Am I overreacting to this note from my husband's colleague?

[ElizaD81]

A year and a half ago a (married) woman joined the company my DH works at. They quickly struck up a close friendship. It made me a bit uneasy but I tried to ignore it. I trust him and he’s never shown me any reason not to.
Yesterday I was washing some winter coats and I found a little note she had written to him. It was about a page long and said ‘you brighten my day whenever I’m with you’ and ‘our coffees together are the nicest part of my day’ ‘I’m so glad to have met you XX’.
I asked him about this and he brushed it off. ‘She’s just a friend and I’m being old fashioned’. We’ve always both been relaxed about our friends of the opposite sex but this feels different and in truth it’s really playing on my mind and unsettling me. I’ve told him this but he shrugs it off.
We’ve been together for 18 pretty happy years. I’ve been hurt a long time ago in a previous relationship so worried I’m projecting this. This note has really worried me. Just don’t know what to think!

To be fair it doesn't sound like he's interested in her if he put the note in a coat pocket and promptly forgot about it.

I think if the feeling was mutual he wouldn't have forgotten about it.

You’re giving the OW a lot of grace here. Heaps of women don’t bat an eyelid at going after married men.

That note is a hell of an HR risk to take, sending it to a colleague.

Unless you were fairly confident you wouldn't be reported.

An 'immediate' close relationship isn't a relationship; it's sexual attraction.

And he kept the note. All this time.

Definitely not ok. You’ll have to
tell him what he’s risking. She’s offering and he’s considering as someone else said. Sorry but at least you found the note. I’d take it seriously. It could just be on her side and he might be flattered but no more. However he needs to realise what he is messing with

My best friend is a straight man. Wouldn’t write anything like that to him, wouldn’t think like that about him.

if your DH would feel uncomfy with a male friend saying it he should recognise your discomfort with a female friend saying it

I have several male friends met through work. The only time I write to them is to the ones now living further away with a note in a card at Christmas addressed to all their family from all of mine.
In old-fashioned times, what she has sent would be called a love letter. Your instincts are spot on.

this is a love affair
she wrote him a love note and he kept it

What are you going to do OP? The person who loves you shouldn't make you feel this way. Jealousy and insecurity are awful emotions that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He is deeply hurting you. You need to tell him to stop right now and that he risks losing you if he doesnt make you feel secure again.

My friend found messages like this to her ex, from a colleague. he was having a full blown affair and left her once she confronted him, the messages said you made my day etc etc

I'd suggest all four of you go out to dinner - you two, and the other couple - as sheis obviously an important friend to him. See how he reacts?

This may be nefarious...but I'm of the opinion you should invite them around like others say, to see their body language.

And then... bring up the note in front of them, including with her partner there and tell her flat out that her little love note to your very married spouse has made you extremely uncomfortable.

The risk is that it might upset your spouse, but I'm not sure what you have to lose if he refuses to see the issue. It might be worth approaching him first and asking him to put some professional distance there as you feel uncomfortable.

Oh come on now!! That was a love note, and it meant something to him so he kept it. He's having an affair, or planning to. Blaming you? Pfft

That’s an emotional affair, that note is so inappropriate and the fact he never showed you speaks volumes. Has he written a note back to her? Would he admit it if he had?
I forgave an emotional affair but I think about it regularly and would do things differently if I had my time again. I’ll never really get over it I don’t think.

You deserve better, he either makes a commitment and stops cultivating this ‘friendship’ or he’s showing you he’s putting his and her feelings above yours.

So of the coat is from months ago, what has been happening in the meantime?
Do they work on the same team? Work is a hot bed of affairs and shared time together. Look at us working together on a shared goal, inside jokes, dont we work well together/would we work romantically well together? Is he confiding in her rather then you? A shoulder to cry on and a d**k to ride on. I've had the same happen here. Last year, my husband had a married woman at work asking him our for coffee, inviting herself on his dept Christmas do. Telling him her husband and her are just friends and their is no spark there. He did not put this woman in her lane. Did not tell her no and it was not appropriate, as he wanted to people please and he likes the idea of a woman being attracted to him. I found out thru work colleagues and rang her husband! That soon put a stop to one side of the problem but not my husband's behaviour in all of this. We are working thru it but he had to admit his role in it.

So in so laid back I’d be horizontal if need be. I see jealously as a really useless emotion tha I won’t waste my time off

however this would bother me. I wouldn’t be jealous because that’s not me. But for sure would absolutely think this is over the boundaries of a friendship. I wouldn’t write that to a male friend I’m close with at work. Because it’s inappropriate…..

I was writing about being laid back as for me to think something is a hit ‘off’ takes a lot, but that’s defo not ok

FFS I can think of loads of people I’ve worked with whom I’m friendly with and enjoy spending time … if I got such a note I’d be very 😵 … she’s either smitten or it’s inappropriate

you brighten my day whenever I’m with you’ and ‘our coffees together are the nicest part of my day’ ‘I’m so glad to have met you XX’.

That's fishing for more from your husband and he knows it.

Time for him to stop the bullshit and figure out what's his priority here. Get a lawyer consult so you know where you stand if this goes further.

And.... He had kept the note hadn't he? @ElizaD81 Trust your gut and you don't even need to Chechez La Femme, she's right there in plain sight!

Of course it’s bloody inappropriate!
Its never, ever, ever fat bald Dave from accounts is it. It’s never a super close male friend that they get on so so well with.
He knows it’s not acceptable and is playing it down. He needs to make it really clear to her that it’s not on and that their relationship is professional only. If he doesn’t… well tells you a lot doesn’t it. X

That sounds like the kind of note my DH was writing to his work colleague. It was an emotional affair and I'd be amazed if this situation isn't at least that. The fact that your DH is thing to pass it off as "innocent" is the most worrying thing as friends clearly don't write that kind of thing to each other.

One helpful thing I was told is that friends do things together but rarely talk about their relationship. You might thank a friend for their friendship during a particulately difficult patch eg "thanks for being a listening ear when I was made redundant" but apart from something specific like that, friends rarely talk about the friendship itself. Talking about the relationship is something that romantic partners / potential romantic partners do. So comments like "coffee with you is the nicest part of my day", "I'm so glad to have met you" and "you brighten my day" are really big red flags for it being more than just a normal friendship.

I would be asking to go to couples counselling.

🤣

Stop fooling yourself clearly hes already sleeping with her or intends to.. see it for what it is shrugging your question off is your answer sadly

For me its the notes and the kisses. I think saying that to a friend is alright but the note and kisses is not appropriate as he is a married man. It would prompt me to have a very serious conversation its the friendship or me.