my husband after 5 years, engaged after 9 years and 15 years to actually get married. 6-7 years is not long in comparison. But you do you, why do you have to wait till your daughter leaves home?

Notwithstanding the concepts of love and partnership marriage is primarily about finance and assets. You are entering into a contract with someone which will determine a lot of financial issues in the future.

its really not about love and commitment. You don’t need to be married for this, especially as you already have children and assets.

Your DP is being sensible.

I’m on his side of this situation at the moment, so I’ll give you my perspective.

DP was pushing for marriage and/or living together last year but I’m not in any great rush and was happy as things were. He has a younger child and mine are all adults, so for me part of it is not necessarily wanting to go back into the thick of living with teenagers tbh! My life is lovely now, I have plenty of me time, I have time with my grown up DCs, friends and DP. He spends a lot more time alone and doesn’t like it.

It seemed like he wanted me to fill a wife shaped hole in his life and when it came to it he would rather have someone to live with than to have a relationship in whatever form with ME specifically. That stung and in the end I finished with him as the pressure was too much and I just felt like I was disappointing him every time he mentioned marriage and I was less than enthusiastic. It felt like what we had at the time wasn’t good enough for him, whereas I was happy with what we had and how things were working, and was open to marriage etc in the future once all the kids had left home.

A few months passed with us being separated and he realised he’d rather be with me in whatever way we could manage for now than to be without me. Loosening his hold has actually made me feel more inclined to commit as it feels like he loves me for me, not that he just wants anyone to be there for him. He’s mentioned a long engagement and that’s something I can get on board with, a proper commitment to the future but without having to make practical changes that will inconvenience one of us or our children.

I hope you find a solution that doesn’t cause resentment on either side. Navigating relationships after divorce is never easy. But he does need to be able to communicate or it will have no chance.

I am in a similar situation to you @LivingApartTogether26although my partner and I have now been together over 11 years! When we reached our 10 year anniversary my partner said that he thought it was about time we lived together full time and maybe even get married. He owns his own home as do I and our children are all adults although both our youngest children still lived with us at the time. He suggested he sell his house and him and his daughter move in with me - all fully discussed and a room painted (by him) for her to have too and then for us to buy a place together and then sell my house. A year later nothing had changed! I have been very hurt by his lack of impetus and decided I needed to do what is right for me rather than waiting for him. Much as you may love someone you can’t force them to do what you want and as sad as it may make you feel you have to either accept the situation or move on.

Agree with everyone saying if you're not ready to live together, you're definitely not ready to get married.

Ok, but 4 days a week is not full time and is different imho. It’s just over 50% of the time, I do think it is different to living day in day out with someone. For instance, you always know either of you have a bolt hole if needed- a safety net.

I would not marry someone who I am not living full time with, and would not be living with after marriage. I don’t think it is necessarily an excuse, I would feel the same. I would also be a bit suspicious as to why you need marriage very soon, given there are so many obstacles preventing you from living together. It seems so full of insecurity- if you are happy and secure in your relationship, content to leave your living situation as it is, why are you pushing so hard for marriage? Other than “it’s the next stage”- which I don’t understand because you can’t progress beyond where you are in terms of living together fully due to your son/work commitments. I don’t think you can move in with only part of your relationship and not others.

You have a decision to make- is what you have meaningful enough to respect his views and wait, or is this your red line?

Oh, well. I'm going to get flamed here, but as it's not expensive to get married, if someone in a relationship doesn't want to legally commit to their partner, is it because deep down they're waiting for someone 'better' to come along? Or because they're thinking that if things don't work out they can walk away without the financial problems of a married person?

There's absolutely no need to be married

I’m your age, if I was divorced, I wouldn’t be in any hurry to re-marry, certainly not before I had lived with someone. The next natural step in any relationship is to live together. You say your situations won’t allow it, but really what you are both saying is, you don’t want your lives to change right now. You could quit your job and move to be with him. He could quit his job and move to be with you but neither of you want to do that. You both might have very good reasons but when you meet someone who lives so far away, you have to expect the relationship isn’t going to follow the same path unless someone makes a sacrifice or a compromise can be found.

His refusal is based on the fact it’s a batshit idea to marry in your current situation. Why do you really need that bit of paper? It can’t be for security as you already know marriages can fail. He has already said he wants to be with you long term, he hasn’t said he will never marry you, objectively in your day to day life, what difference will being married right now make?

You’d be right if they were actually living as a married couple. But they aren’t.

My late partner and I had separate homes. He cam over once during the week and every weekend. It was perfect.
After a miserable mariage, I didn[t want to go down that path again and neither did he.

But he doesn't feel that way. So you either need to accept it, bulldoze him into it or move on.

I'm divorced and I think your set up sounds brilliant. Cohab is overrated. Your way, things stay fresher and both parties make more effort.

I'm divorced and single but if I wanted something serious I'd be looking for your type of arrangement. I will never marry again, however this would have zero bearing on my love/commitment or fidelity to the right person.

Don't get married it will play havoc with joint finances and kids inheritances.

Rent and live together eventually, but don't marry.

I dont know why people are obsessed with being married on this site.

I think I’m that case, you may not be wel l matched. You have quite a fundamental difference in values there.

I don’t know the context so I can’t be sure of course, but shutting down over financial details and marriage would be a concern for me. The financial details being the most important element. Could there be a benign reason for this in terms of his own character, e.g. a previous partner took advantage of him financially, or he was raised incredibly traditionally so believes that finances are private until marriage is imminent? Could this also explain his unwillingness to marry until you can live together? If it’s none of these things, I’d be more concerned that he isn’t sold on the idea of marriage. Whatever the case, he needs to talk to you and be honest.

This ⬆️. And you lack the comfort and confidence to do so. This is not a marriage-ready relationship. Combined with the practical limitations YABVU.

I don't think the inportant question is about the 6-7 years. You should be asking yourself if you'd continue a relationship with him given he doesn't want to get married again. I understand his reasons and I wouldn't remarry after divorce. This is a golden period for you both to have a deep relationship with personal space to avoid complications.

Marriage is not an ideal next move for your situation