I can't stand living with DSS

[LoveMyHorse]

DSS25 just graduated and is staying with us for the next few months before moving in with his girlfriend. He's been here about 6 weeks and it feels like 6 years. He's messy, noisy, virtually nocturnal, leaves his stuff lying around everywhere, and generally seems to think I'm his maid. He never goes out: gym 2 or 3 times a week. The rest of the time spent in his Playstation. Wats family dinners, but then cooks expensive stuff like steak which he buys just for himself, usually at 2am. DH and I asked him nicely to be tidier, and he got really defensive. I'm chronically ill and disabled as well as caring for DD13 who is autistic, not in school, and very anxious. DH works full time. Other kids are students and/or working.

If somebody else had written this asking for my advice, then I'd say he needs to get a job, to pay some rent, and to muck in a bit more with day to day life in a big family instead of behaving like he lives in a serviced apartment. But here's the stumbling block: he scares me. He got arrested twice 3 years ago for assaulting his girlfriend. She's taken him back, which is her decision, and he hasn't been arrested again since then. I'm not aware of any other violence from him towards her, but he did have a drunken fight with a friend about a month ago. I was in an abusive relationship myself aged 17-20 and DSS's assault was the same: strangulation. I believe that men like that don't change. It's never an isolated incident: it comes from a deep contempt for women. I've tolerated him for shorter periods like Christmas and uni holidays for DH's sake, but I hadn't anticipated struggling with old feelings and emotions so much. Maybe it's because he never goes out so he's in my space constantly with little respite. I am fucking FURIOUS that stuff I've dealt with in counselling a long time ago has been dragged back out and is hurting me again. My home doesn't feel like my safe space any more. Every time I clean all his mess off the hob or clean up his shavings from the bathroom sink, I can only see it through the lens of his inherent contempt for women and his utter entitlement, and it's making me disproportionately angry about the small stuff. Like "oh my god, there are pubes all over the toilet seat again and YOU STRANGLED YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU PIECE OF SHIT HOW DARE YOU BARGE INTO MY HOME". Obviously this is not a healthy way to live, and I'm so stressed I can't think straight. How do I cope til January? Or do I tell DH that I can't? We said he could stay here for 6 months, and if I say he has to go then I don't see how DSS & DH's relationship could recover. Nor mine and DH's.

This is a 25yr old man who has been arrested for strangling his girlfriend.

My disabled non schooled DC is kind and loving and generous, and does way more around the house to help out. He's in special school 3 days a week and is a delight to be around. I'd put a lot of money on him never assaulting anyone. He's not a selfish entitled cunt. In the unlikely event of him becoming a violent misogynistic cunt then he could live elsewhere when he's an adult. I'd still love him but I wouldn't let him live with us. So why don't you go and make assumptions somewhere else?

With his girlfriend, god help her. Turns out she has her own place not with her mum - SS was lying to us so he could live here and have a free holiday, it seems.

Thank you. I'm still shaky and hyper vigilant, but there's an end in sight. And my DCs' dad lives very nearby; I know I could ask him to have the DC if SS starts being even more unpleasant. And DH's relationship with his son hasn't been completely destroyed. Things could be a lot worse.

And my older DC works full time - he had a blip a year ago when he was being lazy and entitled. So I challenged and bollocked him and now he's also mainly a delight to live with. He's not perfect, but when he misbehaves he gets a minor bollocking and then he's lovely again. I don't want to live in a perfect show home: I can live with a bit of mess when the general attitude is good and they don't treat me like their personal maid.

Hmmm, let’s hope he isn’t lying about this and moving out. Good luck.

Yeah, I'm worried that it's yet more bullshit. I think I need to think of a back up plan for if that happens.

He's a grown ass man. Tell him it's not working and that he has two weeks to make other arrangements. Then kick him out. Give him a list of all the things he did wrong so he understands why he is getting the boot. Don't even let him come visit for the holidays.

You did the right thing @LoveMyHorse , he's 25 and university educated but still lazy and entitled. It's easy for posters here to say it's because he's your DSS but that's rubbish, he's a deeply unpleasant adult, not a child.

