Ex-husband's partner contacted me about his alleged affair years later

[Annabanana81]

I split up from my ex-husband over 12 years ago - in summary, the relationship was on the rocks and then I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague. I thought I’d moved on completely with my life and rarely think about him. However, yesterday I received a phone call on my work phone from his new partner, asking me to accept her friend request on social media as she needed to discuss certain things with me. I was at my desk and extremely taken aback so just said, yes, ok. I then received a whole series of messages asking me to call her to discuss my ex’s behaviour, because she thinks he’s having an affair, she wants to know how he behaved in our relationship, is this what he’s like etc etc I haven’t really answered so far but I’m a bit freaked out at being tracked down (I live in another country now) and don’t really want anything to do with this woman, who sounds unhinged. Would you engage with her messages? Has anyone else ever tracked down a partners ex to quiz them or is this as bizarre as I think it is?

I would do the same It is unnerving when the past comes back to haunt you in strange way., and why would you want to drive up buried memories for someone you don't even know.

It sounds like she's asking for counselling and support so perhaps she doesn't have any friends , but she could get some private counselling from a professional if she needs to talk to someone.

I would at least tell her that he cheated on you

I would say yes he had an affair but you cannot answer any more questions. The person that has the answers is him. It was a long time ago,

I don’t understand why you’d not help her or why anyone would think it is karma, or she sounds unhinged, and your op was clear she was a new partner.

id certainly help her. Your partner cheating is always a horrible time,

people are so mean to others, I find it shocking,

If she had been the affair partner, I'd just block her. If she had nothing to do with the break up of your marriage, I might - possibly - reply.

But you feel shaken up by this OP, and it is odd and unfair of her to track you down. There must be people in her life she could turn to. It's selfish of her to use your previous pain as a checklist for her doubts.

The distress of being betrayed can drive you a bit mad. I’d be kind to her but not engage too much, making it clear my response is the final communication.

Something like:

Yes, sadly it does sound like he hasn’t changed much. I am sorry this is happening to you too - it is so painful, isn’t it. This has brought up painful memories so I’d prefer not to communicate again - I’m sure you understand. Best wishes.

I would reply something along the lines of:

I do not want to be involved in any of this and I didn't appreciate being contacted at work. My marriage with X ended 12 years ago after his affair and I do not want anything to do with him or his life. Wishing you the best.

(And block)

I would reply, once. I would say, like a pp suggested, that you don’t want to revisit this part of your life in any detail, but his infidelity was the reason for your break up and you hope she makes the right decision for herself.

Then block.

She’s essentially just another woman reaching out and asking for help. I don’t necessarily think it’s bizarre. She probably sounds unhinged because she’s going through a lot and in a desperate place.

Ignoring someone in that position wouldn’t sit right with me No way to know what her story is and how much she knew about his past.

I think there’s no way this can be nice and that is his fault for being such a poison chalice of a man.

Given my life experience I would grit my teeth and confirm with her though. I lived a decade of an abusive marriage and it was only when I was out that his ex wrote to me saying he’d also done that to her, she’d had to leave with Refuge etc… I wished she’d done it before and felt shortchanged of my choices and chances.

this happened to me… contacted by his fiance saying she thought he might be going to prostitutes. I didn’t care about the man in question, so it didn’t bring up any super horrendous feelings, but he had been a bit sordid and had been seeing someone else too so not happy memories. I did reply and just said to her the fact she is contacting a total stranger (trawling through his old phones?!) tells her everything she needs to know about him and the state of their relationship and good luck!

I understand how upsetting that it, especially as you’ve moved on and moved country.

I would reply like you’ve suggested, and explain that you’re not comfortable discussing it, you don’t the man and haven’t spoken to him in a long time and do not want to revisit a particular hard time in your life. Wish her well and then block. Make sure you block the number too.

Message back he's an ex for many reasons and then block.

I would reply. Very briefly but I would say yes he cheated, yes he does seem to be untrustworthy, and I’d run. But I don’t wish to be involved or contacted again. And leave it at that.

I don’t think it’s that weird. I personally wouldn’t do it but I can see that trying to figure out a pattern of behaviour in him would support her.

The general support here for women being cheated on is usually huge. And this woman thinks she’s being cheated on, reaches out for help, and the majority answer is fuck her put her in her place.

what’s actually wrong with people.

op, I’d respond and say I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can’t really get involved, but yes I can confirm the marriage ended due to an affair, any further detail you will need to get from him and I wish you the best of luck.

please be kind enough to tell her he cheated.

Agree with @Potatoespotaarrrrtos . No need for drama, there was nothing in the OP to say she was the affair partner so I’d just do her the favour of confirming he was a cheating prick but please don’t involve me further.

"I'm sorry for your troubles but ts your marriage, you need to work through this yourself. I divorced him for cheating. Thats the most I can say on it."

Nahh I’d block her and not give it another thought. No one is spoiling my peace!

Do not say a word. She will immediately go back to him and say '@Annabanana81 said so and so...' and you will be embroiled with him again.

Exactly
The fact that she has contacted Op
means that she knows that he is a cheater .
There really isn’t any need for Op to confirm anything .
This will open up a can of worms and that cheating ex of Op’s may decide to contact her to ask why she is getting involved in his relationship .
Op needs to block and move on .

This

Same. I would want to help her.

But OP's peace has alreadybeen disturbed hasn't it? Even if she does what you and some pp suggest and ignore this woman who has reached out to her OP's memories have been resurrected.

What is wrong with showing a bit of kindness and confirming this man cheated on her but that she doesn't want to be involved with what he is doing now?
I don't understand why some pp think this woman doesn't at least deserve that. She must have been very desperate to track OP down.

I had similar after I left my ex (we weren't married, no children) but it was months down the line I was contacted (she was the OW!). It was by phone, no social media involved, and I did speak to her. She thought he was having an affair....with me!!! 🤣🤣🤣 I think I laughed, and told her that the best thing I ever did was leave him, so no he definitely wasn't having an affair with me, but as she wasn't the only one he was seeing whilst he was with me, then it's possible!!

I would reply back and say that you have moved on with your life. You don't want to be reminded of a man who made you deeply unhappy. If she believes he's having an affair, then she needs to listen to her own instincts and to read up on The Script. Then ask her not to contact you again by phone or SM. Wish her well.

You then need to block her on social media. If the call was put through to you at work, then you need to see if they can block the number or ask for more screening before the call is put through to you.