Would I be wrong to skip the holiday and focus on sobriety?

[Mumoftwo654]

Hi all,
so to start.. I definitely now know I have a bad relationship with alcohol. I have been trying to stop for a while now and cannot seem to manage. I go a few days and then always drink. After, I feel bad the next day but by day three I’m drinking again. This is also in spite of me having a constant pain in my upper right abdomen. I am terrified about this and still cannot stop.

So, my husband works a lot over the summer. He is home at 7pm and has one day off a week. I am occupying our two primary school age boys. I have really been struggling with their behaviour. One has adhd and they love each other but bicker all the time. Absolutley constant. I am not working right now - although meant to be renovating. I would like to do something for myself soon though. We also have no family that can help us at all.

The point of the question.. my husband booked a holiday. He said he is knackered and needs one. He also drinks more than me. As the holiday approaches I feel quite broken. I would like to stay at home instead of going to try to stop drinking without the stress of daily life for a week. I plan of going to aa in the evenings and getting some productive things done like diy… as I am feeling very unproductive in life atm.. I always feel better when I feel productive. We are also kind of living in a nightmare as I haven’t had any time to get on with renovating the house.
My husband is annoyed at me for not coming. He says he feels alone and insignificant. He is definitely very tired and has been drinking too much too and working loads. However, after I told him I was not coming for definite and explaining why he said a few hours later “I think I’m dying”. I think he is referring to his health and being literal.

I honestly do not know what to think. Am I being a dick here?

Thank you. I have not had a drink today and we’re off tomorrow. Hopefully I can get some time under my belt x

Thank you hugely for this ❤️

I don’t disagree with you that many people with alcohol issues fail to quit multiple times. I certainly did.

What people who have quit successfully know is that the last time does not feel like an accident or a lucky break or the right confluence of circumstances. Rehab can be the start of successfully quitting but many people have been in and out of rehab multiple times without the quit sticking.

What makes the difference is the absolutely rock-solid belief that this time you cannot go back. You’re not going to try to quit anymore. You are going to do it no matter what because you’re literally the only person who can make that choice. You can feel your mindset shift, and while yes, you might experience the same challenges that you didn’t get through the other times, this time you are more clear-sighted about the fact that the challenges cannot be a reason to pick up.

I agree with the poster who said that the holiday should be a time to practice being kind to yourself and make a plan to quit, but you need to do the quit in your everyday life, as that’s where it will live. It is easy to romanticize the idea that if you can take a break from your life to make the start of the quit easier then the quit will have a better chance of sticking.

Frankly I am not that much of a believer in rehab for most people as I have seen too many go through it multiple times without success but I will concede that if someone needs physical support during the withdrawal process then a detox rehab is necessary.

I don’t need a lecture thanks and you have wildly misinterpreted or perhaps just misread what I’ve written as you seem to be attributing things to me that are the opposite of what I’ve written.

Hi OP. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted to say PLEASE get some medical advice ASAP, I really think you need to talk this through with a professional.

Best wishes.

Well done on not drinking today.

Even if you don't, as PP have said a holiday is not the best time to stop. You've already done huge strides in recognizing the problem, you've asked for advice and everyone has said more or less the same thing. It's not enough not to drink, there have to be changes throughout one's life.

That means being "selfish" actually. Women especially have been taught "selfishness" is a bad thing when it's actually vital to our self-realization and survival. Being selfish to an extent is what sobriety is about because it's about reconnecting with yourself. It's an uphill battle with your husband maybe not agreeing he has a problem but you can absolutely do it as long as you're ready to commit to changing more than your drinking. Have a lovely holiday.

I am of the view that every trip to rehab will have formed a part of that person’s eventual recovery.
I also think that sometimes getting through initial hurdles, like my third day, are far easier when your extremely sensitive nervous system does not have to contend with the stressors of normal daily life. Even if someone does not require Librium or a benzo or whatever, they are fragile. By day three I feel absolutley raw and unable to cope with the smallest of things like my kids screaming eg. I am twitchy, anxious and incapable of relaxing and when I do have a drink it just feels like taking a rest from all that effort and stress. Is your brain not in a withdrawal state for quite some time really? Anything to ease that initial burden is surely a good thing.

"Once you have your mindset right, not drinking ever again is easy, mostly effortless even."

Direct quote. From you.

And it is true. You even lectured me that most sober people are not white-knuckling it every day, which is exactly what I said means. An important word in my sentence is “mostly”.

Everyone has moments of challenge but success comes from having the mindset that there is no possibility that having just one drink (or a few drinks) this one time will fix or relieve whatever problem you have.

Maybe, maybe not. Plenty of people who go through rehab don’t have an eventual recovery.

Believe me, I understand what you are saying about stressful environments. I got sober on my own, while living in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship, with two kids under 10 and a “partner” who was still drinking and actively undermining me. My nervous system was wrecked (I actually had an autoimmune disorder that only resolved after I got out of that relationship) and to be honest I am still a pretty delicate flower when it comes to my nervous system.

What got me over was actually finally making the decision that fuck it, no matter what happened or how stressed I was, drinking was never going to be the answer. Not on raw days, not when I was relieved to get out of the house on a rare night with friends, not after another fucking stressful fight with my ex. It was an option that was off the table for me permanently.

I can tell you it is a mindset shift that you can feel. Before you make the decision it feels like a hard decision because you are still stuck on the idea that alcohol might help if you’re really really stressed. Once you make the decision that it’s just not an option, your brain is forced to find other pathways to help you cope… and it does.

I hear you. Well done. What an achievement. It sounds like alcohol may have been your solution until you worked out your actual solution.
I feel like I need to make some changes in my environment to help me find myself a bit. I’ll be doing that after the holidays.

