I can't stand living with DSS

[LoveMyHorse]

DSS25 just graduated and is staying with us for the next few months before moving in with his girlfriend. He's been here about 6 weeks and it feels like 6 years. He's messy, noisy, virtually nocturnal, leaves his stuff lying around everywhere, and generally seems to think I'm his maid. He never goes out: gym 2 or 3 times a week. The rest of the time spent in his Playstation. Wats family dinners, but then cooks expensive stuff like steak which he buys just for himself, usually at 2am. DH and I asked him nicely to be tidier, and he got really defensive. I'm chronically ill and disabled as well as caring for DD13 who is autistic, not in school, and very anxious. DH works full time. Other kids are students and/or working.

If somebody else had written this asking for my advice, then I'd say he needs to get a job, to pay some rent, and to muck in a bit more with day to day life in a big family instead of behaving like he lives in a serviced apartment. But here's the stumbling block: he scares me. He got arrested twice 3 years ago for assaulting his girlfriend. She's taken him back, which is her decision, and he hasn't been arrested again since then. I'm not aware of any other violence from him towards her, but he did have a drunken fight with a friend about a month ago. I was in an abusive relationship myself aged 17-20 and DSS's assault was the same: strangulation. I believe that men like that don't change. It's never an isolated incident: it comes from a deep contempt for women. I've tolerated him for shorter periods like Christmas and uni holidays for DH's sake, but I hadn't anticipated struggling with old feelings and emotions so much. Maybe it's because he never goes out so he's in my space constantly with little respite. I am fucking FURIOUS that stuff I've dealt with in counselling a long time ago has been dragged back out and is hurting me again. My home doesn't feel like my safe space any more. Every time I clean all his mess off the hob or clean up his shavings from the bathroom sink, I can only see it through the lens of his inherent contempt for women and his utter entitlement, and it's making me disproportionately angry about the small stuff. Like "oh my god, there are pubes all over the toilet seat again and YOU STRANGLED YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU PIECE OF SHIT HOW DARE YOU BARGE INTO MY HOME". Obviously this is not a healthy way to live, and I'm so stressed I can't think straight. How do I cope til January? Or do I tell DH that I can't? We said he could stay here for 6 months, and if I say he has to go then I don't see how DSS & DH's relationship could recover. Nor mine and DH's.

When he moves in with the girlfriend it probably won't last.
What then, will he move back to your house

You can't live like this. You need to be really blunt with your DH and tell him his DS's behaviour in the home is unacceptable, that you are frightened of him, and that his presence in your home is badly affecting your mental health. Ask him to help his DS find alternative accommodation ASAP.
And impress on your DH that unless he takes action, and immediate action, then you will need to leave the family home for your own well being.

I’m horrified that this man is:

A) currently living with a woman (OP) & children
B) everyone seems enthused about him moving in with a gf
C) there’s a potential for him to move in with grandma

WTAF?? This man tried to KILL a woman, he shouldn’t be living with any.

If his dad wants to house him, he can pay for a studio flat somewhere or Dad should be moving out and living with his murderous son.

Do people really care about women’s lives so little? Everyone rejoicing that he may be moving in with his gf soon, who he is likely to kill? Seriously?

I know that parents get blinded by their love for their child, but his own mother won’t live with him, I think that says it all.

OP, I’d tell your H he needs to move his son out either with himself or alone. Your safety trumps this man-child’s wants.

You need to tell DH this isn’t working.

It might not be a good idea to explain your past more fully to your husband so that he might understand how you feel and that SS scares you unless you are absolutely sure that he wouldn't then tell his son in the hope it might make him more considerate. SS might well use that information to be even more intimidating. Men like him do.

But I do think you should tell DH that if SS is to remain until January that he must now clean all the mess his son makes if he will not insist his son does it himself. And if the house isn't kept to the standard that you and your other children are used to then his son will have to move out immediately and DH can go with him if he thinks his grown man son cannot cope without a parent.

It has also crossed my mind that the beginning of January might be a difficult deadline to keep. I'm only guessing, but I doubt many people move straight after the holidays so you could end up with him hanging around well into January if not February. It might be more practical for the deadline to be changed to mid December the latest. And perhaps remind your DH that he is doing his son no favours at all by enabling him to continue to live like a teenager.

I did some voluntary work as a fundraiser for a DV charity. it’s a shame he was not prosecuted and they can prosecute without the victims co operation but it is harder if they will not co operate. This happens a lot in DV cases. I am assuming she changed her mind.

With a history of violence he should never have been allowed to move in. It’s the one time children can be denied access to the family home. I would be especially freaking out of if I had a DD at home.

In these circumstances I would be breaking up with the DH in this situation. I struggle to believe violent men ever really change. I saw my Mother beaten by my stepfather and it has never left me. He drove a beautiful, clever and vivacious woman in to an absolute wreck over a couple of years. It changed her personality completely for a few years , he very fortunately died when I was a teenager. she had a total breakdown and was very unwell for a couple of years.

I wish they'd prosecuted him. I barely know his GF: met her for ten minutes a couple of times. But I am absolutely not happy with the idea of him living with her either. I want to message her and say she can always come to me and I'll believe and support her. Terrified that they'll have children and god knows what'll happen then.

It sounds stressful. I too suggest hotel.

Can you phone your husband, or send a msg with pictures of pubes on the toilet, shaving residue in the sink,

(In a shared house where someone's boyfriend kept doing that we started leaving "period" blood on the seat. He pitched a fit and never came back)

Your DH needs to be sorting this man out. He’s a menace to society and will hurt more women, your DH needs to take some accountability here, men don’t become abusers out of nowhere.

I would imagine he put the fear of god into her and that's why she dropped the case. None of the other women - mum, girlfriend's mum - want to live with him and of course you don't, either.

