DH's night terrors are affecting my sleep and I need solutions

[NoMoreBedTime]

DH has night terrors and I have had enough.

He is a wonderful man, seriously, and he hates that he does this but he is so reluctant to have separate beds as he thinks this will be detrimental to our relationship.
But I can't deal with this anymore. He has nightmares that I am being attacked all the time and in his efforts to 'save me' or the kids in his dreams I end up getting lumps knocked out of me in real life.

I have just been woken again by 3 consecutive knees to the back and I am done.

He has been to the drs. They say its a side effect of a medication (but it happened before the meds too) He has been prescribed different things, like something to make him sleep heavier. Nothing works. He's changed the medications that cause it. He has tried many things.

I know what the responses are going to be.

"He isnt a good man if he is hurting you but doesn't want to have separate beds to stop that" and I do get that he is being selfish in that regard and I don't really want to have separate beds either :( but I don't know what else to do.

He spends the night tossing and turning, talking and shouting at people in his dreams.

It's at the point now where I just don't feel safe and if he is 'sleep talking' I can't sleep because I'm waiting for him to lash out :(

If we got separate beds they would have to be singles too as 2 doubles wouldnt fit and neither of us are going to be comfortable in a single bed. Its going to look weird in the room and our sex life will probably go down the pan.

I just don't have any other solution :(

Ignore the posters like that one. They often think all men are abusive, half of them probably think he is cheating on you as well, as all men seem to do that according to MN 🤷

OP I think it is likely DH is suffering from trauma and some kind of body work would help him release it, eg cranial sacral osteopathy or biodynamic massage.
To help you now, how about having a double bed next to a single? Cuddle in the double then you move into the single to sleep. If you still get disturbed, move the single further away until you are OK.

Oh, come on. Absolutely ridiculous to try and suggest that my husband is somehow getting off on this. That his sex life depends on me being terrified?? Stop reaching and talking absolute BULLSHIT

Some of you people are sick and this kind of shit only diminishes real instances of DV and assault. My husband has never consciously hurt me. In any way. 20 years and he has NEVER shouted at me, hit me, cheated on me. Nothing. He does not control this and he certainly doesn't enjoy it or use it as sexual titilation.

I'm done here.

Thankyou for the 2 suggestions of the single beds with the toddler barrier and the link to that stretchy sleeping bag thing, that actually looks extremely useful but its always him kicking and I think that would pretty much stop his ability to do that.

I am now going to hide this thread and won't be reading it again as I have got some really helpful suggestions (inc EMDR, I know EMDR isnt hypnotherapy inwas talking about them separatelybut didn'tmake the proper distinction and I also am not being flippant about anything, I was under the impressionthe hypnotherapyonly worked if you believe in it and he has said many times he doesn'tso I assumed it wouldnt work)

And I feel a bit more confident we can find a way to work rounf this with the abive options but Im not going to sit here and read people making out my husband is some sort of sexual deviant who gets off on hurting me. If you knew him you would know nothing is further from the truth.

EMDR isn’t hypnotherapy

Just because hypnosis didn’t work for you doesn’t mean it won’t work for him. You don’t have to believe in it at all. All you need to do is want help and it takes time like every therapy, you have to keep going back. It can be life changing for many people who can’t get help anywhere else. Why are you being so flippant about something so serious? I thought you wanted help!?

Good for you, OP. I don't know if you'll see this, but I'm glad you got something useful from this thread and are hiding it now. I honestly could have guessed how this thread would go from the start.

i sympathise my husband has a reoccuring dream of being attacked and kicks out, he has a shoulder injury, works long hours and all
this affects his sleep.
it doesnt happen alot but we have 2 single mattreses on a king size. You could put his mattress on the floor when its time for sleep.
I am in a seperate bedroom due to my sleep being wrecked by peri meno and we are still v happily married.

Someone here has told you a treatment that actually worked for their night terrors and you've just completely dismissed it. EDMR is NOT hypnosis. If the night terrors are trauma related, this absolutely could help. There is also a treatment called IRT. In the meantime though its clear you need to sleep separately. Maybe think of it as a temporary thing whilst you go all out to remedy this. There are sleep specialists that monitor overnight to diagnose what is going on. I cant believe after 15 years that your GP hasnt referred your DH. Did he correct the GP when they said it was a medication side effect? Has he pushed for diagnosis and treatment? Does he actually realise how badly it affects you? I would go back to the GP as a couple and insist on a referral. 15 years of nightly violence is ridiculous. Have you looked up other sleep disorders such as RBD as this seems more likely than night terrors. I really hope you both work together to get this sorted. He could seriously injure you.

If you can find a barrier that only need to go under the mattress then your existing frame should be fine.
King is 5ft though, so you would need none standard singles, as normal singles are 3ft, and Super king is 6ft.

