Would I be wrong to skip the holiday and focus on sobriety?

[Mumoftwo654]

Hi all,
so to start.. I definitely now know I have a bad relationship with alcohol. I have been trying to stop for a while now and cannot seem to manage. I go a few days and then always drink. After, I feel bad the next day but by day three I’m drinking again. This is also in spite of me having a constant pain in my upper right abdomen. I am terrified about this and still cannot stop.

So, my husband works a lot over the summer. He is home at 7pm and has one day off a week. I am occupying our two primary school age boys. I have really been struggling with their behaviour. One has adhd and they love each other but bicker all the time. Absolutley constant. I am not working right now - although meant to be renovating. I would like to do something for myself soon though. We also have no family that can help us at all.

The point of the question.. my husband booked a holiday. He said he is knackered and needs one. He also drinks more than me. As the holiday approaches I feel quite broken. I would like to stay at home instead of going to try to stop drinking without the stress of daily life for a week. I plan of going to aa in the evenings and getting some productive things done like diy… as I am feeling very unproductive in life atm.. I always feel better when I feel productive. We are also kind of living in a nightmare as I haven’t had any time to get on with renovating the house.
My husband is annoyed at me for not coming. He says he feels alone and insignificant. He is definitely very tired and has been drinking too much too and working loads. However, after I told him I was not coming for definite and explaining why he said a few hours later “I think I’m dying”. I think he is referring to his health and being literal.

I honestly do not know what to think. Am I being a dick here?

No they're right, the reason why there are long waiting lists is because it's a brutally hard truth to accept and many have to hit their rock bottom for them to commit fully. It's not as simple as meaning it in any case, it always takes daily hard work. It's not down to discipline, will power or a flawed personality.

Everyone decades sober did it that way, some with multiple relapses, very few do it on the first try. As harsh as it sounds, a lot of addicts who say they can't get sober do not try hard enough (meetings/social pressure/commitment to sobriety), or they do not want to get sober.

Online meetings are available 24/7 for moral support if in person is not possible.

With a drinking partner it is that much harder though because you can't ban alcohol in the house.

Just stop drinking altogether, Op. It is bad for your liver. Enjoy water and putting the cash towards the renovation.
Go on the holiday but don't spend one cent on alcohol. Come back energised and ready to crack on.

Suggest that DH cuts back the alcohol on the trip too. Take it in turns to look after boys - no drinking while child caring.

You could both die of Liver Cancer then the non adhd boy would have to look after the other one. Not fair!

Can you just try a limit on holiday? Only have a drink once kids are in bed and only two large glasses of wine for example (I know that sounds a lot to people who aren’t drinkers but I imagine Op has a high tolerance level). I think if OP could just quit she would have tbh.

I’m not making excuses for you OP, you clearly are drinking in a way that is literally making yous sick. Your children deserve better than having two parents who drink too much, you deserve to get up in the morning not feeling like shit all the time. But don’t get into black or white thinking over your holiday, don’t think “well I broke sobriety so I may as well have another and another and start tomorrow”. You need to go on holiday and you need to commit to managing your drinking while you do it.

I think that if the OP could just quit she would have

No, that’s the opposite of how it works. If the OP could just limit she would have. She can’t limit, so she needs to quit. Completely, forever.

All failed efforts at moderating or quitting are just the quitter convincing themselves they can renegotiate terms. Success lies completely in accepting there is no negotiation.

I don’t think this is ok either, your husband books a holiday as he’s exhausted and you use it as an opportunity to be kid free for a week and make sure it’s no holiday for him. That’s crap,

it’s also just geography , there is nothing to say you won’t sit and drink on your own,

you need to stop, and not make your issue your husbands,

I hear what everyone is saying. I will take it on board. Thanks. I think I feel sort of desperate.. depressed maybe. Hopeless and stuck. Kind of paralysed at times with the fighting and how bad I feel. I just want escape from it all for a bit to heal. It’s how I’ve dealt with everything in the past. Historic eating disorders and smoking. I would isolate, focus on myself and fix it. But these things predated the family. For whatever reason I’ve got myself into this hole and I’m feeling very stuck becasue I can’t do what I always do to fix it. I have to find a way of fixing it in the midst of everything. I’m just feeling very much like a server and a bit lost inside maybe. I can’t put it all on my husband for a week though. I will go and do my best. Thanks ❤️

Well you can, don’t do that, the woe is me bit, play the martyr, just not that week. It’s incredibly selfish.

I actually think this is a good idea !!
Go on holiday and set out a plan together tell him if he wants you there he has to compromise !!
I know it must be hard the drinking I would get yourself down to AA Asap get yourself steady before I go away !
And use holiday as reset in all honesty being sober u might actually cope better with the children eventually it can't be easy I do know but I have to work together that's what marriages are x

I think I’ll stick to Reddit in the future. The posters generally have a much kinder tone than some on here. I agree with the overall sentiment but I feel that there is a bit of unnecessary bluntness and lack of compassion from some posters on here… bordering on a little cruel which becomes unhelpful and actually a bit counter productive.

Is wanting one week in the last three or more years to myself when I’m truly struggling really “incredibly” selfish. The only time I have ever had without the kids are two weeks to carry out renovations over the past 12 years. I think my request to stay home is misguided and desperate. I think in all honesty I need help and am clutching at straws.

Thanks to all of you for your input.. some more than others! As I say I will look elsewhere in the future.

