Partner doesn’t seem interested in me unless we talk about me having sex with other men

[randomanon2]

I am F (45) and my partner M (39), only pays me any attention or affection when we talk about his fetish. He wants me to sleep with other men and even fall in love with them! We have been together for 15 years and have children. He never shows any affection and we just have a relationship where it feels like we’re friends. I don’t want this, I have spoken to him about it and he tells me it’s because he fancies me so much and it turns him on, the thought of him being jealous. I just don’t feel happy or content in a relationship which solely seems to rely on his fetishes. How would others feel about this? Thanks.

Has he always been like this? To be honest, I'd find his obsession very tedious and I don't think I'd have stayed with him 15 years!

No not always been like this, was ‘normal’ for the first few years then he changed and became obsessed with it!

How would others feel about this?

If it makes any difference I'd feel the same way as most other normal people would.

But that's not the question you need to be asking, is it?

'What are you going to do about it?' is the big one.

How do you mean ‘ unless’? He’s not ‘ interested in you’ at all, is he? Only in his fetish.

I mean he doesn’t show any affection, say anything nice, act like we’re in a relationship unless it’s during a time when he’s trying to coax me into doing that kind of thing

I had an ex like this. He only got turned on by the idea of me having sex with other men with him watching. I felt rejected and hurt because I wanted him to be turned on by having sex with me. He kept saying it was because he fancied me so much and wanted me to have my freedom and to be able to see it etc.

I ended it in the end because I wasn't enjoying see knowing he wasn't and I didn't want to have sex with anyone else.

It is a thing for some men unfortunately.

He’s gross.

Bin him off, and find someone who is interested in YOU.

I agree with PP, sod that. Get rid of him.

He tries to tell me he’s only like this because of how much he apparently fancies me and he’s never been like this before about anyone else. He says he wouldn’t feel like this if it was another woman and he says he’s not interested in being with any other women. Just feel like he’s talking shit to me.

But what will you do about your situation, OP? Do you work? What's your living situation?

Sounds like he's not that into you.

When does what you want matter?

Being married to anyone who is only interested in one topic, be it golf or his sexual fetish is not sustainable in a relationship.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cly5vvw77pzo

This sort of thing is becoming more and more common, possibly due to porn featuring cuck fetishes.

Pressuring you to do this is abusive. The rest of his behaviour also sounds abusive. You should leave him.

Yes, work full time, joint mortgage. I do love him but don’t want things to be the way they are. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and it just ends in a row and it can go too far. Would anyone else feel like me about this? Would you believe him?

Don’t be passive with his behaviour OP. Take control and end it with him.

How long has he been going on about this given he was only “normal” for a few years.

Sounds like you have been putting up with it for years.

He’s dominated by his fetish. You don’t float his boat sexually. He is turned on by being a Cuck, that’s all.

Boring for you.. unfulfilling.

Listen to the swingers podcast.
DO NOT do this unless you really like the idea yourself. And bin him off. He’s attempting to coerce you.

What do you mean by “it can go too far”?

Is he physically abusive too?

He’s been into this for about 9 years now

Have you spoken to him about Gisele Pelicot? I’d be watching him closely during the conversation.

That’s what I’m thinking … he’s just not into me and that’s what I need to know

So you haven’t been interested for 9 years and he is still going on about it? That’s nuts. Assume you haven’t gone along with it at any time?

Sorry if I missed the information but are you saying you engage in talking about his fetish to help him gain sexual gratification? If so I would absolutely stop that behaviour immediately. Firstly, because it’s a horrible use of you, when he offers no intimacy and attention outside of that, but secondly because if you want to stay in this relationship (Which I personally hope you won’t settle for) surely if he’s only getting off when that happens it’s reinforcing the fetish as being his only source of arousal?

I tried it once, right at the beginning of the talk. I’m not into it though, sex for me is in a loving relationship

He sounds dangerous. Your situation is giving me Gisèle pelicot vibes. Be careful.