Why is it 2 weeks instead of Monday? He needs to go NOW!

Yes, this sounds like the "see if we can wear her down" strategy. To which your H is wittingly (out of hope perhaps*) or unwittingly complicit.

*Because it makes his life easier.

That's my fear. And DH doesn't seem to get it. And even if he does go in two weeks as allegedly planned, what happens when he fucks it all up? Where does he go then? Back here?? I have a very strong urge to gather up my DCs and move out. DH can buy me out and I might be able to afford something for the three of us.

I'd be changing the locks, OP. Or at least get his key off him.

Since you managed to get your DH to understand some of how you feel it would be worth another go Op. I know it's his DS but he needs to see him how he really is, not how he'd like to see him, including taking onboard that you'll be leaving if he let his DS come back. Better to tell him the truth now than end up in this position again

Well done for being clear with your DH, @LoveMyHorse - hope it works out!

Well done OP. I’m proud of you!

You need to be super clear that SS is NOT welcome back in the house if things go south with his GF and new living arrangement. Make sure he understands that if he comes back, you and our DC will leave. That’s non negotiable.

SS has had ample time to get a job and raise funds for a flat, or a flat share. He’s 25 ffs, not 18!

"DH doesn't seem to get it."

DH doesn't WANT to get it. He is prioritising his own comfort, and he thinks his son will make more trouble than you will.

It's kind of that old adage

'Women think, "He will change (if I can just find the magic words to get through to him)". Men think, "She will never leave (because I've got her and now she's tied to me financially, with kids etc)". They're both wrong.'

He's not moving out in January. Sorry to say that, but from what you've said, it doesn't look like a solid plan.

A lot of what you mention isn’t unusual. He cooks himself a steak? Ok.. we never charged our kids rent, we let them save. Your dss is actively looking for a job. Obviously the strangulation thing is an issue. Revolting. But, and I say this as a step parent, do you think some of how you feel is not having any authority in your own home?
If it were your child making a mess you could scream at him, but unless your dh has your back, your hands are tied. I would certainly stop tidying his mess that’s for sure.

Right! He tried to strangle his girlfriend! Twice! At the very least the consequences of his actions should be he doesn’t get to slob around in his father’s house, traumatising his father’s wife because he’s a violent criminal who tried to strangle a woman. Clearly his own mum and step father have woken up and smelt the coffee and don’t want him around. OP, your husband shouldn’t be putting you through this. I’d be telling him the son goes or you go. If you’re very understandably scared of him (what woman wouldn’t be!) there doesn’t need to be any talk of the fact he’s a violent crim, your DH just tells him you both need your space back, that’s it. Get him out in a way that’s the least triggering for you. As for the g/f. Such a travesty. He’s tried to strangle her but she wants to move in with him! If she’s 200 miles away hopefully she’ll come to her senses, or meet someone else who isn’t likely to kill her.

I feel for you! I feel in this situation, if it were me, I would be telling DH that at 25 he needs to find somewhere else to live. Get a job and get a house share. Either that, or I would be asking DH to sell the house, split proceeds in half and I would be buying somewhere for myself. I would not be living in fear in this situation. You’ve said plans to move in January are vague. What happens when January comes and he’s still with you. He could stay for another 2-3 years especially if he breaks up with his GF? I would genuinely be considering moving myself.

I have since read your update after posting. Wait and see if he moves in two weeks, but like you have said, what happens if they split up? Will he return? How long for? All you can do is wait and see. However, in the meantime, I would be getting my ducks in a row and seeing what I could afford alone. Best of luck.

I would really struggle to forgive my husband for exposing me and our children to this threat.

I'm struggling to forgive myself for allowing it, tbh. DH wants to believe his son is a good person who made a mistake; it's easier for me to see him clearly and I shouldn't have let him move in in the first place.

DH and I have been talking and he accepts that my kids and I would leave if he allowed SS to move back in. He says he won't let that happen: if (when!) it all goes wrong with the girlfriend then we'll help financially so he can live elsewhere. DH is going to drive SS and his stuff when he moves (SS doesn't drive) to make sure it actually happens. I've never known DH to not keep his word, so alli need to do now is get through the next 13 days.