DH's night terrors are affecting my sleep and I need solutions

[NoMoreBedTime]

DH has night terrors and I have had enough.

He is a wonderful man, seriously, and he hates that he does this but he is so reluctant to have separate beds as he thinks this will be detrimental to our relationship.
But I can't deal with this anymore. He has nightmares that I am being attacked all the time and in his efforts to 'save me' or the kids in his dreams I end up getting lumps knocked out of me in real life.

I have just been woken again by 3 consecutive knees to the back and I am done.

He has been to the drs. They say its a side effect of a medication (but it happened before the meds too) He has been prescribed different things, like something to make him sleep heavier. Nothing works. He's changed the medications that cause it. He has tried many things.

I know what the responses are going to be.

"He isnt a good man if he is hurting you but doesn't want to have separate beds to stop that" and I do get that he is being selfish in that regard and I don't really want to have separate beds either :( but I don't know what else to do.

He spends the night tossing and turning, talking and shouting at people in his dreams.

It's at the point now where I just don't feel safe and if he is 'sleep talking' I can't sleep because I'm waiting for him to lash out :(

If we got separate beds they would have to be singles too as 2 doubles wouldnt fit and neither of us are going to be comfortable in a single bed. Its going to look weird in the room and our sex life will probably go down the pan.

I just don't have any other solution :(

The current situation is 'detrimental to your relationship'. Having seperate beds, seperate bedrooms (or even separate houses!) can be beneficial to relationships. You need to be insistent that you can't carry on like this.

I had to have EMDR to resolve mine. It was magical. Three sessions and they disappeared after decades. I suggest he looks into this ASAP

I'm not 100% sure it is because there have been periods where he is unmedicated andnit still happens. The GP says its a side effect but its consistent through all the meds and no meds so i personally don't think it's an absolute.

He has had therapy with a psychiatrist.

You have already put up with a lot more than most and probably more than you should. Something needs to change, it’s not unreasonable.

You had night terrors where you lashed out and it stopped it?

I don't think hypnotherapy would work, don't you have to have a belief in it for that to work? I don't think he would. I tried it once and it did absolutely nothing.

Slow down a bit. You've said that he's switched medication but you also said you don't think the medication is the cause, as he was like this before the meds. So switching is pointless and a red herring.

He hasn't taken any real, effective steps to prevent this. Like separate beds.

I have nightmares too. I don't get violent during them but of course I know it is possible. If my violence led me to hurt my co-sleeping daughter, I would never co sleep with her again. My daughter and I are a similar size and strength differential to you and your partner, as men are larger and stronger than women.

If you love someone, you make sure you don't hurt them or make them afraid of you.

I think people are being harsh on this thread. Bed thing aside, look into EMDR therapy

Swap out the sofa for a sofa bed op so you can make that up and cuddle and watch tv and have separate beds in your bedroom.
remember; the hitting in his sleep is not intentional but the rejecting all suggestions to sleep separately IS. Frankly I’d tell him I am going to murder him with the bedside lamp and if that breaks I’ll just have to beat him to death with my perfume bottle and DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE GOOD FOR OUR MARRIAGE? When he starts his bad for our marriage rubbish.

It's at the point now where I just don't feel safe and if he is 'sleep talking' I can't sleep because I'm waiting for him to lash out

Does he know this? Yes. He does. And he still prioritises sharing a bed.

He may "love" you but I agree with the pp you mocked, it's all very Gothic. Healthy love doesn't depend on "protecting" someone while simultaneously making them terrified of you.

How is the therapy going?

Maybe he is not with the right person op. He should start to feel some relief. I imagine he is dealing with some pretty difficult topics, you will need to be gentle but firm about the changes needed to keep you safe. Assuming he loves you dearly, he will not want to see you harmed, so discuss this with him, that it is not a rejection but it is damaging to you to be attacked in the night.

Is he actually covering his night terrors in therapy? Is he keeping a record of them and exploring the fear that is coming up subconsciously. If he is afraid to 'lose you' in his terrors, this is stemming from intense insecurity and fear, and this needs to be urgently addressed.