My last post was not directed at you or a number of others who were kind ❤️

On holiday, it might be a bit easier to stop drinking because you won't have your usual cues to start - do you normally have your first glass of wine when you're cooking the kids dinner for example?

You'll have to be super determined if your husband is still drinking round you but it is doable - I gave up in similar circumstances about 9 years ago (I've lost count😱 when i used to know exactly how many days! )

Would you be happy for your husband to say “ice booked a week for the family and a week for me to have some time to myself”
?
this is the reality of parenting

My husband has had multiple holidays with friends over the years. Some of these years there were no family holidays either. I have told my husband on multiple occasions over multiple years.. if you want to quit nicotine lozenges / vaping whatever .. go and stay at your parents for a week or two.. do whatever you need to do. He hasn’t done it and he’s never asked me for time to sort his drinking out.

I think it’s rather uncommon to find a mother who has only spent two weeks away from her kids in 12 years.. and those weeks are to carry out renovations which are unsafe for the kids to be around. This is not everyone’s reality of parenting.

I also take the boys to my parents for a week every school holiday myself because my mum has dementia. He has a fair bit of time to himself every year.

This gives me hope!

You have a lot on your plate and it can feel like drowning, there's no way around doing one step at a time. Every little bit helps though, getting the holiday out of the way and doing an online meeting some time after is still progress. Do you think you might be ready to see your GP about the pain and that you'd like to cut down?

A history of ED might point to replacing one addiction with another, it's not at all unusual.

Does your husband want to quit vaping/drinking? You sound much further along than him.

Most parents I know haven't had more than a night or two 'off', once in a blue moon. Two nights is the most I've had away in nearly 10 years, and I'm luckier than most. My husband had had maybe 5 nights off once (and a few work trips).

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a break without your children, but to dump it on your partner last minute, and skiving off the family holiday is pretty rubbish, both from a spouse and a parenting perspective.

I also don't understand how you apparently have no time to yourself to do the renovations despite not working and having school age children.

Have you been to see your GP @Mumoftwo654? It really sounds like you could do with some medical intervention and support. If you want to quit drinking you should really do it with support and help and I'm not talking about AA, I'm talking about medical support (you may be able to access the medication antabuse, which makes you ill if you drink). You say you think you're depressed and are feeling desperate - it really does sound like you need some help and support with this. Your DH clearly isn't providing you with any and your DC are adding to your mental load. ADHD is often inherited and if you and/or your DH have ADHD you are more likely to exhibit compulsive behaviour around drink, drugs and/or food. Please don't try and do this on your own OP. Go and see your doctor and be honest about what's going on

I think you’re missing the point, no one is saying you can’t have one week. What’s being said is when your husband tells you he’s exhausted, and he needs a week off, so has booked a holiday it’s a bit shitty to then make him take the kids so you get the week off instead as that’s no holiday for him and you know it.

so plan your week, just don’t take his.

OP, it does sound as if you are stuck in several directions and I completely understand why you would want a week (or even a few days) for yourself.

It also sounds as if you and your DH do not discuss these things in depth or detail.

My suggestion is:

1. Go to the Dr and get your pain diagnosed and sorted! It may be nothing , in which case relieve yourself of the worry (and the pain!) - it may be something, in which case get it dealt with sooner rather than later (and get the pain relieved). Does your DH know about this pain?
2. Talk with your DH. Explain why you said you don't want to go on the hol, discuss this between you - including how he feels. He is bringing in the cash (and is exhausted) you are undertaking significant childcare and renovation (and are exhausted). Try and avoid competitive exhaustion and look at how you can each help each other - come together as a team again. Can you each occasionally take a weekend day on your own, for e.g?
3. Discuss your drinking openly and honestly with him including the role it played in saying 'no' to the hol. Your shared responsibility as parents (one needs to be sober to take care of them in case of emergency at caravan, for starters) and how you look after each other in the short term and longer term (potential health issues) to not let alcohol undermine your parenting responsibilities, marriage or health. It sounds as if you are both using it as a response to stress and exhaustion.
4. Discuss the reno project realistically. A list of things you can and cannot do when the kids are in the house. Times (outside the holiday) that he could take the kids for a day. How does he use the rest of his AL?

It is admirable that you are honest with yourself that you have a problem with your drinking - but there are other areas of your life where both of you could be building more strength in your teamwork, leaving you feeling less alone and desperate.

I wish you all the luck!

And also to your DH if he imagines a caravan hol with 2 kids incl ADHD will involve much relaxation - but hopefully you will have fun. Wear the Dc out and get them in bed and leave you some peace in the evenings.

I have been working. It’s relief so I can
take the holidays off. The plan is to have a break from working to get the renovations done and then hopefully do something else after.

I am aware of switching addictions.. it’s a possibility.
he talks about wanting to quit things but never seen any real evidence of this.

This. Get some books, listen to some podcasts, audiobooks etc. Annie Grace is good, also William Porter, Catherine Gray, Clare Pooley. Alcohol isn’t easing your stress, it’s making it worse. I’m nearly 5 years sober after years of heavy daily drinking, I also have 2 boys, and went nowhere near an AA meeting. Good luck.

Ok, so you get time to yourself to do the renovations in 4 weeks time. That's not long.

When did you finish work?

And no, wanting time to yourself when you have small kids is not unreasonable. It’s hard and relentless being a parent at that age. But, it’s unfortunately unrealistic for a lot of people.

Thanks for this! ❤️