DH's night terrors are affecting my sleep and I need solutions

[NoMoreBedTime]

DH has night terrors and I have had enough.

He is a wonderful man, seriously, and he hates that he does this but he is so reluctant to have separate beds as he thinks this will be detrimental to our relationship.
But I can't deal with this anymore. He has nightmares that I am being attacked all the time and in his efforts to 'save me' or the kids in his dreams I end up getting lumps knocked out of me in real life.

I have just been woken again by 3 consecutive knees to the back and I am done.

He has been to the drs. They say its a side effect of a medication (but it happened before the meds too) He has been prescribed different things, like something to make him sleep heavier. Nothing works. He's changed the medications that cause it. He has tried many things.

I know what the responses are going to be.

"He isnt a good man if he is hurting you but doesn't want to have separate beds to stop that" and I do get that he is being selfish in that regard and I don't really want to have separate beds either :( but I don't know what else to do.

He spends the night tossing and turning, talking and shouting at people in his dreams.

It's at the point now where I just don't feel safe and if he is 'sleep talking' I can't sleep because I'm waiting for him to lash out :(

If we got separate beds they would have to be singles too as 2 doubles wouldnt fit and neither of us are going to be comfortable in a single bed. Its going to look weird in the room and our sex life will probably go down the pan.

I just don't have any other solution :(

@NoMoreBedTime - you must find an alternative sleeping arrangement. HE COULD KILL YOU or at least deliver life-changing injuries. As a PP said, there was a case where one man strangled his wife to death in his sleep. The position may be different if it were you being violent in your sleep because he could probably fight you off but most men could easily kill most women with their bare hands. This could happen here. It’s not worth the risk.

What about switching your bed out for 2 singles, so make a super king. Then put one of those toddler bed guards between you at night. There needs to be separate mattresses so you can attach it.

sofa bed seems the solution

does he disturb the rest of the family?

I have to dispute this. I know it's a complicated situation as it is violence but its completely non intentional.

In every other aspect of our relationship he is genuinely wonderful and I choose that word purposefully.

He works hard, every penny is for us. He doesn't have selfish hobbies. He doesn't drink or smoke. He doesn't choose his friends over his family in his free time. He does more than his fair share of donkey work around the house.

Does all the DIY (a few weeks ago I asked him if we could put mouldings on the cupboard doors to make them look more 'country kitchen' he did it in 24 hours. No joke. That night he researched, watched youtube, next morning went to B&Q and by the evening I had the cupboards I wanted.

Again, I know thats just a silly thing and not an example of someonea full character but I could give you a dozen of those 'little examples' in the last few months alone.

He hates this. I hate this. He doesn't want separate beds and neither do I because I live cuddling up, watching TV and those spontaneous intimate moments that come with that and he is obviously scared of losing that (as am I)

And he has tried different things but its not worked so now I feel like I need to be the one to say enough (yes many will argue that should be on him, I feel it too!) But its basically cutting away a huge part of married life isnt it? Not sharing a bed? :(

If there was another solution I would try that first but he has swapped meds, tried extra meds, come OFF the meds, all trying to sort this out and non of it stops it happening.

I'm very dreamy/ sleep walk and talk / restless so I can see how this can happen. You need separate beds, stop dithering and put yourself first. Why on earth will it be the end of sex?

What on earth are you talking about?

You think for 15 years he has been pretending to have night terrors. Pretending to the Drs? Swapping and stopping his meds just for fun? What, to hit me with an excuse, rather than just do it out in the open? I've sat watching this man have night terrors (and normal, vocal dreams) for HOURS over the years. I will be sat reading whilst he babbles on next to me, dribbling and snoring in between. And you think he is pretending just so he can kick me a couple of times a month? And then fake cry after because he feels so bad??

Some people on here 🙄

OP, this man isn’t “wonderful”.

if I terrorised my partner. If I had BITTEN my partner… then I would take myself off to a spare room and I would deal with my depression in other ways given apparently every single one had resulted in this side effect

Your husband? Well he’s getting ratty that you want to have a night sleep without being terrorised

Op on the basis of this thread… your sleep deprivation is blinding you to the very obvious

Wow, that actually might be a good solution, they could be close enough to function like a normal bed but then have the option for the barrier.

