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Original poster

Partner doesn’t seem interested in me unless we talk about me having sex with other men

104 replies

randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 14:11

I am F (45) and my partner M (39), only pays me any attention or affection when we talk about his fetish. He wants me to sleep with other men and even fall in love with them! We have been together for 15 years and have children. He never shows any affection and we just have a relationship where it feels like we’re friends. I don’t want this, I have spoken to him about it and he tells me it’s because he fancies me so much and it turns him on, the thought of him being jealous. I just don’t feel happy or content in a relationship which solely seems to rely on his fetishes. How would others feel about this? Thanks.

OP posts:
AgathaX · 15/08/2026 15:00

You have a choice. Stay and put up with this crap relationship, probably for many more years. Or leave and build a new and happier life.
It's not normal. He doesn't love or respect you. He's using you for his own fetish kicks. It's likely to get worse.

Saramur · 15/08/2026 15:01

Well that was probably a mistake but it was 9 years ago and you have been clear since. He is abusing you and you need to get out of that relationship!

DorsetMermaid · 15/08/2026 15:03

So for 9 years of your 15 year relationship he has been wanting you to have sex with and fall in love with other men.

"he’s never been like this before about anyone else. "
How many longish term relationships had he been in before he got together with you 15 years ago when he was 24?

"only pays me any attention or affection when we talk about his fetish"
That must be very lonely and unsatisfying. How on earth have you put up with this for so many years? It sounds soul destroying and so miserable.

You say you 'feel like friends' but friends don't only give someone attention or affection conditionally. He's not even as good as a friend is he?

Does he want you to fall in love with someone else so you'll leave him? Is he too cowardly to end it himself?

Original poster
randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 15:06

I’ve wondered that myself, whether he’s too weak to end the relationship. I’ve asked him, he said no not at all said he wants to be with me just can’t get the thought out of his head

OP posts:
adragoncalledaudrey · 15/08/2026 15:08

He can get the thought out of his head.

He chooses not to.

You can choose to remain with someone who puts his wants over yours.

Or not.

bitontheobtuse · 15/08/2026 15:10

He's a pervert who's attempting to exert coercive control over you and force you into sexual activity against your will.

There's only one way to sort this out and that is for you to leave him.

PickAChew · 15/08/2026 15:14

randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 14:46

He tries to tell me he’s only like this because of how much he apparently fancies me and he’s never been like this before about anyone else. He says he wouldn’t feel like this if it was another woman and he says he’s not interested in being with any other women. Just feel like he’s talking shit to me.

He doesn't care enough about you to take any notice of your refusal to be part of this fantasy.

Original poster
randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 15:15

I get that there’s no other option in this (so-called) relationship for me. I just want things how they used to be, I want him to feel about me how I feel about him. But I know I can’t control how he thinks and feels. I’ve had a bad breakup before him and I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through another one. Just wish he got me.

OP posts:
Softcream · 15/08/2026 15:24

randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 14:50

Yes, work full time, joint mortgage. I do love him but don’t want things to be the way they are. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and it just ends in a row and it can go too far. Would anyone else feel like me about this? Would you believe him?

It doesn't really matter whether you believe him or not. It may be true but it's still rubbish and unfulfilling for you.

Anon8642 · 15/08/2026 15:24

Try leaving. Get support from Women's Aid and other women. You'll find you're stronger than you believe right now, especially when you're not being coerced anymore.

Saramur · 15/08/2026 15:25

You are strong enough.

Charlize43 · 15/08/2026 15:30

I'd get out.

I knew a women whose husband kept pestering her to have a threesome with another man. I don't know the full ins and outs but they are divorced now and her husband has come out.

Maybe the cuck fantasy has elements of latent homosexuality?

VestibuleWeaver · 15/08/2026 15:33

randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 15:15

I get that there’s no other option in this (so-called) relationship for me. I just want things how they used to be, I want him to feel about me how I feel about him. But I know I can’t control how he thinks and feels. I’ve had a bad breakup before him and I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through another one. Just wish he got me.

A previous breakup is not an excuse to stay in this terrible relationship.

Palomiino · 15/08/2026 15:35

LoveThemToVits · 15/08/2026 14:48

Sounds like he's not that into you.

When does what you want matter?

I don’t think it’s that. It’s because he has a massive kink (likely from childhood) which stops him treating his partner with the respect she deserves.

My ex was like this. He was actually entertaining the idea of ruining his relationship with his brother and sister in law by telling his brother he wanted him to have sex with me and his watch. Utter madness.

momager22 · 15/08/2026 15:36

I’m so sorry op. Don’t let him control you like this. Hes a weird perv with a weird kink and it’s ok not to go along with it.
id be wondering whah he’s getting up to behind your back too.

ginasevern · 15/08/2026 15:37

randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 15:06

I’ve wondered that myself, whether he’s too weak to end the relationship. I’ve asked him, he said no not at all said he wants to be with me just can’t get the thought out of his head

That's because you're a ready made sex doll at the moment. He'd have to find someone else to play his seedy game on a regular basis and that takes time and effort with no guarantees. This fetish is on the rise, there was a similar thread just the other day from another poster. Her DH was saying the same thing too, that it was because he fancied her so much. It's probably (like most other things) a result of porn. But either way, he isn't going to change and he'll probably get worse. So you need to leave for the sake of your dignity and sanity OP. You certainly aren't loved.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/08/2026 15:43

randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 14:46

He tries to tell me he’s only like this because of how much he apparently fancies me and he’s never been like this before about anyone else. He says he wouldn’t feel like this if it was another woman and he says he’s not interested in being with any other women. Just feel like he’s talking shit to me.

He's a liar as well as a fetishist. For me this doesn't come too far away from "I only hit you because I love you so much that your behaviour makes me...."

Original poster
randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 15:46

Thank you for everyone’s perspectives on this … it’s not something I can talk to real life people about. It’s embarrassing

OP posts:
NoisyUmberBalonz · 15/08/2026 15:53

Christ so many men are so grim and degrading. Surely better to be single than having this vile onslaught?

Heretohelp1111 · 15/08/2026 16:17

Does he think his behaviour is problematic? Do you think he’s got any feelings of shame about it?

Original poster
randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 16:23

He does get embarrassed about it, tends to only text about it not talk in person - unless he’s been drinking

OP posts:
AnitaCam · 15/08/2026 16:31

keeping This secret, is keeping you stuck.

Maray1967 · 15/08/2026 16:31

Tell him he needs to get therapy and get it out of his head. I’d be setting ultimatums that I’m fully prepared to see through, if I were you. One more mention of this and it’s divorce.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2026 16:34

randomanon2 · 15/08/2026 14:50

Yes, work full time, joint mortgage. I do love him but don’t want things to be the way they are. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and it just ends in a row and it can go too far. Would anyone else feel like me about this? Would you believe him?

What do you mean 'it can go too far'? Go too far how? Does he get 'physical' or verbally abusive?

The fetish is the primary reason to GTFO. But this 'going too far' may be a close second.

mashpatooties · 15/08/2026 16:42

You spelled ex-partner wrong.