Ex-husband's partner contacted me about his alleged affair years later

[Annabanana81]

I split up from my ex-husband over 12 years ago - in summary, the relationship was on the rocks and then I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague. I thought I’d moved on completely with my life and rarely think about him. However, yesterday I received a phone call on my work phone from his new partner, asking me to accept her friend request on social media as she needed to discuss certain things with me. I was at my desk and extremely taken aback so just said, yes, ok. I then received a whole series of messages asking me to call her to discuss my ex’s behaviour, because she thinks he’s having an affair, she wants to know how he behaved in our relationship, is this what he’s like etc etc I haven’t really answered so far but I’m a bit freaked out at being tracked down (I live in another country now) and don’t really want anything to do with this woman, who sounds unhinged. Would you engage with her messages? Has anyone else ever tracked down a partners ex to quiz them or is this as bizarre as I think it is?

I wouldn’t engage tbh. She obviously got with him knowing he’d had affairs in the past 🤷‍♀️. I wouldn’t put yourself through the stress of going through it all again.

HA karma has bitten her in the bum. I wouldn’t dream of helping her but if I was bored I’d listen to what she has to say so that I had a good story to tell my girlfriends.

Why would she know he had affairs in the past? Why is it karma for her? OP didn't say she was the other woman.

OP I would send her one message saying sorry but I don't want to revisit that part of my life and then block.

Is this new partner the one he cheated on you with?

What goes around comes around...goes all the way back around. No idea why that's in my head!
I wouldn't have engaged with her in the first place.
Why would she possibly think he'd be faithful? Block her. Don't be childish and send messages about karma, a man who marries his mistress etc-just ignore her and get on with your life.

i think I misunderstood this to be his affair partner

Sorry, should have been clearer - I think she’s a newish partner and not the person he cheated with. I think the relationship with affair partner only lasted six months or so!

I didn’t read it as she was his affair partner but read it as she was aware he’d had affairs in the past? Either way I wouldn’t wish to engage and get involved with any part of his life again and I’d tell her that and leave it at that.

I think I will just say sorry I can’t help and block. Just surprised at how shook up I feel about being contacted by this random woman, especially at work - I really thought I’d successfully moved on but this has left me feeling really off balance

I have to say a mixture of empathetic girl-code and ghoulish curiosity would probably make me respond.

This happened to a friend of mine - except it was about emotional abuse. I honestly can't remember how fully she answered - but basically the woman (not the affair woman, she was long gone) was asking 'was he like this with you' - and I think she answered along the lines of "yes - run a mile.'
It's entirely up to you if you answer her - but I would share your unease at her tracking you down if she wasn't the woman he had an affair with, and so "knew" of you. She must have serious detecting abilities.

Me too!

I had this. The OW thought she was the love of his life until he cheated on her too and then wanted to meet me to discuss him. I told her what would happen at the beginning. 😆

Just seen OP’s updates so removed my pre ious comment. Interesting he came clean to her about cheating on you and didn’t just say you ended amicably.

Are you sure she’s unhinged or has his behaviour made her act that way? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say you won’t be elaborating, but confirm he cheated on you.

Reply that, given he was a cheater, she needs to listen to her gut. You do not want to revisit that terrible part of your life and can not engage with her, sorry.

Honestly OP I wouldnt respond. I was contacted by my ex’s girlfriend and I avoided the messages. I don’t want to hear about him and I already knew he was cheating on her/ with her and probably several other hers because that’s who he is. You have a different life now don’t be pulled back into his seediness. Surely if she’s reaching out to you he’s cheating and she knows he is

Just write back “WTAF did you expect? He’s always been a cheater.”

I think your response is the best one. Just say you can’t help. It’s really not any of your business. The woman has to go through this herself.

However, that it’s unnerved you is understandable. This has been bolt out of the blue. It has reminded an emotionally painful period of your past. I wouldn’t be quick to make self judgements about you not being as ‘over it’ as you thought. It would be upsetting for anyone.

I agree with a pp, I would at least confirm he cheated. She sounds very distraught. I wish she hadn't contacted you at work.

it’s pity.
You feel this way because you have moved on and yet he hasn’t.
he is still doing the same thing over and over again.
you were hoping he’d learnt something from your relationship and change.

you are a far more mature and intelligent person than him and that’s why you feel this way.

pity is a funky emotion!

It’s nothing to do with you any more. Block her. You really don’t need to respond and is not you responsibility.

I hope you’re not feeling too jangled.

I think I would respond.
She is essentially a version of past you.
She’s not the OW, so she is just another woman who your ex is treating shittily. However that’s not her fault.
Would YOU want to have been told at the time?
I wouldn’t let your discomfort stop you from replying to confirm yes, once a cheater always a cheater. And then block her if that makes you feel better.

even if you did engage there nothing you could realistically do to help her
I wouldn’t reply or get involved

I would write a brief note explaining that he was a cheater etc. Then say you have found it upsetting to be reminded of a difficult time, you wish her well but please don’t contact you again.