Would I be wrong to skip the holiday and focus on sobriety?

[Mumoftwo654]

Hi all,
so to start.. I definitely now know I have a bad relationship with alcohol. I have been trying to stop for a while now and cannot seem to manage. I go a few days and then always drink. After, I feel bad the next day but by day three I’m drinking again. This is also in spite of me having a constant pain in my upper right abdomen. I am terrified about this and still cannot stop.

So, my husband works a lot over the summer. He is home at 7pm and has one day off a week. I am occupying our two primary school age boys. I have really been struggling with their behaviour. One has adhd and they love each other but bicker all the time. Absolutley constant. I am not working right now - although meant to be renovating. I would like to do something for myself soon though. We also have no family that can help us at all.

The point of the question.. my husband booked a holiday. He said he is knackered and needs one. He also drinks more than me. As the holiday approaches I feel quite broken. I would like to stay at home instead of going to try to stop drinking without the stress of daily life for a week. I plan of going to aa in the evenings and getting some productive things done like diy… as I am feeling very unproductive in life atm.. I always feel better when I feel productive. We are also kind of living in a nightmare as I haven’t had any time to get on with renovating the house.
My husband is annoyed at me for not coming. He says he feels alone and insignificant. He is definitely very tired and has been drinking too much too and working loads. However, after I told him I was not coming for definite and explaining why he said a few hours later “I think I’m dying”. I think he is referring to his health and being literal.

I honestly do not know what to think. Am I being a dick here?

a couple weeks before the hols but I’m still on the books.. so i might have to pick up some shifts over the autumn and winter but the plan is to try not to and do the renovations during the day and have the kids from 3pm

So, i suppose some of us just have to wait until we need rehab or a hospital stay.

There is no other possibility for any other week! He would have to take another week
off work. He is self employed and would have to pay for staff cover. The whole thing is extortionate. He will likely not take another whole week off until next summer .. another 6 months at the earliest.

Your kids aren’t school age?

It's a completely reasonable impulse to want a week to yourself, but always challenging to get this as a parent. And it's true it might help you with breaking the pattern of drinking, but it might also - as others have said - just end up giving you the week to drink alone. Now you're saying it would be selfish to have a week and you'll have to sort yourself out afterwards, which sounds like you're embracing the idea you'll now have to go on holiday and drink (even though you will 'try' not to) with relief, and it postpones the evil day when you have to be sober. Avoiding being selfish lets you off the hook.

I don't say this to be unkind - this is what addiction is like. You don't always crack in the face of temptation, it's more common to talk yourself into reasons why another time will be better. But there's never a good time. Even if you get a good week, you'll still have to carry on, day by day, not drinking in the face of work, renovations, kids, exhaustion - all the same pressures. There won't be a perfect time where suddenly it's easier. Even if you could go to rehab you'd still have to face life when you came out.

Look at the online AA groups now, go to the face to face one where you're back, start living as if you're sober and keep at it, rather than seeing yourself as unavoidably prevented from being sober. It sounds like this is something you really want, and the best way to have a different life is to start clocking up the days when you haven't had a drink. That momentum - plus the person you can be when you're not drinking or recovering from drinking - has to begin somewhere. It could begin today, you don't have to wait till their/your holiday or after it. Good luck, OP.

Quite. If this week can't be taken with the kids around in the evenings for any reason, then it still only means the husband needs to book some before/after school clubs.

They are school age. You do realise that getting the kids to School then renovating and then having the kids from 3pm is not a week off? Even if I didn’t renovate for a week there is still huge amount of emotional and actual work in looking after the home and kids. This is not a week to switch
off from everything. There is a huge amount of things going on every evening with kids. I
feel like I am living in a twilight zone here or maybe you are just enjoying being antagonistic?

No need to get snarky. Unfortunately if you have small kids and no support this is life. You don’t get time off. You’re falling into the trap of waiting to stop drinking when circumstances are better. The truth is stopping drinking is what will create those better circumstances and make it easier to cope.

