DSS25 just graduated and is staying with us for the next few months before moving in with his girlfriend. He's been here about 6 weeks and it feels like 6 years. He's messy, noisy, virtually nocturnal, leaves his stuff lying around everywhere, and generally seems to think I'm his maid. He never goes out: gym 2 or 3 times a week. The rest of the time spent in his Playstation. Wats family dinners, but then cooks expensive stuff like steak which he buys just for himself, usually at 2am. DH and I asked him nicely to be tidier, and he got really defensive. I'm chronically ill and disabled as well as caring for DD13 who is autistic, not in school, and very anxious. DH works full time. Other kids are students and/or working.
If somebody else had written this asking for my advice, then I'd say he needs to get a job, to pay some rent, and to muck in a bit more with day to day life in a big family instead of behaving like he lives in a serviced apartment. But here's the stumbling block: he scares me. He got arrested twice 3 years ago for assaulting his girlfriend. She's taken him back, which is her decision, and he hasn't been arrested again since then. I'm not aware of any other violence from him towards her, but he did have a drunken fight with a friend about a month ago. I was in an abusive relationship myself aged 17-20 and DSS's assault was the same: strangulation. I believe that men like that don't change. It's never an isolated incident: it comes from a deep contempt for women. I've tolerated him for shorter periods like Christmas and uni holidays for DH's sake, but I hadn't anticipated struggling with old feelings and emotions so much. Maybe it's because he never goes out so he's in my space constantly with little respite. I am fucking FURIOUS that stuff I've dealt with in counselling a long time ago has been dragged back out and is hurting me again. My home doesn't feel like my safe space any more. Every time I clean all his mess off the hob or clean up his shavings from the bathroom sink, I can only see it through the lens of his inherent contempt for women and his utter entitlement, and it's making me disproportionately angry about the small stuff. Like "oh my god, there are pubes all over the toilet seat again and YOU STRANGLED YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU PIECE OF SHIT HOW DARE YOU BARGE INTO MY HOME". Obviously this is not a healthy way to live, and I'm so stressed I can't think straight. How do I cope til January? Or do I tell DH that I can't? We said he could stay here for 6 months, and if I say he has to go then I don't see how DSS & DH's relationship could recover. Nor mine and DH's.