Am I overreacting to this note from my husband's colleague?

[ElizaD81]

A year and a half ago a (married) woman joined the company my DH works at. They quickly struck up a close friendship. It made me a bit uneasy but I tried to ignore it. I trust him and he’s never shown me any reason not to.
Yesterday I was washing some winter coats and I found a little note she had written to him. It was about a page long and said ‘you brighten my day whenever I’m with you’ and ‘our coffees together are the nicest part of my day’ ‘I’m so glad to have met you XX’.
I asked him about this and he brushed it off. ‘She’s just a friend and I’m being old fashioned’. We’ve always both been relaxed about our friends of the opposite sex but this feels different and in truth it’s really playing on my mind and unsettling me. I’ve told him this but he shrugs it off.
We’ve been together for 18 pretty happy years. I’ve been hurt a long time ago in a previous relationship so worried I’m projecting this. This note has really worried me. Just don’t know what to think!

They quickly struck up a close friendship
Close friendships take time to develop. That they became close almost immediately would imply a definite attraction between them. If they were new colleagues their closeness is not explained by continually working together. And as a married man he really was overstepping the boundaries of his marriage by initiating a close friendship with another woman.

They are having coffee dates together and she is sending him romantic notes. Very much emotional affair territory even if it isn't yet physical. And he is going down the usual route of down playing their relationship and turning the blame on to you for quite rightly being unhappy with his inappropriate relationship with another woman.

What you do about it is the problem though. So long as he is working with this woman she will always be the third person in your marriage. And if he refuses to take your concerns seriously then basically it leaves you with the choice of sitting on the sidelines and watching their relationship progress or leaving them to it and ending the marriage.

He’s downplaying it which would make me more suspicious. The note itself is clearly inappropriate but his reaction says he knows and is hoping he’ll get away with it.

Er that would ring alarm.bells for me. That is cosy and intimate not friendly

If they were both single that would be openly flirting wouldnt it ???

Trust your instinct.

I'd invite her and her partner out/around for dinner. Behaviour during that would tell me if I needed to be worried or not.

I'm inclined to agree with others.

Especially this Close friendships take time to develop. That they became close almost immediately would imply a definite attraction between them and this That is cosy and intimate not friendly.

I have a close male friend who started off as a colleague. We used to go for lunch together, he's been to my house for social things and we go out sometimes together. He now knows my partner and considers him a friend too. But neither of us would ever have written the other message like that. And I'm pretty sure it would have been a problem for the other if either of us had!

I would certainly be uncomfortable if a male friend wrote me something like that because its not the sort of note friends write.

Suggest he invites them to meet you for drinks or something socially and see how he responds to that.

She's sent him a love note, and he kept it and didn't show it to you. So my take is that she's offering and he's considering.

Yes, the fact that he's pretending it's you with the problem is the red flag. The only appropriate response to getting a message like that is leave it out Joan I'm married and so are you.

Plus who's sending hand written notes to friends and why did he keep it?

Exactly this. ⬆️

When did he last wear this winter coat? Presumably several months ago (if you’re in the UK) so assuming the note dates from when he last wore it and he forgot it was there, I would wonder what’s been happening in the meantime.

I’ve no issues with close working relationships- I have loads and loads of male friends in and out of work.
i would never write a note or text saying those things to anyone - unless I was on a fishing trip, he’s accepted it and ‘treasured it’ to a degree.

I’d be secretly all over that like a rash. Has his job become more intense? Longer hours and more overnights? If it’s not yet, I suspect it will soon.
has he started to take better care of himself?

He’s minimising.

He didn’t show you the note, or even mention it to you. Why would he not?

You said it initially made you uneasy. Trust your instinct.
🚩

He said he didn’t show me because he didn’t see any reason too and it was all innocent, just a nice note.
I’m now thinking how her husband would feel knowing his wife not only thought those things about another man but had taken the time to write and send them. I’d be really hurt.

I would want a second conversation about what is appropriate and what is crossing a line because if he thinks a hand written note like that is appropriate you clearly are in different positions. I’d question how comfortable he would be with a note like that from a man. Dont let him dismiss you have a conversation.

Absolutely not ok! I can’t help feeling queasy at the thought that I’d receive a note like that and not feel immediately ick’d out and want to inform my husband of a potential crush situation. I certainly wouldn’t be hiding it in my pocket and down playing it. What’s his other behaviour like? Phone use? Behaviour with you etc?

Honestly, if I revcieved a note like that, the first thing I'd want to do would be show DP so we could have a giggle at the ridiculousness of it.

That might not be very kind, but our loyalty and responsibility is to each other not to a work "friend".

So he would be ok if the situation was reversed? Maybe he doesn’t want to see the reason he should show you.
Like I said, I personally believe he is minimising.

He kept it for a reason and kept it from you for a reason 💐

The fact that she's taken the trouble to write all that down and give it to him certainly says that she has feelings towards your husband. She may be "just a friend" in his mind but clearly not in hers.

I think you need to point that out to him and suggest to him that, for his own sake, he dial right back - stop the cosy coffees, talk to her only when necessary and limit conversation strictly to the bare minimum of what is needed for work purposes. Otherwise he will not only be causing problems with you, he is likely to start having problems at work, too, as other people will notice the relationship also and start drawing unfavourable conclusions.

Absolutely 100% this.

The very fact he kept it and hid it.

Then the fact that you confronted it and he minimised your feelings.

I remember being a young child and my aunty funding similar in her husbands coat pocket. Blew their whole family up, it was the discovery of an affair.

So sorry OP. Even if there is nothing going on he has shown where his priorities lie

i bet he wouldn’t consider it just a nice note if you had written it to a male colleague. I also bet he wouldn’t have kept it hidden in his pocket if it had been written by a male colleague either. Your instincts are right OP

Its old fashioned to not like women openly flirting with your husband now?!

I have quite a few male friends and colleagues who I am friends with. I would never write a note like this - it is disrespectful and would also make me wonder what my DH had been saying to her. YANBU for being concerned.

A page long! That’s one serious note.

Possibly he received it, stuffed it in his coat, and forgot about it. However, I’d want full disclosure. Are they still meeting for coffee etc.? Has she written any more notes, or was that just one foolish note? Do they communicate outside work? What are the messages like if so?

I’d be hurt (and in tears) if I found that note.

I just can't see why a grown adult would write such a soppy note to a colleague. It sounds like something a love sick year seven would write to his crush from the maths lesson.

And she's married? Great.

No grown man (or woman!) is entertaining a soppy handwritten teenager style love note from another adult unless they fancy them. They're certainly not keeping it and carrying it around in their coat, then minimising it when their spouse asks about it.

I'm sorry OP, if there's not something going on there already then I would say they both want there to be.

I used to get notes from men at work but they were gay and the notes were usually jokes or silliness that the rest of the office and women also joined in on. I'd do the same to them. The notes would be literal post-it notes or stupid fake newspaper reports or missing posters about silly office based dramas (like the phantom pooer - there were floaters left in a certain toilet several times) or a joke about someone finding a leek (because they misspelled leak) with a photoshopped image of them with a giant vegetable near the wet floor sign. That kind of level of note.

I wouldn't have minded my husband reading any or all of those notes.

The note you've found sounds very different and very sincere.

The most optimistic take is that she's a bit of a whimsical romantic who writes letters to friends. The most pessimistic take is that she wants to shag your man or already has.

I like the idea of arranging a meal out with you, your DH, this woman and her DH. You might get a better handle on their friendship and her character that way.

I also want your DH to hear from you something like "please don't brush this off, this letter has really shaken me and I'm worried that there is something going on between you two, or that it's one sided and you've not noticed".