Would I be wrong to skip the holiday and focus on sobriety?

[Mumoftwo654]

Hi all,
so to start.. I definitely now know I have a bad relationship with alcohol. I have been trying to stop for a while now and cannot seem to manage. I go a few days and then always drink. After, I feel bad the next day but by day three I’m drinking again. This is also in spite of me having a constant pain in my upper right abdomen. I am terrified about this and still cannot stop.

So, my husband works a lot over the summer. He is home at 7pm and has one day off a week. I am occupying our two primary school age boys. I have really been struggling with their behaviour. One has adhd and they love each other but bicker all the time. Absolutley constant. I am not working right now - although meant to be renovating. I would like to do something for myself soon though. We also have no family that can help us at all.

The point of the question.. my husband booked a holiday. He said he is knackered and needs one. He also drinks more than me. As the holiday approaches I feel quite broken. I would like to stay at home instead of going to try to stop drinking without the stress of daily life for a week. I plan of going to aa in the evenings and getting some productive things done like diy… as I am feeling very unproductive in life atm.. I always feel better when I feel productive. We are also kind of living in a nightmare as I haven’t had any time to get on with renovating the house.
My husband is annoyed at me for not coming. He says he feels alone and insignificant. He is definitely very tired and has been drinking too much too and working loads. However, after I told him I was not coming for definite and explaining why he said a few hours later “I think I’m dying”. I think he is referring to his health and being literal.

I honestly do not know what to think. Am I being a dick here?

So he has now to go on holiday alone for a week on his week off work when he's knackered with two children who are hard work and one has adhd. You both drink but him more and you will trust him alone with your two kids whilst you stay at home alone to relax and have time alone doing what you like. I do think that's really selfish, sorry.

What kind of holiday have you booked? Your DH works 6 days a week until 7pm and you think it’s reasonable to send him off with the two children on his own. I appreciate you want to get your drinking under control but I can see why your DH is aggrieved. Is there likely to be some kind of kids club available so both of you get a bit of down time ?

Thanks. Maybe I need to hear that. I’ve been asking him to treat it like a rehab and for us to not drink at all. He doesn’t sound overly keen. I’ll maybe just go and try to not drink myself.

You can't control someone else's drinking but you can decide to try not drink yourself. You should go over to the alcohol board in health there is a long running thread on there of people trying to completely abstain that seems really friendly and helpful.

I think it's reasonable to say you need some time to work on yourself and discuss how this might be arranged.

I'd be furious and very hurt if you announced you weren't coming on the family holiday to do it.

It’s a caravan holiday but there aren’t any kids clubs. We can’t actually afford a holiday. He just booked it. I’ll go and try to sort myself out after.

There's quite a lot to unpack here, OP.
Firstly, how are you going to do renovations around primary aged children? Surely that is really stressful, unless they are competent and sensible enough to help. I guess you could get them stripping wallpaper maybe, but probably not much else at that age.
Secondly, the holiday. Has DH booked a holiday without consulting you? Are you saying that he should take the holiday himself, possibly with the kids, but leave you at home to do the DIY? If he booked the holiday without your agreement, then it's OK to say you don't want to go. But if you had agreed it, it's not really fair on him to pull out, whatever the reason. I imagine the children would be better on holiday as they would be more fully entertained with pool/sea whatever it is that has been arranged, assuming the arrangements have taken them into account, and it's not just whatever DH wants to do. And I guess it also depends on whether you trust him to look after the DC on holiday alone, or whether, given the drinking situation , you don't feel they would be safe without you there. It's not unreasonable for DH to want a family holiday, with all of you there, but obviously he can't just impost it on you.
The other scenario is that he goes alone, leaving the DC with you, which is hardly fair on them, and means you probably won't get much work done.
On balance, I'd go on the holiday, not drink at all there if you can manage that, and then start AA when you get back. You'll get time to renovate once the DC are back at school.
Is the holiday one where it would be difficult not to drink?

There is absolutley no other opportunity to have time to myself.

You can always not drink on holiday. Maybe get This Naked Mind by Annie Grace to read.

Your health is paramount, doing reno can wait.

As you drink less, depending on how much you drank you will eventually have more time and energy to spend on yourself.

Surely if you're not working and the boys are at primary youl have time alone to renovate when they are back at school?

Is the location somewhere that you could do anything for yourself? I know this sounds wanky but could you take yourself off for a beach walk or do some sea swimming. Im
sure you have a major hill to climb with everything in your life but if you can start some mini wellness activities it might make you feel that the holiday isn’t completely wasted time.

At the end of the day, you can’t make your sobriety dependent on anyone else’s choices. You have to decide, fuck it, I don’t care what anyone else does, says or thinks, I’m doing this for myself and that’s all that matters.

By that I don’t mean that you cancel the holiday for your own personal rehab while leaving your husband to deal with the kids when he’s exhausted. I mean you decide you’re not picking up a drink whatever life throws at you, whether you’re stressed or relaxed, working or on holiday, tired, hungry, socialising, at home, whether other people are drinking or not. That’s how sobriety functions in real life.

