Ex-husband's partner contacted me about his alleged affair years later

[Annabanana81]

I split up from my ex-husband over 12 years ago - in summary, the relationship was on the rocks and then I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague. I thought I’d moved on completely with my life and rarely think about him. However, yesterday I received a phone call on my work phone from his new partner, asking me to accept her friend request on social media as she needed to discuss certain things with me. I was at my desk and extremely taken aback so just said, yes, ok. I then received a whole series of messages asking me to call her to discuss my ex’s behaviour, because she thinks he’s having an affair, she wants to know how he behaved in our relationship, is this what he’s like etc etc I haven’t really answered so far but I’m a bit freaked out at being tracked down (I live in another country now) and don’t really want anything to do with this woman, who sounds unhinged. Would you engage with her messages? Has anyone else ever tracked down a partners ex to quiz them or is this as bizarre as I think it is?

I wouldn't engage. I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about my reaction either.

You know, I would tell her. You may save her months, if not years of her life. Of course she sounds bonkers, she’s probably being lied to daily.
I’m always astonished that overwhelmingly people will say that you should tell someone if they are being cheated on, but won’t ’get involved’ in these kinds of circumstances

I think there is a massive cultural taboo against women sharing information on this kind of man, and it's definitely for the man's benefit, not the women's.

For various reasons I'm in touch with several of the ex partners of an abusive ex (think SA and CSA). Sharing information is incredibly powerful, and these other women have been a source of strength and mutual support. One day we will see him behind bars, we're just waiting.

No, I've never, and would never, contact the ex of my current partner.

It's up to you, but I became fed up of accommodating everyone and their cat, doing favours for randoms, the getting nothing back when I needed help. So no, I personally a. Wouldn't help in your shoes, and b. Would never have made contact in her shoes.

I would probably confirm he did have an affair when he was with you ,tell her that you don't want to be drawn into this as you have put the past behind you now and then block. If you don't block, I suspect she'll come back with more questions ,Possibly tell him that you've confirmed, He'll deny it ,claim you are mad, she'll have more questions and it will be endless. but I would probably tell her that yes he did have an affair when he was married to you. but you will not be respond to any further contact

I agree with this. It's quite the overstep, but the plethora of responses urging OP to 'be kind', even suggesting that she owes this total stranger something by way of some mysterious, intangible 'girl code', were unfortunately predictable.

I will carry my own baggage and take responsibility for my own actions. I don't take on other people's, and this lack of boundaries would concern me.

There is no need at all to blow this up into something major. I'd simply respond that as I'm sure she understands, this chapter of my life has long since closed and I have no wish to revisit it. I'd tell her that I will not be engaging on this topic further, but wish her well. That's courteous, but draws a clear boundary that OP will no be drawn into someone else's private issues that have nothing at all to do with her.

If you get involved in things like this, don't be surprised when things escalate. It needs containing at the first base. This, in fact, is the kindest possible response.

What a drama. I would advise her just to use some common sense and simply end the relationship with him.

Im not convinced gaslighting a stalker is a thing.

if she doesnt trust the man she should leave him. She should not have gone to such lengths to track down his ex from over a decade ago who doesn't even live in the same country anymore on op’s WORK phone number. This is unhinged behaviour. Op should not engage at all.

I would reply with sorry I am unwilling to revisit the past. Please do not contact me via any method and do not contact my workplace/family and friends.

I think this is a difficult one.

I totally understand that OP had moved on with her life and does not want to rake over the past. However this poor woman must be feeling pretty desperate to have gone to the lengths she has to track OP down.

Maybe just a message confirming that yes your ex cheated on you but you won't be communicating further as you have moved on with your life, and wishing her the best.

A friend of mine was convinced her husband was having an affair with a woman from his past. Against the advice of absolutely everyone she contacted this woman direct. The woman replied to her, met up with her for a coffee and assured her nothing had, or would ever happen. Neither of them ever told the husband. The kindness this woman showed my friend meant a great deal to her, she could just have dismissed her as a nutter but instead she made the effort to engage and reassure another person who was struggling. This has stuck with me as an example of really decent behaviour.

Above I suggested one firm response telling her she's not going to engage, after which I'd be inclined to block. But on reflection, not engaging at all is probably the best advice.

People are too inclined to attribute their own motives to others who are nothing like them. They might want to ask themselves 1. What's to be gained from engaging with this woman? And 2. What could possibly go wrong? With that risk assessment the scales for me would tip strongly downward toward 2. Quite a lot as it happens, and all of it falls strictly into the category of what my friend eloquently terms 'another fucker's shit'. Who needs that in their life, especially from a chapter they've moved on from?

On the other hand I could make myself feel good for doing a 'nice' thing - and assume that because someone has asked me a question, I'm morally obligated to provide the answer.

OP isn't. You are right @LizandDerekGoals - I think I'd leave things there.

Op, just stay out of it .
If you confirm that he has cheated in the past he may want to contact you
He may accuse you of being bitter and jealous and before you know it all the attention is on you and not his alleged cheating
I think that contacting your partner’s ex wife is strange and I would be concerned that she is slightly unhinged. She is selfish imho
She didn’t even consider that she may be opening up old wounds for you
I personally would block her immediately , but if you want to be ‘ kind ‘ then send her a message saying that you do not want to get involved as you have moved on and are not interested in revisiting your past relationship .
Then block

This.

Just keep out of it.

I'd block, no response. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Your marriage ended over a decade ago.

I think that she is really out of line here. You don't know this woman. She stalked you for your contact info, cold called you at work and put you on the spot, boundary stomped, and wants intrusive info about your past private life. She also wants you to share distressing things and stir up painful memories. I would not do that and I wouldn't be her earpiece about his current behaviour. I think this is really unhealthy to engage with.

I would send a short, factual response. “Thank you for your message. We broke up 12 years ago because of X. He was unfaithful multiple times. I’m sorry you are having problems but I have moved on with my life and do not want to further discuss or think about him. I’d respectfully ask you not to contact me again. Thank you.”

Not the same woman, this is his new partner, not whoever he was shagging 12 years ago. But sure, blame the woman, blokes look like they could do with help doing that🙄

I dated a very jealous man about a decade ago and he did the same thing. We went through a challenging time and decided he’d contact all my exes to see what I was like. My exes, thankfully, all told him to bugger off. He wasn’t right in the head and, in hindsight, he needed professional help. Based on my experience, I’d tell her I’m not interested and that relationship was ages ago and then block her.