Am I overreacting to this note from my husband's colleague?

[ElizaD81]

A year and a half ago a (married) woman joined the company my DH works at. They quickly struck up a close friendship. It made me a bit uneasy but I tried to ignore it. I trust him and he’s never shown me any reason not to.
Yesterday I was washing some winter coats and I found a little note she had written to him. It was about a page long and said ‘you brighten my day whenever I’m with you’ and ‘our coffees together are the nicest part of my day’ ‘I’m so glad to have met you XX’.
I asked him about this and he brushed it off. ‘She’s just a friend and I’m being old fashioned’. We’ve always both been relaxed about our friends of the opposite sex but this feels different and in truth it’s really playing on my mind and unsettling me. I’ve told him this but he shrugs it off.
We’ve been together for 18 pretty happy years. I’ve been hurt a long time ago in a previous relationship so worried I’m projecting this. This note has really worried me. Just don’t know what to think!

This is a wildly inappropriate note to a married man. The fact your husband is downplaying it rather than recognising it for the inappropriate message that it is is alarming in itself.

Male / female friendships are not odd. This note is odd.

If he is sure the relationship and note "is nothing" then ask him what this woman's husband would think if you sent it into him. It doesn't sound like the relationship has fully developed but it easily could.

Let's do the Pulp Fiction foot massage test (IYKYK).

When did you last write a handwritten note to a female friend saying how much you value their friendship and enjoy their company?

You have your answer. It's massively inappropriate.

She may not know he's married. You may have been strategically "disappeared", from his interaction with her at work.
It's not the bold move others are suggesting, it's not the sort of thing you'd say if you knew someone was happily married.
At best your husband has told her "my marriage is breaking down" and at worst he has implied he is single.
She's not the problem here. You have a DH problem.

Exactly. I have friends of both genders. I do not send any of them cute little handwritten notes.

He hid his love note because he knew it would give the game away, but at the same time adored it so much he couldn't bear to throw it away.

You must send a pic of it to her husband. Do it today.

After all, if it's no big deal and just a friendly little note neither of them have any reason at all for complaint.

And if it is proof they're cheating (and it is) her husband has a right to know he's married to a lying cheat.

Please also get yourself checked for STDs before calling a laywer.

I am sorry he has chosen to cheat on you. Do not let him run the script or say a single word to try to blame you. And make sure you let everyone know the reason you're divorcing him is that he cheated on you.

Yes this.

Unless he came up with better than - you are overreacting - I’d be packing him a suitcase.

Did you take a shot of it?
Her husband won't mind if he is sent it then.
If it's so innocent?
I know my husband would be just thrilled to learn that I was giving notes to a new colleague of 18 months.

My husband would be deliriously happy to know that the "happiest part of my day" was sharing coffee with this new colleague.

Your husband is a lying bullshitter that is gaslighting you.

Trust your gut.
I wouldn't trust someone who bullshitted me like that as far as I'd throw him and I would be telling him that.

I hope you have support OP in real life.

You are no longer a team IMO, so protect yourself.
Tell family and close friends what is going on.

Also get ahead by getting your ducks inna row.
I'm so sorry.

You are absolutely not overreacting! I work with lots of men and have worked with lots of men throughout my career (I'm in my 50s) and have never once thought to write a note like that for a male colleague!! It is totally inappropriate, unprofessional and unnecessary.

How is their relationship now? Presumably that note was written some time ago. I would be keeping a close eye & ear on this relationship now OP.

Oh come on, would you ever send a note like that to a work colleague?? I've had friendships with male colleagues and gone for lunch together etc, not once would I ever have considered sending any of them a note like that!

You feel uneasy about this with good reason. Trust your gut instinct, it's rarely wrong. He is not being honest with you.

If I found that note I would be devastated. It is not a "sweet innocent note" in my humble opinion.

When I met my husband he had a female friend, in fact he had lots of female friends (still does!).

