I can't stand living with DSS

[LoveMyHorse]

DSS25 just graduated and is staying with us for the next few months before moving in with his girlfriend. He's been here about 6 weeks and it feels like 6 years. He's messy, noisy, virtually nocturnal, leaves his stuff lying around everywhere, and generally seems to think I'm his maid. He never goes out: gym 2 or 3 times a week. The rest of the time spent in his Playstation. Wats family dinners, but then cooks expensive stuff like steak which he buys just for himself, usually at 2am. DH and I asked him nicely to be tidier, and he got really defensive. I'm chronically ill and disabled as well as caring for DD13 who is autistic, not in school, and very anxious. DH works full time. Other kids are students and/or working.

If somebody else had written this asking for my advice, then I'd say he needs to get a job, to pay some rent, and to muck in a bit more with day to day life in a big family instead of behaving like he lives in a serviced apartment. But here's the stumbling block: he scares me. He got arrested twice 3 years ago for assaulting his girlfriend. She's taken him back, which is her decision, and he hasn't been arrested again since then. I'm not aware of any other violence from him towards her, but he did have a drunken fight with a friend about a month ago. I was in an abusive relationship myself aged 17-20 and DSS's assault was the same: strangulation. I believe that men like that don't change. It's never an isolated incident: it comes from a deep contempt for women. I've tolerated him for shorter periods like Christmas and uni holidays for DH's sake, but I hadn't anticipated struggling with old feelings and emotions so much. Maybe it's because he never goes out so he's in my space constantly with little respite. I am fucking FURIOUS that stuff I've dealt with in counselling a long time ago has been dragged back out and is hurting me again. My home doesn't feel like my safe space any more. Every time I clean all his mess off the hob or clean up his shavings from the bathroom sink, I can only see it through the lens of his inherent contempt for women and his utter entitlement, and it's making me disproportionately angry about the small stuff. Like "oh my god, there are pubes all over the toilet seat again and YOU STRANGLED YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU PIECE OF SHIT HOW DARE YOU BARGE INTO MY HOME". Obviously this is not a healthy way to live, and I'm so stressed I can't think straight. How do I cope til January? Or do I tell DH that I can't? We said he could stay here for 6 months, and if I say he has to go then I don't see how DSS & DH's relationship could recover. Nor mine and DH's.

Then you need to make him understand how SS's presence makes you feel OP.

It's clear you can't expect your H to be psychic, but it's very clear that you haven't said 'no' at any point, to SS moving into your home for 6 months either.

SS's own Mother won't house him ffs, and I'm quite sure the reason isn't just her partner...

Obviously the GF's Mother won't let him move into her home either, and quite rightly so. I'm sure she's doing all she can to help her D break up with him too.

So, no-one is willing to house this Prince of a man, because he's a violent, lazy, selfish, arrogant, misogynistic piece of crap. Yet his Father thinks it's 'ok' because he 'just needs....' whatever?

Yeah, he 'just needs' a dose of reality and do be forced to behave like an actuel grown up for a start. And I'm quite positive the vague future 'plans' he says he has, won't ever materialise either, you'll just be stuck with him in your home until it suits SS to move out. (And it's very likely that your H would happily give him a home again at any point in the future if suits SS )

Tell your H that either he tells SS he has to move out, or both your H & SS can move out together, because your mental health & physical safety are not being put second place to SS's 'comfort' & 'security' any more.

You're going to have to take the bull by the horns and confront this problem head on, because if you don't, this will be your life going forward, forever.

You tell DH that he needs to lay down some rules and be firm about enforcing them or you can’t cope.

ask what’s expected of your children in your home, agree what’s expected of other adults In your home and those are now the rules. SS either abides by them or finds somewhere else to live

Whose house is it? I couldn't live like that.

Thank you all for your responses - I'm reading them all and appreciate people's insight. DH and I will talk tonight when he's back from work.

I have a pattern of thinking everything will be fine if I just try hard enough - I'm annoyed with myself for sleepwalking into this situation and thinking other people are more important than what I need. I should have said no to him moving in, but I never expected to feel like this. I didn't see SS for several months after his arrest and I naively thought with him moving away to uni that it wouldn't come between DH and me, so I never told DH how repulsed I was by the assault at the time. DH was dealing with the fallout from it and supporting his other kids, one of whom witnessed it, and was obviously very upset by SS' actions. I didn't think it would be very helpful at the time to start detailing how disgusted I was too.