Yes, since quitting I have found other solutions but to be clear, I did not have a clear plan of other solutions at the time I quit.

Really all I had was the decision that the solution was not alcohol. It is so easy to keep alcohol in your back pocket as a solution because honestly it is typically the fastest and most effective way to feel better in the moment and if there is a choice between that and whatever other option you’re considering, there are good odds you will choose alcohol. You only choose the shittier option if you have convinced yourself that alcohol is not on the table.

Tools like learning how to emotionally regulate and relationships and meetings and books and all the accessories can be helpful or interesting in different ways but at the end of the day, nothing in the world actually prevents you or I from going to the shop and buying a bottle of wine other than a solid mental refusal to consider doing so.

I agree. At least for those who are not
physically dependent, the key is removing the desire to drink. I’m not saying that initially that is easy, but we can do hard things.

@Gengha

Not sure what you are arguing against me for, here, to be honest?

The removal of the desire to drink is the goal but in practice it is not always a straight line in reality. It seems like you know / have experience of this, like I do?

I just objected to @CamillaMcCauley who has what comes across as an almost self righteous attitude that it was simply a matter of willpower and nothing more, which to someone struggling is quite a demoralising perspective.

Alcohol is cunning and baffling. There is a reason why we talk about "daily reprieve" - if it was just as easy as "just deciding" a lot of people would not be in the situations they are in.

As for the circumstances in which you got sober @CamillaMcCauley well done you. You are a better "recover-er" than those who had to go through rehab multiple times - I guess? Have you ever considered how much courage it takes for people who went to rehab and all that entails and didn't "get it" the first time but still went back to try again? Seems not. I actually admire people who fall down but keep trying.

I guess you have superpower level willpower. I prefer to have compassion and respect for anyone, in any circumstance, who is trying and keeps coming back.

There go I but for grace.

I have never once said it’s a matter of willpower, please stop misquoting me. It is far more a matter of acceptance than willpower, kinda the opposite thing really.

The OP and other people seem to be finding some value in my perspective, so while you may object to it, perhaps you can just leave me to offer my experience. I’m not trying to stop anyone from offering theirs.

I was a heavy daily drinker for a number of years and now 5 years sober having gone nowhere near AA or rehab. That good enough experience for you?

also, who was arguing? I was agreeing with another poster. Nothing to do with you.

I agree it’s not willpower. Notwithstanding any physical addiction issues, removing the desire to drink is in fact the opposite of willpower. Willpower is white knuckling. I think that poster doesn’t realise the difference between putting in the work to remove the desire to drink and willpower.

Also, and again, this is just a perspective, but I do not think that alcohol is “cunning and baffling”. Alcohol is an addictive substance, nothing more. It is our own minds that can be cunning and baffling.

Desire is always searching for an excuse or a loophole, and our own minds are what provide them. That is why getting mindset right is absolutely necessary to maintain sobriety with a sense of peace and ease.

You are literally arguing with me for no reason.

Of course acceptance is the key - that is Step 1. Acceptance of powerlessness does not mean it is a matter of willpower, it is a matter of surrender!

That is exactly what I have been saying. You have been projecting the idea onto me that I am saying it takes willpower when I have repeatedly said the opposite.

My biggest issue with @CamillaMcCauley and @Gengha throughout this feed is the way in which both of you go about making your arguments. @BeetrootLentilsGoatsCheese is exactly right when she says that there is a self righteous undertone.. particularly to your earlier messages. Now you are simply trying to defend yourselves. I nearly said to you @CamillaMcCauley yesterday that it was nice to see you soften and it was a shame you didn’t start off that way. Kindness goes a really long way. There is no need to put people down who are going through the exact pain you once did. Your messages read like an attack. They did not have the effect of lifting someone in pain up and showing them hope. They did the opposite. Hopefully going forward you will both be far more compassionate when addressing someone with whom you should understand more than most.

I think there can be a tendency for people someway down the line of sobriety to oversimplify how fucking hard it is. Yes, you can look back at your 3 years; 5 years of not drinking and say ‘I just accepted it’ but surely you can also remember how hard it can be to reach that acceptance?

It sounds to me as though @Mumoftwo654 has started the work in realising she has a real problem and is looking for ways to solve it. I hope she finds the way.

Ex-drinkers can come across as exceptionally preachy although I get that it comes from a good place. It’s just very abrasive at times.

I don’t feel self-righteous and I apologise if I have come off that way. I genuinely hope that people will have the same experience I have been able to have, which is to be able to walk away from alcohol after problematic drinking for a long time, and not look back.

I do feel very clear on what made the absolute difference for me after multiple attempts to quit and it was getting myself out of the mindset that I needed a certain set of circumstances or timing to make it work, and realising there could not be even the smallest amount of mental wriggle-room around whether I would stay quit or not. It had to be a permanent “no”, as stupidly simple as that sounds. I had to stop arguing with myself about it and just accept that was it, with a sense of peace.

As we all know, drinks don’t just find their way into our hands of their own accord, so the entire game is a mental one. Sobriety comes with a whole load of aphorisms that when you are not living them sound simplistic and trite and unhelpfully obvious and when you are living them become deeply profound and striking for how much truth they convey in so few words.

I really can’t explain it better than that. All I can say is that if you can you sit still with yourself for long enough to genuinely decide that the way forward for you is to never have another alcoholic drink ever again, it will not feel like you are looking down the barrel of a life sentence but like realising you’ve been holding the key to the jail door the whole damn time.

@CamillaMcCauley Agreed. Acceptance that you cannot drink is key. And it is liberating. It’s the Allen Carr method; it’s many people’s methods. It’s just hard to see that for some in the early days.

I have found that people further down the line, knowing this, can seem so strident. And it’s just offputting which is the opposite effect to what’s intended.