I said he had some instances beforehand, like talking, shouting, jumpstart/waking up. I don't think the lashing out came till years later so the meds may have made it worse or it could have just been a natural progression of the disorder, I don't know. The GP seemed to think it was a side effect of the medications but swapping and stopping them doesn't help so I can't see how that is the case.

So the only solution is separate beds and he should have done that the very first time we had a sleep incident? Im glad he didn't as we wouldn't have any of our kids 🤣

The therapy was years ago. He had a traumatic childhood.

My husband also has night terrors (thankfully relative infrequently unless very stressed), what about one of the bunk beds that is double underneath and single on top so room for chilling together and then separate sleeping places?

What about a hotel size bed (which are usually zip and link) which might give you more space.

If you don't have a spare room and changing meds doesn't work then your options are really limited. It's either that or the sofa (him that is).

https://nestishop.com/products/nesti-compression-pod-adults?tw_source=google&tw_adid=&tw_campaign=23951785846&tw_kwdid=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23947191509&gclid=CjwKCAjwyuDTBhB-EiwANCQhLPK0eNU-e5dsNysrwgo8cIGeQo6nkGimO-r9-PeH4iLPOD-Q4BE4zBoCmmAQAvD_BwE

Well there is your issue. He needs to go back into therapy, preferably an EDMR therapist and deal with the underlying trauma. A psychiatrist is probably not the right person op, they are paid to diagnose and medicate, not to deal with the root cause.

Im glad he didn't as we wouldn't have any of our kids

Lots of couples with separate rooms have a sex life. Basically every couple above a certain income level have separate rooms.

His sex life depends on you being terrified of him at night? Just read that back a moment. That is the definition of sadistic

That's a little unimaginative of you. I'm not (ahem) sure any of mine were conceived in the shared bed.

Share while awake. Sleep separately for safety.

What an impressive level of ignorance on this you have

OP, just a couple of thoughts.

I don’t think its abuse at all, just a genuine sleep issue that he has and sounds like you are desperate to fix it. However, its not sustainable to carry on. A ring camera set up to film every night would show you exactly what is happening.

If you have space in your room could you have two separate beds pushed together with a hi lo electric control, then you could sleep high and him low, so you are away from flailing limbs? Then you could start at the same level, and go back to the same level on waking. Alternatively, bespoke a bunk bed with a double below and a single above that you use to sleep.

Separate beds is less detrimental to your relationship than what is happening now.

Ask him if he is really saying he wants you to carry on getting disturbed sleep and injuries so that he gets to sleep in the same bed as you.

What is the obvious?

Can you get a sofa bed in the living room. Pull it out at bedtime. Go to bed together for sex, then one of you (preferably him, but we all know it will end up being you) go to the sofa to sleep. My ex snored really badly and this is how we ended up doing it.

My partner has never lashed out at me but does twitch and kick a lot in his sleep - vivid dreams where he is running to save something or kick someone/something away. It's doesn't happen often but it's usually when he's especially emotional or over tired (long term depression and moving from sertaline to mirtazapine)
We found playing ocean sounds on Alexa low in the bedroom helps give his mind something to tune into and he goes to sleep more peacefully. Occasionally he'll take a CBD gummy ( I have a tub I take one if I'm on shifts to help unwind before bed once/ twice a month).
Not suggesting these for your husband but offering ideas that work for us. All the best x

I've been married over 40 years and dh has had night terrors all the way through.
He is worse when on medication but even as a dc he had night terrors .
I've been grabbed around the neck, my arms are grabbed and he won't let go - in his head I'm falling and he has to save me.
I often have to shout to make him let go.
It's awful @NoMoreBedTime and I feel for you.
How often does it happen?
Dh jumps up confused and shouting at least 3 times a week which wakes me but the grabbing me is not often now, probably once every 2 months.

I think the barrier may work, if not then separate beds may be necessary.

We were once on a narrow boat and goodness knows what the other boaters thought when I screamed at being grabbed. And I always do scream because I'm usually fast asleep when it happens and it's scary suddenly being grabbed unexpectedly.