Would I be wrong to skip the holiday and focus on sobriety?

[Mumoftwo654]

Hi all,
so to start.. I definitely now know I have a bad relationship with alcohol. I have been trying to stop for a while now and cannot seem to manage. I go a few days and then always drink. After, I feel bad the next day but by day three I’m drinking again. This is also in spite of me having a constant pain in my upper right abdomen. I am terrified about this and still cannot stop.

So, my husband works a lot over the summer. He is home at 7pm and has one day off a week. I am occupying our two primary school age boys. I have really been struggling with their behaviour. One has adhd and they love each other but bicker all the time. Absolutley constant. I am not working right now - although meant to be renovating. I would like to do something for myself soon though. We also have no family that can help us at all.

The point of the question.. my husband booked a holiday. He said he is knackered and needs one. He also drinks more than me. As the holiday approaches I feel quite broken. I would like to stay at home instead of going to try to stop drinking without the stress of daily life for a week. I plan of going to aa in the evenings and getting some productive things done like diy… as I am feeling very unproductive in life atm.. I always feel better when I feel productive. We are also kind of living in a nightmare as I haven’t had any time to get on with renovating the house.
My husband is annoyed at me for not coming. He says he feels alone and insignificant. He is definitely very tired and has been drinking too much too and working loads. However, after I told him I was not coming for definite and explaining why he said a few hours later “I think I’m dying”. I think he is referring to his health and being literal.

I honestly do not know what to think. Am I being a dick here?

I bet you wish he was supportive of your sobreity. Would he go to
Al Anon meetings?

You don’t need to give me a lesson on sobriety, I’m 5 years in.

You seem to be making excuses not to just crack on and looking for solutions that aren’t compatible with your life, and then snarking at people who point this out.

OP I started The Alcohol Experiment, This Naked Mind 30 day’s while on holiday. It was such an eye opener. Worth a bash. Every day has a bit of reading, it’s very good.

My brother warned me that a lot of recovered alcoholics are actually still quite toxic.. just because you are in recovery does not make you a good person. It certainly
does not mean you know everything. You have not walked in my or anyone else’s shoes.
Some people lose everything and everyone dear to them before they manage to get sober. A lot of people sadly never manage at all.
Going online and bashing people struggling through it for trying in the best way they can goes against everything AA teaches. Everyone tries in their own way and rehab is absolutely necessary for some.
I hope you feel good about yourself. You certainly have not helped my journey.

I’ve had another chat with him about it. He says he’ll really try to do it dry with me. I’ll go back to aa after.

I think he should prob be doing aa too!

There's also smart recovery if the AA meeting times don't work for you. It can be quite brutal on here.. Please do go try the alcohol support board in health and go to the long running thread of people trying to abstain and stop drinking completely, they really do seem a really understanding, compassionate bunch.

OP you cannot ignore that pain- it sounds as if its located where your liver is.

I mean fair play to him, he will be doing it to support you, not as he wishes to and it’s his holiday, now he’s to do it sober, many people enjoy a few drinks on holiday, he can’t, but it’s either this or you leave him with the kids. the kids you feel are very difficult.

The guy works long hours six days a week, needs a break and is now facing this, lose his hol or do it sober, and your role is staying home with the kids, you aren’t wven doing the renovations you do when they are in school,.

if this isn’t just you fancy a week to yourself? Have you seen your gp? If you’re serious about stopping then do it now, make a doctors appt, go to meeting and stop now.

I am packing for a holiday I am forcing myself to go on. I have not said that I can’t quit. I deeply hope that I can do it. I certainly don’t want to be where I am forever. I am saying that I have been looking after the kids alone for 5 weeks and almost every day has been really tough. I am saying that all of my attempts throughout that period have failed. I am saying that I would benefit from a week of hard physical work without the emotional burden of the kids fighting with each other and constantly hosting social events for them. I have nothing left in me. My husband however wants me to do it for another week so I am going to do that and I am going to AA after. Sorry for being such a terrible failure of a human being. I am clearly so terribly inadequate, selfish and down right awful for not doing and feeling better.

Thank you. I will try that instead

I understand, I’m the child of an alcoholic and related to a bunch of them too. I’m thinking about her getting through the holiday, trying to go cold turkey in these circumstances will likely result in a bad binge,

i have actually told him that I will go whether he drinks or not. Thanks for the favourable assumption.
what’s this rubbish about the renos. I stopped working just before the hols. I will do the renovations when the kids are in school after the holidays.
I have seen the gp twice. I have been to two meetings and already said I will go after.
what was the point of your post exactly? Flex your knob muscles. Stop already.

I agree that you need to find a way to take time for yourself and get healthy. No, its not too much to ask to have some alone time.

DH should not have booked a holiday that you were not prepared to go on. That is on him.

You need to get to the GP asap, get them to order a scan for your liver and find out what help they can provide for your addiction.

You know you have a problem and its wonderful that you want to take ownership and solve it.

And, your relationship with your DH might need to end if he isn't willing to stop drinking too. Sounds very unhealthy.