Maybe you need to set a quit date you can n work towards in the future, but throwing your husband under the bus so you can fully prioritise your own quit (unclear how bad your drinking is or what actual level of support both you and your husband need) isn’t the way to do it.

I’ve read the naked mind twice.
I think it will be harder to not drink because my hubby will be drinking… but I can definitely try.
He just said I need a holiday, I’m booking this one. I said okay.
I haven’t done any renovations all summer because I’ve been taking the kids places etc. I will go to aa properly once the holiday is over. I been to one session before but it is over an hours drive away. I couldn’t go to the one in my town as he works late that night and the only one nearer is a night he has a weekly sport thing. He said he wasn’t overly comfortable with the whole aa thing anyway.. but I will just go anyway after the holiday. I’ll just make the drive.

I’m definitely going to get back to the renovations when the kids are at school anyway… but evenings are mega mental with groups and kids friends etc. I’ll just have to try to make it work. I just feel like I need to escape to fix myself but I see that that is selfish.

I can definitely try

As Yoda says, there is only do or not do. There is no “try”.

Sobriety is an on/off thing. The only thing stopping you from never having another drink is your lack of an absolutely solid commitment to being alcohol-free.

Once you have your mindset right, not drinking ever again is easy, mostly effortless even.

I agree with PP that I’d be annoyed if my DO opted out of a family holiday, leaving me to parent alone.

however he doesn’t sound particularly encouraging
or supportive of you giving up alcohol. Why’s he not keen for you to go to aa?
im do had a drinking problem that they wanted to address, that would trump me going to a hobby - at least initially to support them in having a go at giving up alcohol. I’d also be willing not to drink on holiday, or around them in general.
you did say he drinks more than you, so I’m guessing either he’s worried about losing you as his drinking partner and/or worried that it will force him to admit he has an issue and do something about it?

I’m guessing you’ve never had issues with alcohol then?
if it was that simple, why are there waiting lists for rehab and other support services?
do you think heroine addicts can also just make the decision not to use again and so long as they mean it enough it’s that simple?

You would be incorrect in your assumptions.

I know what I said is confronting, which doesn’t make it untrue.

AA do online meetings, @Mumoftwo654

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/members/aa-meetings/online-meetings/

He is enabling you, it might not be the right relationship until you guys work out how to stop drinking.

try not having it in the house, no getting it at the supermarket etc, and then it means to have a drink you have to make a conscious effort to go get it.

i recently stopped drinking for weight loss, and my husband was the one who always suggested a drink or went to buy it, fortunately he has realised that I need him to support me to lose weight and to stop buying alcohol is the way he can do that. But without your husband also supporting then the change you want won’t stick.

however I realise it will be harder for you if it is an addiction as opposed to a terrible habit like it was for me. Ultimately though, you both need to be on the same page or you need to take a short break from him to evaluate things and whether it is better for your health to do it alone

So what about alcoholics that have physical withdrawal? Even medical professionals advise support in stopping as it can be life threatening

It usually takes a lot of pain and suffering to get to the point of quitting entirely. Everyone has a different level of tolerance when it comes to suffering I suppose. Im going to say that all addicts incur numerous failed attempts before getting it. Therefore, there are always times where problem drinkers or addicts know they need and want to stop but cannot quite do it yet.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you deeply for all of your input. It is very much appreciated ❤️

you know, I am just going to guess here, have you actively stopped drinking yet? And I understand the liver worry. But if you haven't, the likelihood of them all going away for a week and you getting hammered at home without interruption is fairly high.

The OP isn’t at that point. She’s talking about stopping for days at a time and she’s complaining about not having enough time to do renovations. She can quit today by making the decision to do so… if she wants to.

I hear ya. So, the house is a total fixer upper.. my hubby has taken the boys away before on short holidays to let me get certain renovations done (lead paint removal or sanding the wooden floor etc). Jobs that the kids can’t really safely be around. I know that when I have the opportunity to be productive like that I have just totally cracked on in the past. It’s made me feel good about myself.. being productive. Parenting doesn’t feel hugely productive atm. I am hoping that this would be the case again.. granted I wasn’t drinking as much the last time he left me to it.

I also do want to finish sanding the staircase (which has been sitting like that for a year or so) and oil it .. as that stuff stinks. No one can sleep in the house when I get the oil out but I suppose we can all stay in a hotel for a night whenever I get round to that.

So, about quantities.. I drank two bottles of wine two nights ago, none last night, two minis tonight. I wouldn’t usually drink two bottles in one night but I do think things are getting worse. I’ve had issues before and had a weird three day bedridden sweat session.. at the time i didn’t even realise it was withdrawal. It’s been up and down my whole adult life tbh… obvs stopping to have the kids and I quit once for a year and a half aswell.