Actually we have a king bed frame. We should be able to fit 2 single mattresses in that? And then the toddler barrier would go between the matresses? Is that how they work or would it have to be 2 single beds?

It all sound very Gothic and enmeshed. There is nowhere else for you to go. Your 'protector' is your attacker. Do you have a job? Colleagues? An independent social life? How do you feel about having a husband with long term depression?

You can still snuggle up together in two singles. We just went on holiday and the second week we took the room with two singles as my husband tosses and turns (it's like doing somersaults) and steals all the duvet. We both slept so much better in the single beds and could get in together for a snuggle in the morning. At home in winter I have my own duvet which helps and it's a king sized bed when the holiday homes have a double it just feels so small.

Good god, we went for separate beds because DH would occasionally roll over in the night and sandbag me with a flailing great heavy arm. After the second or third time I got too easily alerted by his every movement to get proper restful sleep. So, separate beds. Just do it.

Sleep is actually an essential part of health. Bed sharing isn't. He can get over being miffed more easily than you can get over being sleepless and injured.

He doesn't want to have separate beds because it'll affect his sex life

He would prefer his wife to be afraid of him each night, than curtail his sex life.

This man is abusing you. You can believe it's unintentional, but the effect is the same.

Holding doors open for you, or decorating the kitchen, doesn't stop a man from being a cruel and controlling man.

Gosh you are dramatic.

Just because we don't have a spare bedroom 'I have no where to go' 🤣

I am a full time clerical receptionist for the NHS. I have just come back from a girls only holiday in Greece. I also have my own mental health issues and do not judge people for taking the appropriate medication for that or see any stigma in someone having mental health issues.

I wonder if you could get a high tech smart watch that he wears in his sleep which might be able to prove whether or not he's actually asleep when he's doing this. I can't be the only person on this thread very sceptical about it. A good man would take steps to prevent it a second time let alone 15 years of it.

I agree OP can’t carry on like this but night terrors are real and when you have one it’s like it’s all real. It’s terrifying. I’ve woken up hysterically crying before or screaming for help. Stop trying to make out he’s doing this on purpose.

I can't believe some of the replies on here.
You poor thing OP.
And your poor husband.
Just a mad thought but I've been getting ads for some sort of snuggle pod , I'll post a link
Might trigger him more though .

Has he tried hypnosis? That may help get to the bottom of why he feels the need to “protect” you.

He has taken steps!
He's been to the GP about a dozen times over it. He has changed medication, stopped medication, requested to be seen by a sleep specialist (denied) All this takes months, you can't just stop SSRIs or change them quickly and willynilly.
Hes taken sedatives, sleep tablets, melatonin. Had nights at end or bed and on the couch.

I honestly can't fathom how so many people on this thread think he has spent 15 YEARS pretending to have a serious documented and GP monitored sleep condition, its baffling to me that you think my 15 years of lived experience is wrong because you've read a thread about it. Like I can't tell when my own husband is genuinely asleep or not.

You think he lies there for an hour whilst Ibread or watch TV babbling and snoring and twitching just so that once a month he can kick me? Its actually insane and I think youre probably on the wind up.

You should all apply to write for Eastenders.

I've kicked my DH during a night terror. You can be skeptical about it,it's awful but it does happen during terrors.

He needs to go into professional therapy and deal with the underlying reasons for his night terrors. I had them for decades, and they stopped once I dealt with the issues in my life that I was avoiding/struggling with quietly. I now only have them at times of very high stress like moving home etc.

In the meantime, twin beds in the same room to keep you safe.

That's a really good idea. My DH had hypnosis with great success for another issue. It's worth a go.

What does this stem from? Has he had a traumatic event in his past? Has he tried EMDR to resolve the trauma? Or hypnosis?

I would try both. I have used hypnosis for dislike of flying (I appreciate that is very very different) but the transformation was incredible.

https://metro.co.uk/2021/01/24/night-terrors-made-my-life-a-living-hell-but-sleep-hypnosis-saved-me-13911200/

I would go to a hypnosist and try and resolve it. Or if it’s trauma pay for EMDR.

He knows the underlying reason- it's caused by medication. Many need have sleep disturbance as a side effect.