AIBU to think 6–7 years is too long to wait for marriage?

[LivingApartTogether26]

Hello everyone. I’m looking for some perspective here as I’m feeling really stuck and upset.
I’ve been divorced for a few years, and for the last 3 years, I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely divorced man. He has grown-up children (one lives with him but spends half her time at her boyfriend's) and we live about 1.5 hours apart. My DS is 14 and lives with me 5 days a week.
Because of the distance and our kids, we split our time. I stay at his 2 nights a week, he stays at mine 1–2 nights, and we spend most weekends and holidays together. We talk a lot about getting old together and buying a property once the kids have flown the nest.
I’ve made it clear that I want to get married as a natural step forward, even if we can’t live together full-time just yet due to my DS finishing school.
During our last discussion, I told him it’s just too upsetting for me to delay marriage for another 6–7 years until we can finally move in together. His response? He says he absolutely cannot be married to someone he doesn’t live with full-time, and that "if I loved him," I would understand this. In the same breath, he claims that a piece of paper shouldn't make a difference if we love each other.
I’m starting to think 6 or 7 years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait in limbo, and I'm worried he’s just using the living situation as an excuse because he doesn't actually want to get married again.

I also agree with him. You need to live together first.

You want to get married soonish but live long distance until the kids have flown the nest, which is likely going to be some years away.

Getting married but not living together is not a natural step, especially with a long distance relationship. How would you know you're compatible when it comes to living together? I see his point. Why should he marry you while living apart for 6 or 7 more years? I think that's a weird ask and honestly, I would see it as a financial grab and end things.

That he won't talk finances with you, he might be seeing this as mercenary on your part. But he's willing to talk marriage in some distant future. Adding, but then you said he shuts down when you talk marriage. Yeah, he's not going to marry you now or in the future.

Would that be a deal breaker for you? If that's the case, he should be honest and tell you that.

As a divercee myself I wouldnt marry again unless I really knew the person and had spent at least a decade on them! But I imagine each individual with have a different opinion on this

He won't even talk about finances and you've never lived together, but you think the next natural step is marriage? You're bonkers. If you would rather be married to someone than in a relationship with him specifically then sure, break up over it. If you love him and want to be with him, with shared commitment, then find a way to move in together before you financially and legally tie yourself together.

Marriage is a joint life. You dont have a joint life and dont forsee one for nearly a decade because of your jobs?

So why are you even thinking about marriage. Just carry on as you are. Why do you need to be married anyway?

I think you just need to accept it or move on. It's not like he's being unreasonable or anything.

I understand you'd like some kind of commitment and closeness, but it sounds that marriage is not the right kind of it - not living together, not talking about money, not being ready for a marriage.

You want to get closer together emotionaly - could some kind of shared project work?

I mean ultimately you have to suit yourself but I find this mindset utterly bizarre.

Why is it him who has to bend and acknowledge your wants when his wants arent really acknowledged or respected by you?

What will marriage bring you or not bring you? You dont share children or assets. Your children each would be worse off due to inheritance issues.

I find people obsessed with marriage on this forum and Im afraid I cannot understand it.

But if its important to you you'll just have to end it.

Marriage won’t bring you closer emotionally, it just adds a legal difficulty in parting. Buyer beware.

This is true.

How on earth is marriage the next step when you don’t even life together or share a life??

If you’re already talking about how much you’re going to resent him you should just end it now because he’s taking a completely logical and balanced approach. Pushing for marriage while in this ridiculous situation isn’t going to help your relationship.

I would not marry someone I was not living with, so I agree with your partner.
I don’t understand why you feel the need to get married in this situation, especially as you are both divorced.
Either make plans for when he retires / kids have flown the nest, or if this is a deal breaker, leave him and move on.

Dh and I waited longer than that to get married.

6-7 years is too long if you are starting out and planning to have children together. You both already completed that stage. Taking things slowly is the ideal.

Really there is no need to marry at all. Your primary financial obligations remain to your respective children and marriage will just complicate issues of inheritance.

