Am I overreacting to this note from my husband's colleague?

[ElizaD81]

A year and a half ago a (married) woman joined the company my DH works at. They quickly struck up a close friendship. It made me a bit uneasy but I tried to ignore it. I trust him and he’s never shown me any reason not to.
Yesterday I was washing some winter coats and I found a little note she had written to him. It was about a page long and said ‘you brighten my day whenever I’m with you’ and ‘our coffees together are the nicest part of my day’ ‘I’m so glad to have met you XX’.
I asked him about this and he brushed it off. ‘She’s just a friend and I’m being old fashioned’. We’ve always both been relaxed about our friends of the opposite sex but this feels different and in truth it’s really playing on my mind and unsettling me. I’ve told him this but he shrugs it off.
We’ve been together for 18 pretty happy years. I’ve been hurt a long time ago in a previous relationship so worried I’m projecting this. This note has really worried me. Just don’t know what to think!

Post it back to her with a message: "I think you sent this to my husband. It seems inappropriate to me, so I’m sending it back. It didn’t 'brighten my day' when I accidentally found it. I expect your husband would agree."

I wouldn’t send that note to another female friend as it would look needy and desperate and I certainly wouldn’t send it to a male friend unless I had feelings for them and knew they were reciprocated.
In fact I think that’s a weird note to send anyone who isn’t your husband or partner.

Thats really inappropriate.

Ask him, as he believes this is perfectly normal for friendly colleagues, to show you all the notes he has received from the men he works with. Perhaps they are in his other coat.

As far as MN is concerned, no relationship between a married man and a woman who is not a close blood relation is ever innocent.

Please explain why OP has not been shown this letter, or been told about it. Please do not enable negative behaviour.

I would go mental tbh.

Do you think that letter is appropriate to send to a married man? Do you think it is odd that a married man kept that note in a place where his wife was unlikely to look?

OP how are things now? Does he go away on lots of business trips etc?

This!

The sentiments in that note are not ones you would write in a note to a friend ....
He knows that thats why he didnt mention it.
Trust your gut on this one.

Tbf, he didn't so much keep it as stuff it in a pocket and forget a lbout it. If OP has only just found it in a winter coat it's hardly been cherished and preserved.

Obviously sending love notes like this to someone else's husband isn't OK but I don't think "keeping" it is quite what he's done.

🤣 In what circumstances is this possibly a normal male/female friendship?

So assuming he got the note last winter and remained 'friends: then yes I'd be worried.

If you've noticed a definite stepping back from the friendship then that would indicate that the note made him uncomfortable and he's backed off.
Assuming that isn't the case and he's dismissed it then you're not wrong to be annoyed. The fact he is dismissing it is more worrying.

Brushing it off is worrying.

I once raised a similar issue with my partner when we first met. He had had a lot of female friends, and before me, they regularly used to go to the pub in large groups.

When we still lived near this group, I raised an issue I had with a particular girl as I'd kept being told she had "liked" him for years. Also, at a wedding, she "drunkenly" sat in his lap in front of me.

When I raised it at home, he immediately got annoyed, frowned, said there was absolutely no interest on his end, etc. Totally shut me down. I totally believed him, and yes, I was just being paranoid. That's the sort of response you want.

In my vast experience, brushing it off can be a worry. Not always. But given that she's writing him that sort of note, and I'd say she has feelings for him, I'd be very worried, OP.

It’s obviously totally off of her to write this note and of him to keep it. I can think of maybe one or two very very longstanding female friends I might write to like this if I were going through a horrible time and they’d gone above and beyond. If I wrote it to a bloke I’d known for a year or got it from a bloke I’d known for any amount of time I’d be well aware it was very wrong!!

I’d be thinking about whether there’s other evidence or suspicious behaviour from your husband, before he’s too far on his guard.

Have you met her in person? Id ask him to arrange dinner or something so you could meet her. I think then you will get more of a feel for things. Hopefully its nothing.

Unfortunately I have to agree with most others here they are notes you send to somebody you have feelings for.

You think getting annoyed is the response you want? How about I can see how it looks and will take steps to make sure we don't have the sort of relationship where she's comfortable sitting in my lap?

Take a photo and send it to her husband to get a second opinion on whether it is a nice friendly note or not.

Don't see why he is saying it's old fashioned. There are plenty of people today who think men and women should be segregated/not socialise with the opposite sex/have separate groups, and equally many people in the past who thought it was fine, and good, to have friends that are the opposite sex to you.

This post says it all. He kept the note and didn't tell you about it for one of these reasons. Think about how you feel about each of these reasons and what you can and will do for each possibility. Think about it before having the conversation so that you are not confused and made to feel bad for being "old fashioned". What are your red lines, what are your options if/when they are crossed? Don't be fobbed off, don't bury your head in the sand and don't let him do so either, Don't settle for anything less than being 100% satsified you are fully aware of the true picture.

Indeed.
perhaps he also needs to know about the note.

Yeah I have had a few good friendships with male colleagues. Absolutely no notes whatsoever. And no text messages like that at all either.
‘Wanna go for a coffee and have a moan?’
’Yeah’
After coffee:
‘God it was good to get out for a bit. Sorry for ranting’.
‘Any time, mate. Keeps us sane in this place’.
Not a day brightening phrase or other such nonsense in sight. This note is totally inappropriate and he’s an absolute cockwomble to minimise it and make out it’s you with the problem.

It's just barely possible that it's not flirtation and is just how she is, but it's uncommon and there's no way of telling if she's like this with many colleagues or is singling out your husband for special attention. (Unfortunately, I suspect she's not this way with many of them.) Either way, I'd be uncomfortable with it and want him to cultivate a more professional amount of distance out of respect for me. He can be friendly without allowing things to become overly familiar.

Nah.
Post it to her husband....see how his day has been brightened

The note is spectacularly odd unless your Husband's friend is actually an 11yo girl.

Assuming they are not having a full blown affair it seems as though there is some attraction / connection from her and your partner either shares her feelings or just enjoys the attention. Either way, this is not acceptable behaviour.

I can't believe he tried to pretend that sending a note like this is normal in a friendship 🙄