Partner doesn’t seem interested in me unless we talk about me having sex with other men

[randomanon2]

I am F (45) and my partner M (39), only pays me any attention or affection when we talk about his fetish. He wants me to sleep with other men and even fall in love with them! We have been together for 15 years and have children. He never shows any affection and we just have a relationship where it feels like we’re friends. I don’t want this, I have spoken to him about it and he tells me it’s because he fancies me so much and it turns him on, the thought of him being jealous. I just don’t feel happy or content in a relationship which solely seems to rely on his fetishes. How would others feel about this? Thanks.

Of course he doesn't love you. If he loved you, you would know it. You would see it in his actions, you would hear it in his words, you would feel it in his embrace.

This man is just obsessed with his fetish. That's it. And it will never change. It's been a decade - have you seen change or is he still fixed on the same fetish?

He might, in his way. But how loving is it to want someone to have sex with other people when she doesn’t want to? How loving is it to talk about it, as the only way to relate to you? Not very, imo.

If this was food, and he was pressuring you to eat food you didn’t like, refusing to share a meal unless you ate that food…
Of he was pushing you to drink alcohol despite knowing you were avoiding alcohol…
Trying to get you to go sky diving when you had no desire to…

It smacks of someone who just isn’t interested in the way you experience life, your preferences, hopes and dreams. He’s only interested in his own sad fetish- which he’s undoubtedly fuelling with porn.

Absolute bollocks. Unless he's perfect in every other way start to get yourself together and prepare to part company.

You've probably heard the phrase "Nothing changes until something changes".
He's going to go on and on about it.
Change something.
Leave the relationship.

That sounds horrible. Have you ever done this for him? I would not stay with someone who wanted this.

He certainly doesn't love you enough.

Weirdly, this is the second thread where I've talked about this in a week.

I'm a man with this fetish. I like the idea of watching DP have sex with other men.

It's something I did with a couple of (very casual) previous partners, and it was hot, and a turn on, and fun.

It came up in conversation about a year into DP and I's relationship, as part of a larger conversation around kinks. I asked if she'd ever be into it, she said "Not a fucking chance" and so I've not mentioned it to her in the 2 decades since. She's brought it up once in that time, as we were watching a TV show that involved it.

That's it. In nearly 20 years, we've talked about it a grand total of twice. I've never suggested she do it, never pressured her, or nagged her. We have a frequent and fulfilling sex life that has nothing to do with a minor kink I have.

That it the very minimum you should be expecting from your husband @randomanon2 , because if you love someone, you should respect their boundaries. Hell, you should do that for anyone, let alone the person you supposedly love most in the world.

Maybe he does love you. But he loves the fetish more, and he see's you as an object to fulfill that fetish, rather than a human being in your own right.

See a solicitor.

Make plans to end this "relationship".

He has stopped seeing you as a real living human with your own thoughts, feelings, preferences, and reality. You are nothing to him but a blank screen on which to project his fantasy.

In order to love you he would have to see you as a real human being.

He does not see you as a real human being, so no, he does not love you or even like you. He does not respect you or acknowledge your reality. He has completely stopped seeing you for what and who you are. You're a domestic convenience for him and an entity onto which he can project his fantasy.

He is not involved in a relationship with you. He is in a relationship with his own fantasy.

My kids dad ended up like this, wanted me to talk on the phone and tell him about my exes from years ago and even asked me to make stuff up for him to listen to. I swear it caused me so much trauma. He even at a point told me he had arranged for me to sleep with someone while he watched. Splitting with him was the best thing I ever did. Definitely some mental health issues

How would you define love - respect, loyalty, attachment, attraction, caring, liking you as a person, wishing the best for you, putting you before all others?

Is this any of those?

He may think or say he loves you, but if he loved you he would never mention this again once he knew how much you hated the idea.

I couldn’t live like this. I just couldn’t. I’d have to end it.

I would say he doesn't. That's not how someone who loves you behaves. He loves his fetish, it is more important to hi than you. He also sounds coercive. It doesn't seem as if he has any interest in changing.

Are you prepared to live like this forever? It is also a terrible example for your children. They will grow up thinking this is what a relationship is. Please think carefully about whether staying is the right course of action (although I suspect you know it isn't).

Some kinks I’d be fine with. This one would be in the red flag list though.

It’s like they view you as property and not an individual. Plus with all the publicity about this sort of thing lately, men drugging their partners etc…it’s not safe, he’s not safe. I’d be out as fast as my legs could carry me tbh.

This must be really painful for you, but hoping things will change after 9 years is a bit of a lost cause. I hear you say you’ve had a painful break up before, but you’re in emotional pain right now, with a man who doesn’t show you affection or respect your boundaries. It’s immaterial whether or not he loves you, your day to day life is miserable. You deserve better, there’s a life waiting for you where you could be with someone with whom you could have a mutual, loving relationship, emotionally and sexually. If you leave that becomes a possibility.

He's pornsick and addicted to his fantasy at the expense of seeing you a whole, human person.
He doesn't love you the way you need or want to be loved. Isn't that enough? He may find you comfortable, but he isn't affectionate at all, so he's not even being friendly really. Just a perverted leech in your house chatting nonsense to you about a fetish he wants to force you into, and hasn't stopped banging on a out for near enough a decade.. you deserve better, how can you grow old with him being lecherous and bringing you no companionship? No holding hands or kisses on cheek or enjoying life you've built :/

Draw strength into yourself and maybe snoop on his devices/browsing history to further get the ick and strength to end it.
If you have further willpower and he has asssets is it worth pushing for marriage? So you can be entitled to more if you ever made work sacrifices for him etc? Something to think about

Who knows? It certainly wouldn't be a healthy and honest kind of love and that's the only love worth having.

Here are a couple of things I've learnt over my long life;

1-Sometimes love is just not enough.

2- You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean they are healthy or right for you.

Both apply to your situation. Whatever 'love' there is is not enough to compensate for the way he's treating you. And you may love him to distraction but he certainly isn't healthy for you.

Ugh he sounds vile, sorry. Have some respect for yourself & dump the creep. Find someone normal & caring.

If this is his version of 'love' then do yourself a favour and bin the prick, pronto.
He spouting a load of bs to coerce you and personally I wouldn't trust him at all.
I bet if you looked at his search history you'd find some pretty fucked up stuff too, the cuck thing is probably the tip of the iceberg. Sorry op.

Yes he's definitely talking shit.

Just read the title of your thread back to yourself and ask why the fuck you’re still with this vile piece of shit.

I don't think he knows HOW to love you. In his head, love and sex are intertwined, and his fetish is so enmeshed with sex that he can only love you in terms of his fetish. So if you were carrying it out, in that moment he would adore you, but as soon as it was over he'd be back to ignoring you.

He doesn't even behave as though he's your friend, let alone loving you. You've become the object through which he stands a chance of carrying out his fetish. You really have to leave.

Mate he’s essentially trying to pimp you out for his own pleasure get away from that man. There’s normal ones you know, trust me. My ex tried to do this to me and I always firmly said no, but I know his former gf who actually did it and it was quite psychically damaging for her. She’s a good friend now which is nice but oh my god I’m so glad I stood my ground.

Ugh what is wrong with men??

I don’t get how you can be with someone who’s acted like this for 9 years and say you love him. You love an old version of him, and honestly, I dont think that version is coming back. What exactly would you be losing by leaving him? Not a lot I would guess, but you’ll certainly be gaining plenty.

Yes, he no longer loves you. Someone only showing love and affection to get sex in the way they want isnt true love.