AIBU to think 6–7 years is too long to wait for marriage?

[LivingApartTogether26]

Hello everyone. I’m looking for some perspective here as I’m feeling really stuck and upset.
I’ve been divorced for a few years, and for the last 3 years, I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely divorced man. He has grown-up children (one lives with him but spends half her time at her boyfriend's) and we live about 1.5 hours apart. My DS is 14 and lives with me 5 days a week.
Because of the distance and our kids, we split our time. I stay at his 2 nights a week, he stays at mine 1–2 nights, and we spend most weekends and holidays together. We talk a lot about getting old together and buying a property once the kids have flown the nest.
I’ve made it clear that I want to get married as a natural step forward, even if we can’t live together full-time just yet due to my DS finishing school.
During our last discussion, I told him it’s just too upsetting for me to delay marriage for another 6–7 years until we can finally move in together. His response? He says he absolutely cannot be married to someone he doesn’t live with full-time, and that "if I loved him," I would understand this. In the same breath, he claims that a piece of paper shouldn't make a difference if we love each other.
I’m starting to think 6 or 7 years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait in limbo, and I'm worried he’s just using the living situation as an excuse because he doesn't actually want to get married again.

If someone suggested this to me in this scenario I'd be even more worried they were after my cash/house/pension to be honest!

It just doesn't make sense to be making that massive legal/financial commitment to someone who you don't share a life with, don't share children with and don't live with. Especially when both parties have their own DC who they should be protecting.

It's a mad idea but it would deal with OP's fears about commitment, although they would need to write a joint will. As no-one would know, there would be no expectation that they would live together. OP would have to sacrifice it being public for seven years and DP would have to sacrifice his resistance to being married but living separately.

It's not a meeting in the middle but a compromise in the sense that each of them gives something up for the benefit of the other. It would be a secret between the two of them, which with the right mindset could be fun. The inspiration is Margaret Drabble and Michael Holroyd, who married in 1982 but lived separately, across the Road from one another admittedly, to protect their writing time.

He sounds very sensible. I wouldn’t marry someone I had never lived with full time for a reasonable period either.

Look at it this way, you have two choices:

1. Be in a happy relationship for 6 years without marriage then get married or
2. End the relationship, even though you are happy. Write off the 3 years you’ve already spent with him, and try to find someone new to marry. You may find someone, you may not, and even still there’s no guarantee you’ll be married.

It’s not like you can’t get married, you just have to wait a little longer until you guys can live together first. If you are happy enough that you want to marry him, what’s another few years really?

No way would I do it. They could protect their property legally though. Among the many drawbacks are DP feeling resentful that he's married and living alone, and OP being anxious that DP won't go ahead with part 2, the very problems they have now.

I'm with those on this thread who don 't understand why people with failed marriages behind them want to embrace for a second (or third) time an institution that has already failed them and which is difficult and painful to get out of. The triumph of hope over experience, perhaps, especially when marriage breakdowns increase with second and subsequent marriages.

Typo

It’s not about to see how it works, because we are together 4 days/week in average, out of which 2 weekend days. We cannot live full time together for objective reasons (our work and my DS). But he’s idea of marriage is “being together all the time”, while I see it as a commitment and normal development of a relationship. I wonder if he just uses the “all the time” as an excuse to not commit

Why not just enjoy the relationship as it is? Why the need to get married at all? I’m with him. I wouldn’t be rushing into marriage either. You’ve both been married before. He’s right to prioritise his children.

When you are 50y old, 6 years make a huge difference.

Could one of you move, to solve the geographical distance issue? Or both of you, for a fresh start in a new place you choose together. Him, preferably, so your son's schooling isn't interrupted as he moves into KS4.

Why does it make a difference, it’s not like you’re going to have kids

I absolutely would not marry someone I wasn't living with!

Unfortunately we cannot move because of our work.

If you married at 50, you'd have a good chance of at least 35 years of marriage. At 56, you have 29 years+. The difference is only about 20% in the context of an average lifespan. That's not huge, although when life expectancy was about 20 years less it would have been.

That's a shame. Any chance of remote working so one of you commutes only a couple of days a week? Or changing career to something that allows one of you to be self-employed - consultancy, coaching, psychotherapy, virtual PA?

No, I’m afraid. We both need to keep our current jobs as long as possible.

It must be frustrating for you because he has all the power and you have none because you can't make him agree to marriage now.

Would you feel more convinced and settled about his commitment to you if you got engaged and had an engagement party as a public declaration of intent but without the need to live together seven days a week?

Another option would be to buy a weekend property together (if you could afford it) between your two homes so joint property ownership gave you some material commitment.

Natural progression would be living tighter in this situation, not marriage.

4 days a week is not at all the same as permanently living together and fully sharing a home and a life.

I think you need to consider why you need marriage so much. Marriage is not a guarantee of
commitment and a marriage where you still only sleep under the same roof four nights a weeks shows much less commitment than buying a home together would.

Have the two of you considered how you would each protect your assets for your children if you did marry in future?

Marriage is a big commitment. Its not something you do just because you've been together for X number of years.

Marriage is no guarantee of anything especially if one person is only agreeing under pressure.

He is right. You would be both be daft to even get married. What about your children’s inheritance? His children’s?

Considering how extremely common his view is I don’t think it’s really an “excuse” to not commit. The vast, vast majority of men and women wouldn’t enter into a legal marriage with someone they aren’t in a position to live with for many more years.
It’s not like he’s pulling some totally left field random excuse, it’s a very normal and legitimate comment.

I got engaged after 10. I don’t see why you’re in a rush considering you’re not going to have kids together. He’s right that it’s bizarre to get married when you don’t live together.

Living tighter is not an option for us now. DP has at least 7y until retirement, moving in now is too difficult because his job is near his home.
We’ve never got to discuss finances in detail because DP shuts down when I mention marriage. We haven’t even talked about current incomes and I don’t know how to mention that without creating an embarrassment or making him feel pressured.

I don’t understand why you are so keen to get married when you have no immediate plans to live together.

I'm astonished that you're pushing for marriage without having shared financial details.

At my age, and after going through a divorce, I see things differently. My priorities have shifted because I realize how quickly and unexpectedly life can change or end. For me, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I believe the natural next step is to get married—nothing less. His refusal hurts me, especially since he claims things won't change between us anyway. Marriage matters to me because I feel it would bring us closer emotionally. However, his lack of acknowledgment regarding how much this bothers me will destroy our relationship sooner, because I know I will grow to resent him.