The house is jointly mine and DH's.

OP I don't think it's you who has to try hard enough, it's him.

You have a DH problem. He needs to start being way way firmer. SS needs to be firmely told to clean up after himself, no cooking after 10 etc. SS needs to be given 4 weeks to find somewhere like a house share. He also needs to get a job, any job. Now is a good time to look with people going back to Uni etc. Your DH needs to stop pussy footing around him.

Ideally your DH should step up, but for your own sanity you might need to be the firm one. I haven’t seen anywhere that he is paying rent so you set out the rules for him being a guest (written) and then if he doesn’t do as told he finds somewhere else. That should include cleanliness, and not just being in the house all day. If he isn’t working then he can get out and about and do something useful.

I am so sorry to hear about your experience, and you deserve a safe calm home.

DH has moved his abusive son back under the roof where not only you and your DD live, but one of his other DC who witnessed one of the attempted strangulations?

Am I reading that right?

And you feel you should be trying harder to make this go away? Mate, this is not a you issue. It's not about you being helpful. It's about facing facts, that a family home is not a suitable place for a man who strangles women to live.

Your DH is a wet lettuce and total mug.

And his son knows it.

He's taking the piss out of you both.

He has total contempt for his girlfriend and total contempt for you. That's not a lack of self confidence. That's the epitome of arrogance and over confidence that he can get on with this shit.

You can't live like this OP, you must get out with your daughter.

Difficult situation.

The one thing you can do starting right now is to stop clearing after him. Your DP can get home from work and go around wiping up step son’s beard hair and undoing all the mess he’s made.

Obviously he needs to move out. Where he goes is not your problem, he is old enough to sort himself out.

Your DH needs to have a serious conversation with him and get him to toe the line otherwise he will be evicted.

Do you think he’s totally oblivious to the upset he’s causing, or do you think he’s doing it intentionally because he knows you’re afraid of him and his dad is too weak to say anything?

Not welcome at his mums or his gfs after being arrested twice, im not fucking surprised.

Going to grannies, will she put up with his messiness because id be worried he is violent to an older vulnerable woman.

I would leave majority to DH, no dinner? Hm kitchen isnt clean so im not doing it. Bathroom, work around it, clean your teeth etc but dont clean it, DH will start to see the mess. If he doesn't, id be kicking them both out.

Is there anywhere you can go to escape this?

@LoveMyHorse
None of your (awful) backstory 💐 is needed to make your feelings reaspnable

I have never been strangled and I would tell my dh very simply either his son moves out in the next 4 weeks and doesnt enter our home again
OR
we need to get the EAs round and get some valuations to list the house as we need to live separately.

And I'd mean it.

"Ideally your DH should step up, but for your own sanity you might need to be the firm one. "

OP is scared of the violent SS, with good reason. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage OP to talk to SS herself. ALL of the rule setting should come from DH, and if he can't do it because he's too scared as well, the cops should be involved.

Also, on another topic, OP, it's a TERRIBLE idea to lumber granny with this violent lout. The elder abuse stats in the UK are horrible

https://www.bps.org.uk/blog/elder-abuse-hidden-epidemic-and-call-safeguarding-action

More like where is his DAD in this? Why on earth has the OPs husband allowed the son to move back in??

He's 25.

He can handle moving out to a house share or whatever.

I wouldn't be having him anywhere near my daughter, no matter how charming he can seem.

I sincerely hope you can have the conversation with his dad and find a solution.

Aside from his lazy and revolting habits, there isn't a chance in hell I would stay under the same roof as this piece of excrement.

Not for 6 days, let alone 6 months.

I would be issuing your H an ultimatum OP. Ether the 25 year old abuser goes or you do. This isn't some errant 17 year old who needs some guidance and parenting. Absolutely fuck that.. he gets arrested for strangling his gf, yet it is you walking on eggshells in your own home.

Get. Him. Out. And the fuck away from your DD.