I’ve had sleep related issues since I was a kid. At first it was bed wetting which stopped when I was 11, then it was night terrors, sleep talking, sleep walking, etc. The night terrors stayed with me through adulthood and I genuinely feel so sorry for your husband because they are AWFUL. It’s like watching your worst fear unfold in front of yours eyes, and you wake up in a state because it feels so really. Mine mostly revolves around spiders or terrifying characters and I scream the house down when it happens. I’ve not had one since I went on Sertraline in August 2024 but I’ve also had a baby since then so I don’t know if the hormonal changes impacted it too. However, something else that happened around that time frame was I started seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety, and also because there’s a strong link between mental health and sleep issues. Has your husband considered therapy as I really believe this would help? I’ve never been physical with them but I’m always terrified I will lash out and hurt my partner, which makes the cycle worse as it feeds into the mental health issues worse.

There’s also a strong link between eating close to bed time. It is due to mixed signals in your body - your metabolism kicking in vs your brain sending signals to your body to relax and shut down. As a result, I try and leave a few hours before finishing eating and going to sleep. I’d suggest looking into this.

Anyone who is suggesting anything negative about your husband needs to take a step back, do some research and realise how offensive it is to make suggestions like that. Anyone who experiences night terrors would give anything to make them stop, they are like living in a horror film. But, medication and therapy helped me get a grip on mine so hopefully your husband can too!

I used to get horrible night terrors, I used to wake DH up all the time thrashing about and screaming or crying. Hugely traumatic for both of us at the time. Fortunately he saw it as just one of those things, an irritating quirk that he felt sympathy for me over.

They just stopped one day, not sure why. Maybe when I was pregnant.

I remember pulling the wardrobe over once during one in my desperate need to escape the room (this was before DH), I had misjudged where the doorway was as I was asleep and it was dark. Hideous.

But what is the difference between this situation and living with a partner who is violent during waking hours?

Often they don't 'mean' to do it, they can't 'help themselves', can't bear the idea of being left, and can be very attentive and affectionate when not hitting and punching?

I say this as someone who has bad dreams. I am not unsympathetic to people's struggles. I just think it is important to be aware of codependency and unwillingness to make real change. (In a situation where there have been problems for over a decade, why not aim for a house with an extra bedroom even if it's in poorer repair, a less ritzy area? And surely a mother's poor sleep and fear of nocturnal attack impacts on children?)

You are accusing a poster as being dramatic

you husband BIT you in his sleep!!!

I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose

but in his shoes.. I would not be kicking up a stink if my partner wanted to sleep separately

nor would I be on medication for 15 years that every single different one has all resulted in rhe same side effect

If he was like this BEFORE meds, then why on earth do you think it’s a side effect of the meds?

My friend's husband has night terrors. They sleep in separate rooms now and are much happier. It's not reasonable for your partner to expect you to share a bed with him when he is hurting you, even if it's not deliberate. It's actually dangerous. How would he feel if he seriously injured you?!

To quote you

But I can't deal with this anymore.

If the night terrors were genuine, and they might be, a decent man would INSIST you had separate beds/sleeping spaces. Think about it for a second, if you had a sleep disorder where you could unknowingly and uncontrollably lash out and harm your partner or child, would you WANT them to sleep in the same bed? I bloody wouldn’t. I would want to protect my partner at all costs. I sure wouldn’t be prioritising a potential midnight sex session above their safety and wellbeing. Pretty sure that’s why people are saying he is a poor excuse for a man and a husband.

You also sound completely enmeshed. Not prioritising your sleep and safety above a cuddle in the night? Bloody ridiculous. Cuddle/have sex/whatever and THEN sleep separately and safely. He is either controlling or needy, neither of which are great in a partner

People on this thread are very ignorant about REM sleep disorders. They are very real and completely outwith the control of the person suffering.
Seperate beds is a must tho - people can inadvertently cause serious harm to their partners while asleep.
Your GP should be referring him to a sleep consultant. There are other medications that can be tried apart from SSRIs .
Sometimes however it is simply about damage limitation
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/rem-sleep-behavior-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352920

Not many doubt he has this

but… his response to it is appalling

That's such a helpful post @unsevered67 .
I do hope @NoMoreBedTime reads it .
One of the things that struck me was that the GP needed to refer to a sleep clinic.

If he is so reticent to sleep in separate beds then my conclusion is he enjoys hurting you. He enjoys depriving you of sleep and he enjoys hitting you. What other conclusion can there possibly be for why he doesn’t want his wife to be physically and psychologically safe in her bed?

He hits you. He has bitten you. And he refuses to entertain you removing yourself from a situation that would ensure your safety.

And once again, all the things you have listed as him being wonderful are just normal things, OP. Doing a bit of DIY does not give him the right to keep hurting you-why do you think it does?

Separate rooms definitely. DH and I do due to us arguing in the night over snoring. It’s made our relationship better. We can do the odd night together with earplugs for me but we hated each other before lol