DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

Yep, there was a recent thread by a woman who was really unhappy about mismatched sex drives, felt like it was draining her self-worth and was falling into emotionally blackmailing behaviours over it.

She was told to leave.

You can’t compel someone to have sex with you. OP’s husbands constant pushing is creepy. Making her have sex will damage their relationship as it is forced. It’s coercion.

Not having sex won’t kill you. A solid relationship is built on more. I’m kind of worried by the amount of people who’d jump ship if they weren’t getting a small part of a relationship. Things happen. You aren’t always going to want to sleep with people.

Please look back over the rest of the thread. There's plenty of people for whom sex is a crucial part of a romantic relationship, and it's not for you to judge that.

He's not "making" her have sex. We know this, because OP is not having sex with him.

Sex can be a big part of a relationship, particularly when people are younger. It's what separates romantic relationships from friendships. Surely someone as evolved as yourself can comprehend that?

No one is saying it's not normal. Men can go off sex too, although probably less frequently. What they are saying is that no one has to remain in a sexless, or near-sexless relationship/marriage, if they don't want to.

I know a man whose sex life ended on the operating table. It was difficult for both partners for some years but now they're much older it seems less important.

But if you're young I think it's understandable that you can't face a life of celibacy.

Well in your case it doesn’t matter since you don’t want to dtd

Honestly you are taking the man for granted

You seem rather confident there, with your kids and your nice life - but this is why men have affairs!

If you want a marriage then understand it’s normal to have the expectation of sexual intimacy on some level

If you want to be mates - then ask him to co parent only and allow him to go and have sex elsewhere

No-one is saying coercive behaviour is OK or that having sex you don't want is OK.

But sex is an important part of a relationship for a lot of people and it's a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship if a dead bedroom can't be resolved.

There has to be some way to discuss lack of sex without it immediately being coercive.

Peaks and troughs in sex during a couple's long term relationship are worth working through. But if you have vastly different sex drives, then it's a fundamental incompatibility.

“Of all the things to end it over”

But what we’ve established through numerous comments on this thread (and many others) is that physical intimacy is a hugely important part of life/relationships for many people; a fundamental need for their happiness & wellbeing. It can be hard for someone to relate to that if they are wired differently, but that doesn’t make it trivial. Of course it would be sad if their marriage ended. It would also be sad if her husband spent the best part of his life feeling unwanted, rejected and unfulfilled.

I would end my relationship if my partner stopped having sex with me. It’s too important a part of my life to forego it. It would be horrible lying next to my partner and knowing kisses and cuddles would be rejected as they didn’t want sex. It’s more than sex, it’s intimacy and vulnerability and something special between two people, it’s a way to give and receive love in a sometimes really intense way. We are a couple that have had sex at times of bereavements, family illness and other stressful times, it’s our way to connect, release stress and show up for each other. I absolutely love my partners wandering hands and if we are home alone I make sure I wear tight dresses because I know he loves it ( I love it too as I feel sexy). It makes people feel alive.

yes, and these are different and sad circumstances, the difference is that this couple, from what you say, still love, cherish, desire each other and no doubt find ways to show each other how special and important they are, through physical contact and kind words. OP finds the thought of any intimacy whatsoever with her DH as disgusting. thats a very different situation to be in.

Do you enjoy sex when you do have it. Like have an orgasm?

Maybe if you enjoy it more you will be more keen to have it more often.

I know you can’t at the moment but maybe when you can you need a dirty weekend away to discover and explore each other a bit, maybe with a few wines so you can let go a bit and not worry about logistics so much.
Then you won’t be thinking about kids etc.

Also, re the coil, I am on my second copper coil and it’s fine. I prefer it to the hormone ones as very little side effects for me and whilst I am not sure it’s true for everyone who has one, it actually enhances my orgasms.

I tried the other kind and swapped around a bit but settled with copper one.

We go through the odd dry spell but time just the two of us normally sorts us out

The OP and her husband aren't sick though

As a lot of this is probably related to upbringing would you consider sex therapy? Having small children is exhausting and you have a baby. Somehow you both need to compromise. Maybe start with just dating and making more time for you both as a couple. He needs to stop the guilt trips though you have a young baby.

Some of the comments on this post are baffling! You’re 10 weeks PP and have three children! This is a season, for a lot of couples it’s the roommate season. It will pass. I admit I don’t think your husband is going about it in the right way, sulking, guilt tripping and yes a bit coercive but maybe he’s just not that good at communicating. At the moment sex just feels like another chore to get through on top of everything else you’re trying to accomplish in a day. If you are both in it for the long haul (and it sounds like you are from your pov) then work on connection. You can reassure him without giving in to him. Taking sex off the table for a short while may manage his expectations and give you the freedom to be affectionate without worrying where it might lead. Work on communication and connection first and the intimacy will follow/recover. You’re different people now, you need to get to know each other again. If he does struggle with communication then maybe talking to a professional may help you navigate this.

Yes, we get that you think sex is a small part of a relationship. However, for most people it is the defining difference between spousal relationships and other relationships.

And please don't bother repeating your straw man again and again and again. Not a single person in this thread has ever said he should be able to make her have sex with him.

Have you read the OP? She says she’d quite happily never have sex again. This isn’t a temporary blip. This is forever.

OP, you are not compatible. You want your husband to love you enough as a person, that you not wanting sex with him shouldn't be a thing. HE wants you to love him enough, so that your aversion to sex, doesn't impact you wanting to have sex with him. You want him to love you so much that sex is insignificant. He wants you to love him so much that you want to have sex with him. It is what it is.

I'd say though, that you are incredibly naive to think he would not seek sexual validation from elsewhere. He will.

Op - he WILL look elsewhere the question is when. A man wakes up one day and think fuck this. I dont want a miserable life. Not for anyone. I've seen it happen. To women like you. It's shit but it happens . Deal with it and make a plan or face the consequences years from now. It starts from a women paying him attention. Listening. He confides in her. They start an emotional relationship without sex as she gets him. Then....she gets him. And it's not wrong. No one should be miserable forever. If that make him selfish It also makes u selfish. No one is wrong. But incompatible? Definitely

What are your vital needs in your marriage? Healthy communication? Honesty? Humour? Imagine a world where your husband is perfectly capable of giving that to you, but decides not to. You express that need to him, but he shoots you down. He could do something about it, but he’d rather you just put up with it and remain unhappy. How would you feel?

10 weeks PP isn’t the best time to be trying to reignite your sex life, but if I were you, I’d tell my husband that I hear him, I appreciate him, and I will make an effort to address my libido once I’ve recovered.

If the best case scenario is him sucking it up and being unhappy for a number of years, that’s frankly a bad place for your marriage to be in.

Needed!

I’d like to think most people think there is more to defining a spousal relationship than just sex.

But by threatening that he may leave if she doesn’t have sex, that’s coercion .

That’s you. It doesn’t mean everyone has to agree with you as some people value sex highly in their relationship and this doesn’t make them anyless evolved as a person than you.

And the OP also knew her husband valued sex so she could also have had some agency over her own life and said no to the relationship.

But Op isn’t bothered by the sex- OPs husband is. It’s for him to decide to leave if that wasn’t okay. Not to pester because he’s not getting it.