Partner doesn’t seem interested in me unless we talk about me having sex with other men

[randomanon2]

I am F (45) and my partner M (39), only pays me any attention or affection when we talk about his fetish. He wants me to sleep with other men and even fall in love with them! We have been together for 15 years and have children. He never shows any affection and we just have a relationship where it feels like we’re friends. I don’t want this, I have spoken to him about it and he tells me it’s because he fancies me so much and it turns him on, the thought of him being jealous. I just don’t feel happy or content in a relationship which solely seems to rely on his fetishes. How would others feel about this? Thanks.

So how a man says he loves you and adores you and then want to see you having sex with other men ( agains your will )? That’s not love, no one likes to “share” their loved one.

The single best thing you could do about this is talk to someone in real life you really trust. Keeping it to yourself is just letting the years pass by whilst you wish things were 'like they used to be'.

That's because he is talking shit to you, OP. Whatever he says about his supposed feelings for you, it's not backed by his disrespectful and unloving actions. You aren't taken in by his excuses, because it's his behaviour that's affecting you. He's not interested in you as a human being, much less in giving you pleasure -- you're just a prop in his porno-fantasy.

I had a boyfriend like this many years ago, who was equally mean and selfish in other ways. I soon got very bored with his fetish, and he was useless in bed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would try telling him clearly that you dislike his fantasy and you want a normal, loving sex life. Maybe counselling would help, but I'm not optimistic. You don't want to spend the rest of your life like this, and I don't think men who are obsessed by a sex fetish ever go back to normal.

Best of luck, OP.

If he is embarrassed then that would suggest he knows it’s problematic. Tell him you’re deeply unhappy that he can only get sexual gratification from a fetish and not a loving relationship and that he must seek therapy.

I’d feel like I’d need to leave! He’s showing you total disrespect.

Like other pp I wonder what you mean by ‘goes too far’.

Look, some people are into this sort of thing and it doesn’t have to be abusive or coercive - it just quite often is. This situation is no good. Tbh if anyone else was texting you sexual shit you don’t like, you’d block them.

You’re right, he’s talking shit to you but throwing in a few sweeteners to make it look like you’re unique somehow.

Honestly, do yourself a favour and get rid of him. He’s not a decent bloke.

This is awful OP he is not even seeing you in a loving way just an aid to his fetish. Does he view a lot of porn. Although I usually think mumsnetters are too quick to say LTB I would agree unless he is willing to see a couples counseller.

He sounds awful. I simply don't understand why you've put up with this for such a long time.

You don't sound remotely like friends. Friends don't ignore eachother unless they are coercing them into fetishistic sex acts they have no interest in.

What is the reason for you to continue this?

LTB

I know this is going to sound like a silly question and like I’m thick, but is the consensus that he actually doesn’t love me?

That’s such a giant red flag. Like, r*pe academy level. This is not normal. He’s nice to manipulate you into performing for him. Incredibly worrying and there’s no way I would stay.

I think the consensus is that he is exhibiting some very worrying behaviour. He cares more about his sick fantasy than you. So, no, he does not respect you and so of course he does not love you.

Repulsive and selfish. Look after yourself

LTB

I would be completely grossed out by this warped way of thinking. Having been through similar (ex with a pregnancy fetish) - I would just end the relationship and not ever go through this again.

Bottom line is what drives him sexually doesn't align with your (normal) relationship expectations and you're not happy. And in my experience, these weird fetishes don't disappear, they can't function like normal people.

He's not ever going to be the affectionate husband that you need and deserve and I couldn't get past the wanting me to be with other men regardless of the reasoning. That shows a distinct lack of care for your own needs and well being and proves that his fantasy is more important to him than the reality of loving his wife and what that truly means.

I walked from my marriage while I had two young children. I won't tolerate that.

Sounds like he is only interested in you to fulfill his sexual desires because you said he doesn't take any notice at other times. His version of loving sounds a bit distorted. Have a straight conversation with him and don't accept any of his ridiculous explanations for his behaviour.

If he loved you, would he have badgered you for 9 YEARS to have sex with other men when you don't want to? That is not love!

I think it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t love you. He loves his sexual fetish and the idea that you might facilitate it. Honestly what a waste of life with this loser. You could be with someone who actually loves and respects you.

Quite apart from anything else, you are obviously not compatible as a couple. So you should get out of this relationship in the best way for you.

Does he act in a loving way?

Is he affectionate, considerate, thoughtful, kind to you and respect your sexual boundaries? No
Does he try to coerce you into performing in his sexual fetish? Yes

What does that tell you.

In any case, love is not the deciding factor in whether you stay with him. You can live someone and it not be a healthy relationship for you. You aren't happy. You've tried.

Do you want to spend another 40 years living like this? That's the question.

Who knows? It’s irrelevant, anyway.

That's not the question you need to be asking, is it?

The real question is the one you need to ask yourself.

Does he ever express an interest in your needs and wants or is everything about him?

Agreed, this has manipulative vibes, doesn't sound like a loving, respectful husband. If you mean he's withholding affection unless his fetish is indulged, verbally or otherwise, then it sounds like red flags really overall.