Okay, there’s a few things going on here. One, I cannot say enough about planning for sobriety and doing it when you’re ready. I’ll be totally honest in the middle of the school holidays and while away in a caravan holiday with a heavy drinking partner is probably not the right time. I’m 3 and a bit years sober now. My day 1 was the day the kids went back after the Easter holidays. I could not have done it with them home. I could not have done it on a family holiday. I took several weeks off work and treated it like rehab as you are suggesting, I exercised, went to meetings, listened to podcasts, slept.

Sobriety is about relearning how to live your life without alcohol. I’d do it while living your life. That means you need to make changes to your life that support that. Your dh needs to become available to take on more parenting so you can look after yourself. That may mean changing around working patterns. It may mean getting up with the kids so you can go to yoga on a Saturday morning. That almost certainly means restructuring your lives together so it’s not built around alcohol. He can do that even if he drinks. My dh still drinks, though with me now sober, I’d say he drinks at least 60% less and sometimes doesn’t drink for a week or two at a time.

I think you need to use this holiday as practice for looking after yourself. That doesn’t mean don’t drink. Again, I’m not sure a holiday is realistically the right time to get sober. You may be setting yourself up for failure without the right supports in place. But planning time for yourself every day. Go for a walk on the coast path every morning for 2 hours. Bring a book and make sure your Dh takes the dc out so you can read it or listen to a podcast. Plan things for the evenings with the kids that involve more than sitting around the caravan drinking.

You absolutely can do it, but you do need to be ready when you make that leap. I cannot tell you how much better my life is now 3.5 years down the road. I’d never want to go back to drinking. I don’t really even think about it now. I’m quite happy to not drink in social situations. I’m quite happy to tell people I’m sober. I’m very proud to be the parent amongst my dc’s friends who can always come collect them in the evening. My dd calls it my superpower. She said, you don’t drink and can always pick us up. That’s your superpower! ☺️ There is such a bright future ahead. It really will change your life and you won’t look back.

Oh come on OP. The self pity isn’t an attractive trait. No one wants to get addicted to alcohol and it’s not your fault. But you have to take responsibility and the life and situation you have is the one you need to make work. Wanting to quit is good. When I stopped I didn’t want to quit but I wanted to want to, and that was enough. The mental load of worrying about the damage you’ve done to yourself is making everything worse to deal with.

Why can’t you both go on the holiday, but both agree to not drink? That way he gets his holiday and you get some support to stop drinking..

This is sarcasm and I don’t give a shit how attractive you think I am.

Thank you to the ends of the earth for this. This is truly helpful. I nearly cried with happiness reading this. You fill my heart with hope and I truly want to live your life one day ❤️ well, my life his way!

This is rubbish.

If you have managed not to drink alcohol before your holiday do not do this.

But if you are still drinking: Do not take your favourite tipple(s) with you. Take some really strong squash that your DCs and you like. Have a drink of squash when you feel the need for some alcohol during the day. Try not to take your DH's tipple with you. If you both want some alcohol one of you can go to the local shop and buy an amount for that evening and only have a drink to accompany a meal if you really must and encourage your DH to do the same.

Hopefully you will come back with more hope for you and your DH's future. Have a lovely holiday.

Can you send the kids to camp for the odd few days so you get some time to yourself?
Or do reciprocal play dates with his classmates so sometimes they’re at yours and others times they’re out?

You need to holiday as a whole family though.

It really isn’t. None of the long-term sober people I know are white-knuckling it through every day. They all reached the point where they realised it was sober or nothing. True acceptance of the absolute finality of it is a relief.

But a lot of them have had a hell of a journey to get there. A lot of failed attempts. Every single story I have listened to at a meeting is littered with trying and failing until they get it but they wouldn’t get it without the trying. The trying is part of the journey towards sobriety.

It is actually the refusal to give up
trying that finally gets you there.

Effortless? Are you mad? Do you know anything at all about alcoholism?

First off, people need to get past the physical and mental dependence.

Then there are stages to recovery.

First and foremost - there may be a physical dependency. As well as mental associations. OP can go 3 days and then caves - that suggests she has cravings or triggers around her.

Assuming she gets over the de-toxification stage, even after the body re-calibrates to the lack of alcohol physically, OP will need to look at her lifestyle, routines, learn how to manage cravings, eliminate triggers and consider revamping how she socialises.

There are phases to recovery - the "pink cloud" stage is often followed by a lower mood stage when the reality of trying to stay sober becomes just that. Many people feel and/or act depressed at this point.

Many many people with long periods of sobriety relapse because of complacency, triggers, unexpected life events etc.

I don't know why you think everyone is white knuckling all the time - many are not.

Many are blindsided when they relapse.

Working a program which is what you need to do for consistent sobriety does require consistent and repeated effort, lifestyle changes/ deliberate decisions and a supportive environment and network - not just willpower from the drinker.

@Mumoftwo654 I have PM'd you details of an AA group for mums. You can do it online. It's a wonderful supportive community.