AIBU to think 6–7 years is too long to wait for marriage?

[LivingApartTogether26]

Hello everyone. I’m looking for some perspective here as I’m feeling really stuck and upset.
I’ve been divorced for a few years, and for the last 3 years, I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely divorced man. He has grown-up children (one lives with him but spends half her time at her boyfriend's) and we live about 1.5 hours apart. My DS is 14 and lives with me 5 days a week.
Because of the distance and our kids, we split our time. I stay at his 2 nights a week, he stays at mine 1–2 nights, and we spend most weekends and holidays together. We talk a lot about getting old together and buying a property once the kids have flown the nest.
I’ve made it clear that I want to get married as a natural step forward, even if we can’t live together full-time just yet due to my DS finishing school.
During our last discussion, I told him it’s just too upsetting for me to delay marriage for another 6–7 years until we can finally move in together. His response? He says he absolutely cannot be married to someone he doesn’t live with full-time, and that "if I loved him," I would understand this. In the same breath, he claims that a piece of paper shouldn't make a difference if we love each other.
I’m starting to think 6 or 7 years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait in limbo, and I'm worried he’s just using the living situation as an excuse because he doesn't actually want to get married again.

YABVU. Enjoy your relationships as it is and when you are in a position to protect your assets and children are grown you can have an lovely retirement together

If you were 35 and had been together 3 year and wanting children then 6 years is too long.

Bit in this case you can potentially come across as manipulative and controlling.

Becuse you have children martiage will have huge implications for them - whether grown or still at school. Just wait.

I don't understand why marriage means so much when, like me, you are divorced and can see that it doesn't mean a Happy Forever after?

I have relatives who lived together for 25 years before they got married, so 7 years is nothing 😂
But, seriously OP, what's the rush? You still have a teenager to prioritise, for a start.

Marriage is overrated. I don’t understand why you are fixated on it.

You can’t live together, you aren’t going to merge finances.
Marriage is not a romantic progression. Living together is…. Marriage does not bring closer emotionally. Living together does.
Marriage can do the exact opposite.

Marriage is a legal contract, and a darn sight easier to get into than get out of. Nor is it a guarantee of getting old together.

I remarried aged 60 after 10 years living together and was ready for a divorce 6 days later. I did leave after ducks in a row a year after marriage and divorced 2 years after that.

I got engaged in 2006. Moved in together 2007. Had two children. Still not married. Happily 'living in sin'. Living together is far more important than marriage in forging a life together.

My mum got engaged recently to her partner. They both told me they will not get married because of the kids inheritances, he has kids too - it makes perfect sense.
They live together and are very happy.

If you both own your own properties then I think it could potentially become expensive. As I understand it, from an HMRC perspective, married couples can only have one PPR (Principal Primary Residence) between then, so if there is more than one there would be a potential CGT liability on the second.

Solicitors are useful.....

He doesn't want to get married now and may still not want to get married in 7 years as is his perogative. It's your perogative as to what you choose to do with this information.

Surely the next logical step is to discuss finances and changing jobs to be more flexible about where you live?

If you're of similar ages, you have, like, 15 years or more working life left ahead of you, so getting another job isn't impossible.

You both seem like immovable objects. Neither prepared to compromise.

Why is being married so important to you?

I’m with him regarding not getting married whilst you are in your current set up, sorry OP. He is being completely reasonable.

Also don’t understand how a wedding and then carrying on as you are, rather than taking further steps to either live together, or at least move closer, will bring you any emotionally closer,

Both people need to be on the same page either way, so you have some choices to make?

No-one should be emotionally manipulated in to getting married though, which would be the case if you continue to push/be upset, when he has made it explicit he doesn’t want to.

Reading with interest.

Post divorce and having adult children, I'm more than happy to wait several years to marry my partner whilst his teen grows up. I'm still not sure if I want a LAT relationship once we are married. I still don't know if I want to share my home with another person again. He understands and doesn't push me at all on this.

He's talked about our retirement together, so I know he's in it for the long haul. He's worth waiting for.

Is your partner worth waiting for @LivingApartTogether26 ?

I think for first ever marriage, it’s a long wait and perhaps an indication of hesitancy.

For a second marriage, with children involved, it’s very reasonable to take things slowly and cautiously. One divorce is a big mistake. Two divorces is potentially irresponsible and poor role-modeling for your children. No need to rush if you have already given vows previously.

He's said no not yet, so if you're adamant you want marriage you need to walk away, he might never want to marry, be reluctant due to his assets, making sure his children are provided for without any complications, not sharing finances means he prefers to keep them private and is not ready to share. Why are you in such a rush