DH's night terrors are affecting my sleep and I need solutions

[NoMoreBedTime]

DH has night terrors and I have had enough.

He is a wonderful man, seriously, and he hates that he does this but he is so reluctant to have separate beds as he thinks this will be detrimental to our relationship.
But I can't deal with this anymore. He has nightmares that I am being attacked all the time and in his efforts to 'save me' or the kids in his dreams I end up getting lumps knocked out of me in real life.

I have just been woken again by 3 consecutive knees to the back and I am done.

He has been to the drs. They say its a side effect of a medication (but it happened before the meds too) He has been prescribed different things, like something to make him sleep heavier. Nothing works. He's changed the medications that cause it. He has tried many things.

I know what the responses are going to be.

"He isnt a good man if he is hurting you but doesn't want to have separate beds to stop that" and I do get that he is being selfish in that regard and I don't really want to have separate beds either :( but I don't know what else to do.

He spends the night tossing and turning, talking and shouting at people in his dreams.

It's at the point now where I just don't feel safe and if he is 'sleep talking' I can't sleep because I'm waiting for him to lash out :(

If we got separate beds they would have to be singles too as 2 doubles wouldnt fit and neither of us are going to be comfortable in a single bed. Its going to look weird in the room and our sex life will probably go down the pan.

I just don't have any other solution :(

Separate bedrooms. I don't know how you've coped with this for so long, OP. I totally believe you that he's a good man, but that doesn't mean he can't hurt you in his sleep.

Please be aware that there's at least one case of a man strangling his wife to death because of a nightmare. This is serious and you can't continue sharing a bed with him.

Show this story to your husband: Devoted husband who strangled wife in his sleep walks free from court | Crime | The Guardian

Good luck, OP.

I'd tell him that being attacked during the night is detrimental to your relationship and insist on separate rooms. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long OP.

DH is exactly the same. Separate beds are not a problem at all. You can spend time in one bed with each other and then depart when you need sleep. It doesn't sound like a lovely, cuddly sleep anyway so what's the problem?

In the early days, he blacked both my eyes. I do get it but you've got an obvious solution.

I had this. The second time he hit me I sent him to the spare room.

You can get large single beds which are 3' 6" wide. I'd suggest you get two of those, or separate rooms.

How long has this been going on for??

We don't have a spare room, there is nowhere for him to go.

We couldn't 'spend time together' in a single bed really, could we?

It's making me so sad because I really do not want separate beds and I REALLY don't want a single bed but I cannot think of any other solution.

At least 15 years 😟

He bit me when our son was about 6 so yes, about that.

That was the only time hes ever bitten.

Christ that sounds fucking crazy when I read it back :(

And you have sucked this up for 15 years????

The worst bit is its always me he is trying to save in his head :(

I know he feels shit about it but its got to the point now where I want him to do something about it and he isn't. He is putting it on me to be the bad guy and separate us. It should be coming from him.

This issue aside - what is this man like as a partner?

Are you happily married?

There is no “should” in this.

Do what you feel is best.

Yes, its intermittent.

Back then it was very sporadic but its become more frequent now and I think I am peri menopausal so really struggling to sleep, so any little noises are waking me up for the whole night.

Would it help to video him during one of these episodes? Show him what you're actually going through. If he's a good man who loves you, he'll be horrified and start looking for solutions himself.

Yes, absolutely. Very, very happily married. I love the bones of him. He is caring, loyal, hardworking, lives for his kids and me. Opens my car door everytime (silly example of how he always thinks of me) but thisnis something he does, but its not in his control.

Doctors have said this is the side effect of medication

and he’s tried multiple medications with all the same side effect

what medications?

but he is so reluctant to have separate beds as he thinks this will be detrimental to our relationship.

he isn’t the one being victimised in her sleep. He isn’t the one who was bitten in the middle of the night.

DH was the one who acted when he hurt me for the first time. Because he's a good man.

And of course you can spend time together in a single bed. Or on a sofa. Or anywhere else you fancy. There are lots of things which aren't ideal but you do them to keep yourself safe. If your dh doesn't want to keep you safe, then I'd question whether he is the good man you claim.

If you aren't going to sleep separately, there's no point to the thread.

No way is this man a wonderful man.

Read your op and follow up posts

I have tried a few times but I never know when it will happen so its difficult to 'catch it'

SSRIs.

I don't know what you are expecting people to say. You know you need separate beds and you won't do it so what else are you expecting?

Different types have all resulted in this over 15 years???

how often does this happen?

He's bullshitting you

Could you get a sofabed in the living room? You could go to bed together, then one of you head downstairs to sleep at some point (either after sex, once one person falls asleep or even after you've been woken up by him shouting, although with that you'd still get a disturbed night!).