Ex-husband's partner contacted me about his alleged affair years later

[Annabanana81]

I split up from my ex-husband over 12 years ago - in summary, the relationship was on the rocks and then I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague. I thought I’d moved on completely with my life and rarely think about him. However, yesterday I received a phone call on my work phone from his new partner, asking me to accept her friend request on social media as she needed to discuss certain things with me. I was at my desk and extremely taken aback so just said, yes, ok. I then received a whole series of messages asking me to call her to discuss my ex’s behaviour, because she thinks he’s having an affair, she wants to know how he behaved in our relationship, is this what he’s like etc etc I haven’t really answered so far but I’m a bit freaked out at being tracked down (I live in another country now) and don’t really want anything to do with this woman, who sounds unhinged. Would you engage with her messages? Has anyone else ever tracked down a partners ex to quiz them or is this as bizarre as I think it is?

FFS don’t you start gaslighting her too!

Delete..block! .
Moved on to a new country and leave it behind.

Contact her closest eap and leave people alone who have move a new country.
No everyone wants to be dragged into others affairs and bs.
Go watxh love island and the crap you send us here.

Wow, he's really getting through them.

It’s seems like she’s trying to show a patten of behaviour, maybe it’s to protect someone. I’d respond to her, inform her that your relationship with him was not a good one. It’ll tick the bad relationship box rather than the good one.

If it's been twelve years since OP's divorce, her observations are surely a bit dusty now and it's time for this other woman to do her own work.

She's not the affair partner. She's done nothing wrong. No doubt she feels unhinged, she's with him.

I'd agree to speak briefly on the phone but not put anything in writing. I'd agree to answer any questions she had, tell her the truth and make clear that this was the only time is be willing to speak about it.

However you are thinking of responding to her, I would ask her first how she got your number or even how she knows anything about you at all. In the 12 years since you split up, your ex has no doubt had many partners. How does this one know so much about you that she is able to find your work phone number, when you live and work abroad?

If it were me I would actually respond. Don’t say too much just something along the lines of, trust your gut, he cheated on me but I can’t speak for his character now etc. nothing that can come back on you but she’s obviously distressed and a bit lost

Yes the same happened to me. I left the message sat in my inbox for a while but ultimately replied, but not going into too much detail as I didn’t want to relive it.

I confirmed enough to let her know he did it to be and clearly will never change.

Massively intrusive to contact an ex of 12 years.

And you don’t / can’t know whether he is cheating now and it isn’t your business to go diagnosing his behaviour now.

He might be cheating, she might be having a huge jealousy / insecurity episode that he might cheat after him having been honest about his marriage break up.

Just say you do not feel able to be involved and block her.

It is not surprising that you feel churned up. Moving on doesn’t mean that every memory and the feelings invoked at the time are erased.

She really had no right to contact you.

(a more recent ex and a woman suspecting EA I would have more time for)

It’s pretty common for women to do this.

Basically they are doing anything but leaving.

I would reply that you’re sorry she’s going through this but you have not seen him in 12 years so he’s a completely different person and you wouldn’t be of any help anyway.
Tell her that you’ve moved on and don’t want to drag up the past.

I probably wouldn’t block just because I’m nosey and would want to see what else she says but I definitely wouldn’t reply or have any phone calls with her.

I would just reply yes, he's acting true to form, that's why he's my ex and leave it at that, block.
I say this because speaking to the crazy ex wife / partner has helped so many women on here receive clarity and strength and realise that they are not imagining things.

I'm unsure as to how shared anatomy demands and would strenuously deny that there is such a thing as a 'girl code'. That's the patriarchy talking: the assumption that we will do that work for them.

We'd do women a better service by holding men far more accountable for their own behaviour.

So true - many women find out sooner or later that the ex was not actually crazy.

Personally I would tell her you split up 12 years ago because he had an affair and then block her. It’s the truth but I wouldn’t get into it any further and I wouldn’t be interested in hearing anything from her. She is clearly not having a good time if she’s contacting people from decades ago and the info might help her in some way to avoid more heartache, but it’s not your situation to deal with so one sentence would be enough. Can you block numbers on your work phone?

It sounds like she didn't know what he was like if she's a newish partner.

I would send one message .. along the lines of yes, we were married, he cheated on me with someone at work, no remorse, etc ... then tell her you're sorry, but you won't be engaging with her any further and are blocking her. Then do it and move on.

I would reply - once a cheater always a cheater and leave it at that

chocoluv · Today 09:31
It’s pretty common for women to do this.
Basically they are doing anything but leaving.

This is very astute. ⬆️ She's clearly got reason not to trust him, and wants you to add to her 'charge sheet'. Then he will sweet talk her round, and character assassinate anyone who spoke against him.

Don't feel bad that you accepted the first contact - you were clearly caught by surprise, happens to the best of us... 😉 But don't compound the error by getting drawn into their mess...

That's what I would do, but clearly there are lots of opinions on this. But really, with 12 years and a different country between you, there's every chance she would never have found you and would thus have had to do without the information. She can make her own decisions. As can you.

😄

How was the new partner to know this? He probably spun her a yarn when they met. She wasn't the affair partner

This is what I would do

hi new partner, we split up because he cheated on me... draw your own conclusions.. block

Please let her know that contacting you in this way at work in another country has shaken you. It was a negative experience and you don't think of him so to be reminded has been unpleasant and unfair.

"I'm sorry you've ended up in a relationship with this man who hurt me deeply and cheated on me to end our marriage. I can't give you any advice without trawling through past trauma and I don't want to discuss that man with anyone."

Then block.

It would be very grown up and strong of you to ignore her but I personally wouldn't be able to resist scratching the itch of letting her know how her communication with you has made you feel as it wasn't very empathetic of her to use you in this way. I do understand that she's probably feeling shit and stressed and upset at the moment and it does make a difference that she's not the one that he cheated on you with.

I also think a friend of mine could've avoided a terrible relationship with an awful man if she'd spoken with his ex and found out what he was really like without having to discover it for herself.

But it's not your responsibility to keep women away from him. Well done for making the break and I hope you're living a fabulous and full life wherever you are now.

I would send her a picture of a beautifully spotted leopard and hope she understood the message.