Ex-husband's partner contacted me about his alleged affair years later

[Annabanana81]

I split up from my ex-husband over 12 years ago - in summary, the relationship was on the rocks and then I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague. I thought I’d moved on completely with my life and rarely think about him. However, yesterday I received a phone call on my work phone from his new partner, asking me to accept her friend request on social media as she needed to discuss certain things with me. I was at my desk and extremely taken aback so just said, yes, ok. I then received a whole series of messages asking me to call her to discuss my ex’s behaviour, because she thinks he’s having an affair, she wants to know how he behaved in our relationship, is this what he’s like etc etc I haven’t really answered so far but I’m a bit freaked out at being tracked down (I live in another country now) and don’t really want anything to do with this woman, who sounds unhinged. Would you engage with her messages? Has anyone else ever tracked down a partners ex to quiz them or is this as bizarre as I think it is?

I think your response of not helping and blocking is quite a cold one. She is obviously very upset and while tracking you down on your work phone number is fairly inappropriate, most people ignore friend requests from people they don't know.

I would at least give her the basic details about the cheating and of there was any other abuse.

I'd be suspicious of whether she was genuine. How does she know your full name? First name, yes he would have mentioned it, but do you have the same surname as your ex?

Curiosity would have made me accept the request on social media. But honestly what good will come out of this. What if she tells him she’s been on touch with you, and he gets contact with you?
Why involve yourself in drama that isn’t yours.

I’d either block her with no response, or reply to say it was a long time ago, water under the bridge and you don’t want to get involved, wish her well and then block her

Nothing good will come of telling her details of your ex

"Yes, the marriage ended after his affair. I won't be discussing it further; it's been a long time and I really don't want to spend any time talking or thinking about him". And block.

Just say that yes he cheated on you but you’re not keen to revisit that part of your life and don’t want to answer any more questions.

Just say sorry you can't help and block social and phone.

Get involved and next thing it will be your ex contacting you when it's just far easier to say no.

You don't owe anybody any answers

I can only say what I would do, not what you should do. Out of curiosity and solidarity to women, I think I would want to hear her story and give her the feedback she's looking for. I don't think it's especially weird that she contacted you like this - on being treated horribly by a man in the past, one of my first instincts was to want to question his previous partners/wife as to whether he was like that with them too! I never did, by the way, but the desire was there. It's relatively easy to track down many people on social media etc. and in itself doesn't suggest anything sinister. However I would certainly meet her only once, and in a public place, just in case she is really unhinged!

I think that’s wise. If she’s bold enough to phone you at work I’d be very wary of any involvement with her.

Just say it was a long time ago you rarely think about it and have no interest in dragging it all up again. She was there the last time so she knows exactly what went on, why does she need you to tell her?

Yeah give her a good kick.

My friend was domestically abused by her bf when we were much younger. She did eventually speak to his ex after tracking her down on fb. She confirmed that he was abusive to her too, and confirmed a lot of her suspicions about lies he’d told her, and that helped my friend to finally see he wasn’t going to change and she finally left him.

I would say if you’re not comfortable, don’t engage. The last thing you want is him finding out and harassing you. But I don’t think my friend was unhinged for what she did, just desperate

Yeah hurl some abuse at her too, good for you.

You know it’s not the person he cheated on her with don’t you?

You don’t owe her anything, and I think I’d be a bit annoyed that she’s sort of demanding you help, like you’re as invested in this as she is.

However, in the interests of womanhood, I think I’d respond along the lines of:
“I’m sorry but I can’t help you. My relationship with X ended 12 years ago, so I don’t remember his behaviour, only the upset from the split, which is a time I don’t recall fondly. I don’t want to dredge up my past. My only advice is to follow your instincts. Take care.”

I would respond via social media. I wouldn’t let her have my phone number. Block her on your work phone. She sounds persistent and I’d be polite and kind to avoid any potential issues.

I’d reply too, my ex wasn’t abusive or a cheat but he was an irresponsible lying twat of a man child who left me with his debt.

If his current partner/wife contacted me now I’d take great delight in filling her in on some details and potentially ruining his life.

I have lots of exes they all ended amicably and I wish them nothing but the best. The last one, I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.

Can you reply with actually you have the wrong person?

Perfect! 👌🏻

Yeah I agree. He will be gas lighting her. She will be doubting herself. You can help her by telling the truth, briefly and then don’t engage further.

I’m surprised you think she is unhinged when she is struggling with the behaviour of her partner, behaviour that is the exact reason why you split up with him.

Yes I get why it’s surprising she found you like this - even though I suspect it could have been as easy as looking at his FB, finding you and then finding you on LinkedIn for example.

Or worried and scared. I’ve often seen women on here advised to do exactly what this woman has done - it’s not an irrational thing to do.

I agree, it’s weird not to respond and put her out of her misery. It’s the not knowing thing that drives you mad and she might feel more confident in trusting her instincts.

You’re already upset so I don’t see how helping the poor woman would make you more upset. Meanwhile this woman is torturing herself not knowing one way or another. Give her a bit of peace. You don’t have to go into details or have protracted conversations.

Mumsnet is so weird on this kind of stuff. I’m sure most of us would want to know if our partners were having affairs and yet they go all ‘it’s none of our business’ when given the opportunity to tell other women. It’s partly why these assholes continue to get away with it.