DH's night terrors are affecting my sleep and I need solutions

[NoMoreBedTime]

DH has night terrors and I have had enough.

He is a wonderful man, seriously, and he hates that he does this but he is so reluctant to have separate beds as he thinks this will be detrimental to our relationship.
But I can't deal with this anymore. He has nightmares that I am being attacked all the time and in his efforts to 'save me' or the kids in his dreams I end up getting lumps knocked out of me in real life.

I have just been woken again by 3 consecutive knees to the back and I am done.

He has been to the drs. They say its a side effect of a medication (but it happened before the meds too) He has been prescribed different things, like something to make him sleep heavier. Nothing works. He's changed the medications that cause it. He has tried many things.

I know what the responses are going to be.

"He isnt a good man if he is hurting you but doesn't want to have separate beds to stop that" and I do get that he is being selfish in that regard and I don't really want to have separate beds either :( but I don't know what else to do.

He spends the night tossing and turning, talking and shouting at people in his dreams.

It's at the point now where I just don't feel safe and if he is 'sleep talking' I can't sleep because I'm waiting for him to lash out :(

If we got separate beds they would have to be singles too as 2 doubles wouldnt fit and neither of us are going to be comfortable in a single bed. Its going to look weird in the room and our sex life will probably go down the pan.

I just don't have any other solution :(

Ive made one upthread ;) clearly you didn't read the full thread.

But the idea of creating some sort of separator is a good one too. Well worth trying.

The idea of split level mattresses was also good.

Start the night off on the same level; when it comes to sleep time, lower his side and raise hers.

If I was attacking my bedmate in the middle of the night I would not share a bed with them any more. Why would I choose to hurt my loved one, even inadvertently, when I could just take myself out of the equation?

He can sleep on a sofa bed, you can get two beds, you can sleep in separate rooms, all while he's receiving therapy for whatever underlying issues are causing this.

Staying in bed to be kicked and bitten is weird and kind of martyrish. Men have killed their wives in similar situations. There are no prizes for suffering, so when are you going to prioritise yourself?

I had EMDR to resolve the CPTSD, which also included violent night terrors.

This needs to be properly assessed in a sleep clinic. Doesn’t seem like a medication issue if he’s swapped them and the problem pre dates the meds anyway.
Being able to move around when dreaming is often the first sign of a neurological disorder. My mum did this and was later diagnosed with Parkinson’s.
Has he noticed any other symptoms- loss of smell for example?
The GP sounds useless- I would see a different doctor and insist on some help.
My husband also acts out dreams - shouts and switches lights on. He has never been violent thankfully

Get a super king, frame and you can put 2 single mattresses on it, and one of those big long pregnancy pillows to put in between you but honestly you probably won’t need that, we have a super king and there is a big gap between me and OH when we both roll over to go sleep.

I know someone who I worked with whose husband had PTSD after serving in the army.

He once tried to strangle her in his sleep too.

It unfortunately ended where he shot her and then shot himself. She survived and he didn't. Weirdly she apparently didn't blame him and thought it was mental health. I thought that was rather forgivng towards someone who tried to kill you. She has been left with disabilities and had to leave the country they lived in. All very sad.

I mean this is extreme obviously.

he is so reluctant to have separate beds as he thinks this will be detrimental to our relationship.

You know what's detrimental to a relationship? Being kicked and bitten in the night and having to sleep with one eye open because you're waiting for it to happen again.

I would say, in this situation, that whatever you need to do in order to make this more tolerable, is what happens. End of story.

Put a camera in the bedroom that runs all night

Pop him in one of those sleep sock things that are essentially a swaddle for an adult. It’s like a giant stretchy sock. They can help trauma victims feel safe from the pressure with the added bonus of him not being able to strike out.

Something like this is worth a try:
https://hugsleep.com/products/sleep-pod-move-adult?variant=40604081029143&country=US&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&nbt=nb%3Aadwords%3Ax%3A21051545483%3A%3A&nb_adtype=pla&nb_kwd=&nb_ti=&nb_mi=135046399&nb_pc=online&nb_pi=shopify_US_6537408053271_40604081029143&nb_ppi=&nb_placement=&nb_li_ms=&nb_lp_ms=&nb_fii=&nb_ap=&nb_mt=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=21051545483&utm_content=&utm_term=&gadid=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=24063728354&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvayL68CblgMVeCGtBh0xKgakEAQYASABEgLPYPD_BwE

Personally I hate single beds. It’s such a shame you haven’t got a spare room.

I would get a spare single duvet and pillow and keep it downstairs in a cupboard, and the minute he’s asleep, I would go downstairs and sleep on the sofa. You could even get a decent sofa bed.

There are always ways!

A ‘wonderful’ husband would take the one, very easy and practical step here - separate beds. Anything else is just noise tbh

Im sure he can’t help it and I’m sure he feels dreadful about it.

but answer this question… if a man knows he’s causing physical and mental harm to his wife by attacking her relatively frequently, but refuses to come up with a proper solution (and he’s clearly practically minded! He can put up stuff in the kitchen within hours!), does that make him a good man?

It doesn’t

right now it’s all about his hurty feelz and he is choosing to hurt you tbh. Yes he can’t ’help it’ but by knowing it happens, it’s now his choice

And those are just the facts

@FaceIt yeah what a great solution that sounds! The moment the OP is attacked, she jumps up and goes elsewhere for the night

🙄

I remember watching a sleep clinic show years ago and there was a man that was keeping his wife awake(like yours) for years and they put him in the sleep clinic to watch what was happening. It turned out he has been faking it and that poor woman had been suffering sleep deprivation for years.