If you are getting liver pains and thats still not enough to make you reduce or stop your drinking I’m not sure that a weeks holiday is here or there really…You’ve got young kids, what other incentive do you need.
You talk with the usual alcoholics script - always someone else’s fault. If you wanted to be trying AA you could be at an online meeting now instead of posting on here. But your not, your busy blaming others and everyday life that you can’t do it.

Not the twilight zone, more the 'welcome to real life' zone. We all have school runs, after school clubs etc. Being able to not work and focus on renovations during the day (even if your focus has to shift after 3pm) is far more of a luxury than most of us can have.

Do you genuinely think most of us are having child free weeks etc? The only parents I know who get this (aside from a minority of dads), it's because they've split with their child's parent and are sharing custody.

It's hard to get the most out of rehab when you return to the same environment that made you drink. A week for yourself will not make you sober because no matter how strong a person is the temptation is there to drink alone. There's a possibility your husband will come back knackered and you won't be much better off.

You said you get a sense of self-worth from being productive, that's something to take to a meeting. Doesn't have to be AA as the spiritual aspect can be a bit much, SMART works too. Sorry if I sound preachy, but this is the reality everyone who wants to quit has to face even though you're already dealing with a lot. It seems unfair because it is. You can take those podcasts on holiday, as PP have said every bit helps.

Um yes, I was meaning your husband can work round school hours. So not a week off, just earlier finishes and later starts.

but it appears you’re now in a bun fight for who benefits from his week off. He tried to have you both benefit with the holiday, but you want to take the full benefit, and have him take the kids so he doesn’t get any break. As you said, it’s not time off with them.

Start where you are, OP. I do understand the temptation to want everything just so to help you stop drinking- the house to yourself, time to focus, the stars aligned etc- but this is perfectionist thinking that is contributing to your addiction.

Step 1 of recovery is fully understanding that every time you drink or don't drink, that is a choice you have made and not the inevitable outcome of external events.

I agree with PP above that "there is no try"- that's just giving yourself an excuse before you have even started. Assuming no physical dependency (and you've said you can stop for a few days) stopping drinking is the simplest thing in the world. Simple is not the same as easy, but the way that you do it is you just do it, even though it is hard. People find different things helpful, whether that's AA, quit lit, podcasts, therapy, spiritual practice or whatever, but in every case these things are secondary to the actual decision to quit.

Sounds like you all need a holiday. I would treat that as something separate from the question of your drinking.

If it makes it easier for the holiday get yourself some alcohol free beer/lager/wine/gin etc (depending on what you drink). That way you will still satisfy the feeling of having a drink but you wont be having the alcohol.

I switched to non alcoholic sparkling wine when I gave up alcohol (I was drinking far too much). It satisfied that need of having a glass of something by my side in the evening but it didn't take me too long to then stop having that (it tastes revolting lol).

If he booked it without discussion you are under no obligation to go.

Giving up alcohol would benefit your family more than one week of holiday.

The truth is isolating yourself from your current life works. It works. That’s why rehab works. Then you can reintegrate yourself into your life with a week.. two weeks or six months of sobriety.
The duty of caring for other people detracts from your ability to care for yourself. Over time this becomes compounded and your problem worsens.
I feel like I need to isolate. Every ounce of my being feels like that. I am no use to anyone in this state anyway.
I will push my feelings aside and go on the holiday to please everyone else and make another attempt to not drink. Maybe it will work this time. I am certainly not resigned to failing as many of you have decided.
As I said I will not come on here again. Many of you have been very helpful. Many have been the opposite.

Theres a board on here for alcohol suppott, worth checking out if you want more help and less judgement

Best of luck to you on your path

Is this a case where he's stropping because he can't get so shitfaced in charge of two kids if you're at home alone and you're stropping because you can't get so shitfaced in charge of two kids so want to be home alone?

I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to leave him with the kids all week when you don’t work and it’s his only break from a 6 day working week to enable this.