Marriage is an excellent institution for protecting women who are having children. It also facilitates couples planning a lifetime together and trying to pass assets on to the next generation. You are getting married purely for romantic love as you don’t even plan to live together yet. It will only complicate your lives.

If you’re not close enough to have discussed finances (I would not say that discussing entering into a marriage is a pre requisite for discussing finances), you’re not close enough to get married.

He’s completely correct. You’d want to be living together for at least a year before getting hitched. None of us really know our partner to live with and their effort levels/irritating habits etc till we do.

But there is no guarantee you’ll meet anyone else in that time or if you do whether you’ll get married.

I genuinely think this is bonkers…you are so happy with him that you want to marry him, but also you would leave him because he won’t marry you…yet.

And he has sensible reasons, he wants to live together first, you know like 99.9% of people do. It’s not that he just doesn’t want to marry you.

If you haven't discussed finances, how can you possibly know that you must both continue to work? It's worrying that you feel you can't broach the topic of finance with DP, and that he appears unwilling to have a full conversation about marriage.

You are telling us that you want marriage sooner rather than later with a man you have never lived with, who you cannot communicate openly with, and whose income you do not know, and after two previous failed marriages between you. It sounds very fragile and risky, OP, especially when you have a DS likely to be living with you for at least another four years.

Wow.

Your relationship is nowhere near ready for marriage.

Why do you think he shuts down OP? It’s not because he wants to get married is it? He’s avoiding the subject because he doesn’t want it - at least right now. Are you going on about it a lot?

If a man wants to marry you, it’ll happen within a reasonable timescale not years down the line.

I think you’re pushing marriage because you’re feeling insecure about your relationship, it’s going very slowly, I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing when you’ve got a teenager to prioritise. You’ve got a good compromise of prioritising your son and a casual relationship that will hopefully develop in time.

If you don’t even know your partner’s income, you cannot marry yet. I would stop trying to force it, look for security and commitment in other ways.

You have not discussed finances? This is not on a marriage page yet at all.

It’s a risk to people’s pensions and kids inheritances if you marry someone who is not their Dad. The chances of very unequal finances will be higher than when starting out in life. If I ended up single I wouldn’t risk my decent pension for anyone.

If you are very honest with yourself, are you pushing for marriage as a way of locking your partner's commitment in now, because you are afraid the relationship will fizzle out otherwise?
Marriage doesn't make a lot of sense really for either of you in the positions you are in but obviously it would be harder to end that the relationship you currently have.

Like others who have posted, I think your DP is right to be cautious of marriage at this point and maybe at any point.
You don't live together, you haven't discussed finances - which are usually the biggest sticking point or problem in marriages - and you still have a teen living at home.
I think you need to respect his views and stop pushing for this commitment from him. Enjoy your relationship in the now and the time spent with your son and see how it develops as time goes on.
Pushing for a commitment your partner isn't ready for is a sure fire way to ruin your relationship

madness to think marrying him is a good idea when he refuses to discuss finances. just madness.

For me, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I believe the natural next step is to get married—nothing less

But you can't move in together - or you won't - your jobs are too important to consider relocating or a career change, you don't know anything about his financial situation, and you don't even have a clue how to approach him about that?

And yet you insist that marriage is the next natural step without ANY compromise?

You've been married before op. You know it's not just about consolidating an emotional commitment but a hugely legal one too, right? OF COURSE he doesn't want to get married if neither of you are prepared to take any steps to even discuss the practicalities of a future together

You're mad for thinking otherwise (and I say this after a 16-year LAT relationship that has only recently become an engagement!)

I’m 50s and divorced. At my age and life experience I don’t personally see marriage as bringing emotional connection or closeness. Just a legal contract.

i did the emotions with first marriage and it ended in divorce. Now while I want a strong connected relationship marriage duesnt bring that - it just combines assets - and I certainly don’t be handing mine over to anyone other than my children !

I think he’s right .