I think your husband and he should move out until your stepson has found somewhere else to live. I'd be absolutely terrified of him.

Agreed. This man is a high risk perpetrator of domestic abuse. He should not be living with a teenage girl. He should not be living with an elderly woman. Neither of these should have his forced upon them, whether or not they appear to like him or a related. The friend/fawn response can kick in subconsciously, and Grandmother is likely to feel an obligation towards him - plus, he is well versed in grooming.

He needs to leave the property. If he won’t, and your husband does not understand just how dangerous and unacceptable this situation is, I would be reconsidering the marriage.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and kick him out. Give him 4 weeks max to find alternative accommodation then pack his stuff and change the locks

Go to Granny's and notice a few jobs like mowing, vaccuming, weeding, clearing gutters that need attending to.
Have DH write down the chores and explain where tools are etc.
Ask DSS to stay for one night and two days with Granny. Prepare him to clean bathroom at the end of each visit and to take his own towel to wash, etc..

At your place erect instruction signs near sink, basin, washing machine etc. Ask DH to request that DSS is a more considerate house guest and to encourage DSS to find job.

Sadly, it likely will last.

She's already dropped the charges against him once and taken him back; it's well known that it takes women a long time to get away from their abuser - the average number of attempts to leave an abusive partner is 7 and she hasn't even moved in with him yet when it will be much harder; she will know he has no where else to go so guilt will play a huge part; leaving is the most dangerous time for an abused woman.

OP, his dad is minimising this and will be in denial to a degree - no one would want to think of their child as a violent domestic abuser. He doesn't want to face up to who is son really is and there will he a part of him that is thinking, "He just needs... [insert a job, a stable partner, whatever]" He'll be making excuses for his son to himself.

His poor girlfriend's mum must he beside herself too.

OP, i don't know what your options are but I would be looking at removing myself from this situation if at all possible. You have a vulnerable child of your own who must be your priority

I'd also be having a very frank conversation with your partner about this.

You are absolutely not unreasonable for feeling the way you do. I don't know the set up of your house but if it is yours and you can ask them both to leave then do this.

Tbh, your husband infantilising his adult son and saying he needs his fragile ego pandered to is not addressing any of his issues but is enabling his patterns of abuse and contempt for women. His son needs deep, sustained therapy not coddling. He is showing no signs of reform and received no consequences for his actions.

In this situation I would be incandescent with rage and the fact that my husband was through his silence condoning the abusive actions of another man. I am so angry for you.

Does grandma have the room? I’d make it permanent til January. This is not a safe person to have around you and younger children.

You and your vulnerable daughter are not safe, you cannot live with a man who strangles women.
No marriage on earth is worth accepting a strangler in your property.

You said he’s 25 and been at Uni - so living independently. I can understand not charging rent if there’s no income - but would be expecting a higher level of participation in household chores so life is easier for everyone- not harder. He doesn’t sound very employable at the moment and your DH must stop pussyfooting around him. He is 25!!
He should be doing his own laundry, cleaning the bathroom, hoovering, putting bins out , mowing grass, cleaning cars, walking the dog (if you have one), visiting Grandma and helping her with jobs. If he uses the kitchen, you should not be able to tell afterwards as he will have cleaned up. If it’s tough at yours, this will provide motivation to get a job and move out. Your DH needs to raise the bar else you’ll all be stuck with this feckless and possibly dangerous waster for ever.

How on earth can it be safe for him to stay with his Granny FFS! as above PP says he is dangerous and not acceptable .His Dad needs to step up seriously here.Palming him off on various females is not the answer

This.

Realistically, you cannot make DSS change, and you cannot make DH change. If DH is determined to house his son, you can't change that.
Delivering an ultimatum to DH to choose between his son or you is likely to end your relationship either way: either he will choose his son, or he will choose you but the resentment will kill your relationship in the end.

Your options are:

1. to move out with DD, or if it is your property make DH and DSS move out (with police help if necessary)
2. or you put up with DSS.

As others have said, he may not leave in January, and even if he does he may come back again if the relationship goes bad. This may become a repeating pattern; he could be in and out of your home for many years to come.

Could you talk to your DH about your past? To help him understand why you don’t want him in the house? My exh was arrested for the same offence, so I understand the trauma of SS living in your house. I also would be very worried for his GF. Sending the GF a message of support is a good idea. I would tell DH that SS needs to find alternative accommodation xx

I am struggling to understand how the six month stay was negotiated, in a home that you and your other children live in, given the fact that he was arrested twice for strangulating his partner in the recent past?

I would say that you've changed your mind, he must find alternative accommodation, and be prepared to do so for you and your own DC if your DH won't move him out. I wouldn't for one second let my DC live under the same roof as someone who strangles women. It's very clear cut to me.

When I read it was until January, my heart sank for you and your daughter. I'm so sorry you're in this situation and that your husband is absolutely useless! He should be making sure you are safe and making his son move out asap.

You have my sympathy, but I don't know how you agreed to live with a violent, abusive criminal? You should have said 'no'? Whose property is this? Can you move out? In no circumstances I would agree to this, especially if I had another child.

The more I think about this, the wilder it seems. He can go and live with Granny can he? Does everyone think that's a good idea?

He was arrested, twice, for STRANGLING a woman. And your DH said, no worries, you can have the spare room for six months and you said sure, why not?

Strangulation is hugely problematic, it's not something that will have just happened twice in isolated incidents. That's indicative of an abusive man who likely cannot control his temper and you are absolutely right, regardless of your experience of domestic violence, to find it inappropriate that he is living under your roof. I would get out of there, because the fact that your DH feels it's ok, shows that he's not seeing the strangulation as an issue either.