You can go to AA every night on a normal week. I have been, there are lots at all times and you can even attend them online if tired. It sounds like both of you need a break but you can’t take one because you have children. I would have spent the holiday money on a week of camp or childcare for the kids.

And I have stopped drinking. Once you make the final, comitted decision that you won’t drink and you mean it… then you stop. If you’re still saying that you doubt it or you’re just waiting for an excuse then you won’t stop. You need to decide. Choose. Choose not to drink and you can.

Apart from MN there are also forums like Sober Recovery (US based but open to all) and Talking Sober, both can be a lifeline when it's not possible atm to get away from it all; it helps to get that validation from those that know what one is going through. Best of luck to you.

He says he feels alone and insignificant.
Just because you prefer not to go on holiday with him at this time? Or are there deeper ongoing issues in your marriage that makes him feel like this? The fact that he's also saying he's "dying" makes me think he's not in a good frame of mind. Neither of you seem to be, to be honest.

It sounds like you could both do with a complete alcohol detox - you want it, but does your husband? Maybe a sobriety journey can be something you do together? You could go on a dry vacation, that way, he gets his vacation and you get to focus on sobriety. I actually think a trip is a nice way to go about this as there will be lots of fun things to do on holiday that could distract your attention away from alcohol, and make you see that you don't need alcohol to have a good time. But I'd be concerned that your husband wouldn't be able to make it past day one without a drink, which, of course, would make your own sobriety journey difficult. That's something to think about.

Alternatively, he could go on vacation with a brother, sister, friend for a week, and you could stay at home in peace with your sobriety efforts.

There are options, but they require an open mind, I think.

No because he’s said he’s exhausted from 6 day work weeks and needed a holiday and Op has made him sole parent for the week instead. He expressed his deep need for a break and she basically denied him.

It's not selfish... its the timing. You are trying to cram a list of undone things and then feeling really bad about it.

Of course you need to prioritise your health and well being. You and your whole family depends on it.

I think you should go on the hols.. as a change is truly sometimes as good as a rest and you won't be looking at the undone renovations feeling guilty. Less washing too as you only have your holiday clothes to deal with. Hopefully a few fish and chips suppers so a bit less cooking too.

The weather's great at the moment, walks and picnics, have a good internet search to see what's nearby. And write a list - or get the kids to write a list of what can be done. Get them involved in thinking about how to make the most of it and to do a day plan. It is a tiring age, but I'd let them make some choices of what they want to do and get them involved.Your DC will be much easier to manage on holiday than they will be at home.

Can you hire bikes? Or do some water sports if you are near a beach?

Another thing we did at that age was that they had holiday pocket money... so instead of constant nagging for icecream they could buy it themselves.. it is amazing how careful they were with their own cash and it saved lots of nagging and squabblin.
Tell yourself you will sort out everything on your giant To Do list when you get back.
You need to make a realistic renovations plan, allowing enough time to do things. I've got a spreadsheet... and its really satisfying to tick things off. Some jobs are much shorter than you think... some take a lot longer.

Are there any online groups that might help you that you could access whilst on holiday? Get as much tips and advice as you can... and start making a plan.

Also start using the Drink Aware app. It's really helpful in showing you how many units you are taking and where you are slipping up.

There's all sorts of soft drinks you can have, non alcoholic beers (which I think taste just the same). Stock up on those for the caravan.

I would give your DH a pass for the first day/two days if he is truly exhausted. We are always extra tired on the first day due to the run up and the travel and everyone is content to just rest. But let him know that he's getting time off but its share and share alike.. Day three will be your day. He takes over. That should give you a bit of space.

You sound tired out. Have an early night tonight if you can and try to relax. You may feel much better after that. Also another advantage of cutting back on alcohol is that you actually sleep better .(bring a sleep mask for the caravan. Its a drive to hols by the sound of it,which is much less work than going abroad.

Hope you manage this. Best of luck.

There are AA meetings online every single night. Go to one.