One of them, let's call her Julie was doing online dating etc and I don't believe that either of them fancied each other or anything like that. They had been friends for a long time before I came along and I suppose if they liked each other they would have got together before me coming on the scene.

However, I did borrow his phone once when a whatsapp message from her came up. It said something along the lines of "Do you fancy doing a strip tease for so and so's hen do" and then something along the lines of him wearing a tool belt whilst doing DIY naked. It was many many years ago so I can't remember exactly what was said but that's the gist of it.

I basically said how would he feel if a male friend of mine was sending those types of flirtatious messages to me. And told him to tell her to stop as I found it very disrespectful. He did tell her and their friendship slowly fizzled out (as did her friendships with a lot of other people in the group).

It's not quite the same theme I know but not dissimilar and you are quite right to be upset and hurt. I know I would be.

Hi op why would any colleague need to write a note to tell your dh how happy he makes her. Sorry but potential affair or emotional affair but not normal behaviour. I take it he’s never told you they spend lots of time together having coffee and talking about themselves and their relationships highly unlikely. He’s being very disrespectful to you and your feelings I’m sure he would feel exactly the same if he found a note from a male. Time to look at his phone and emails and any apps he might have.

Im afraid hes gaslighting you making you think you are overreacting and that this kind of thing is perfectly normal. Its not. AT ALL..

I cant see it either. Apart from when it's one of those made up scenarios on Bored Panda. I see things like that all the time on there. And increasingly on here. But in real life? Not so much.

You've got us stumped OP. It's a worrying one for sure, a grown woman writing infatuated stuff like that and your DH somehow forgetting to throw it in the bin when it was always bound to cause problems if you ever found it. And now you have. What were the chances eh?

No wonder you are so rattled. Did you open an account on MN simply to discuss this worrying development in your marriage, or did you name change for privacy reasons? Why haven't you come back to the thread in hours? Most people are usually itching to see what advice has been dished out, especially when its something as distressing as a female colleague making a play for your husband. Do keep us updated, won't you?

I would definitely say that’s crossing a boundary and I would suspect an affair!

Sorry that is totally weird. I have great male mates but would I write them a note like that? Not in a million years. Very off imo. There's no way that doesn't sound romantic even if it doesn't sound sexual.

I hate to say it, because why would you ever want to, but this is an emotional affair at the very least. Might be physical too. Sorry. Who writes notes like that to a man unless they’re romantically interested or involved with them and who keeps said note, as a married man, unless they’re romantically interested as well.

Go for some casual after work drinks with DH, the woman and her DH. That will tell you something (reassuring or not).

Write on the back on the note "if your day needs brightening get your husband to do it not mine" and put it through her door and see how she likes it

That is absolutely not ok. If my partner got a note like that he would show me straight away. In fact he was getting some flirty messages from a client (hes a PT so its kinda goes with the territory) and he showed me straight away. It was pretty obvious that she was being flirty but he wasnt sure. He would never ever meet up with someone for coffees, or even have private messages without telling me.

I feel so lucky that I never have to worry about nonsense like that. We are both very 'uncool' or 'old fashioned' whatever people want to label it as. Our relationship is way too precious for us to include other people even as friends.

I wouldn't like this either, OP.

Not okay. Trust your instincts. This is emotional affair territory (even if neither of them have realised it and just find it to be a 'special friendship that feels like family'). If he's putting that emotion into her, he's not putting it into you.

Pretty much!

The note feels intimate and like it’s crossing a line, however there are women at my work who leave me notes regularly and so maybe it’s just something that some people do.

We don’t know if she’s been going through a bereavement or difficult time at work and DH has been helping her through it, which is why she felt she needed to write a thank you note.

I don’t think he needed to tell you about it, as it could be completely innocent and so why would it be anything you’d tell your DP about.

I also think the fact that he left it in his pocket and forgot about it may imply that he didn’t really care about it and didn’t see it as a big deal.

I don’t think it in itself is inappropriate but it’s something I’d be keeping my eye on just in case.