Should I rely less on my husband for emotional happiness?

[SooPanda]

Saw this recently on a thread about someone’s husband upsetting her basically and it has made me pause and think.

“you need to stop making your happiness and world revolve around him. He's not your carer and not responsible for your emotions.”

This is an attitude I’d like to relate to and something I think I need to work on.

My husband is a nice guy for all intents and purposes. He means well most of the time but can be careless, or thoughtless, and often upset my by making me feel un-appreciated. Then I get upset, but he struggles with conflict resolution and making up, I always end up brushing it under the carpet which I think is part of the problem as it becomes a cycle.

On the one hand I want to be able to rely on my husband to look after me and my feelings, the way I feel I do for him. But on the other hand, this comment about not letting a husband control your happiness has got me thinking. Would I be happier if I let things slide more and made myself happy in other ways. Or is this admitting the failure of the emotional side of a relationship- you’re supposed to want to make each other happy?!

If relevant, we’ve been together since sixth form college, married 10 years, 3 sons together. He works, I’m a SAHM. A lot of my upset comes from feeling like he doesn’t appreciate what I do at home 24/7 and how different it is from his job. And his inability to make me feel better when I’m upset about something small often spirals into a bigger argument about feelings.

My take on this ( as somone who has tried to make somone else happy) you are not responsible for his happiness and he isnt for yours.

You are responsible for yourself, yes your partner should be nice to you, and should want to do things to make you smile. But its still on you. Partners should be an nice extra in life, if he leaves tomorrow.you still want to be happy, so pick a life you love. And a partner who can fit in to that

The main benefit of getting really good at making yourself happy is that you develop an extremely clear-eyed view of how much value the people in your life are bringing to it.

This is one of the reasons that I worked when I had small children (alongside financial reasons obvs). Without work, I knew I’d be hyper focused on the DCs in a suffocating way, and be demanding in my relationship in a detrimental way. Working gave me a whole lot of other stuff to focus on and think about. That’s my brain, not yours though.

my DH isn’t the best emotionally so even from the start of our marriage I’ve always had my life and friends and people outside of the relationship that make me happy, I can also be super happy alone without him, I have no reliance on him being that one person, so in my situation I i was working and the breadwinner for many years so maybe I was just to busy to lean on him. He also has hobbies and friends who he sees.

I'm not sure how old your DC are, but would you consider going back to work? You might find a sense of fulfillment that you are currently lacking. I'm not against SAHMs by the way - I used to be one when my DC were small - but I do think that your feelings of being unappreciated could relate partly to this. If you felt valued and respected at work then you wouldn't need your husband to provide that aspect.

I don't think it is healthy to rely on one person/one thing for your happiness. What if that person or thing goes? We need lots of sources to.contribite to our happiness. I don't think, however, that making that decision means that we should allow ourselves to be under appreciated by anyone.

Think going back to work could help too

I agree that going back to work and building up your own social life is a good thing to do in general. But I also think your DH should want you to be gappy, should appreciate what you bring to the table, and should be able to care about your feelings if satisfaction and joy. I mean—I care about these things for my children and dh. What is the point of being together if he doesn’t (sincerely) appreciate you?

Would I be happier if I let things slide more and made myself happy in other ways. Or is this admitting the failure of the emotional side of a relationship- you’re supposed to want to make each other happy?!

There is difference between a good/healthy/supportive relationship in which you take responsibility for making yourself happy, and a bad/unhealthy/unsupportive relationship in which you have to work not to become unhappy.

If you're relying on anyone else for your happiness, good MH and emotional well being then you will be very disappointed.
Happiness comes from within!! And the first tip is to drop the desire to be happy, the second is that your MH and well being become your top priority.

I agree with this.

I love DH and he’s wonderful but he’s not my entire life and he’s certainly not the only person who contributes to my overall wellbeing.

My advice is another vote for going back to work. The time you spend with your children will be more enjoyable and the time at work will be a break, of sorts. You will make new friendships, earn your own money and have some childcare, annual leave and pension!

It will go some way to rebalancing the relationship with your DH too.

Decentering my DH was the best thing I did for myself and my marriage. I don’t count on him for all my emotional support, I’ve built a network of other people and myself for that. I love and respect and appreciate him, but I also know I’d be ok if he left my life. When I removed the pressure on him to be my “everything” it also made him a better partner. I also released myself from the self induced pressure of being the center of his world. I think for long term happiness and fulfillment, you should build a life that has you as the anchor, not anyone else (this includes DC).

Would I be happier if I let things slide more and made myself happy in other ways. Or is this admitting the failure of the emotional side of a relationship- you’re supposed to want to make each other happy?!
what do you mean by this?
not doing anything in the house at all or accepting the house doesn’t have to be show home ready at all times?
plonking the dc in front of tv all day or accepting you’re not Mary Poppins and every day doesn’t have to be full of sunshine and activity.
how old are your dc?

Yes, there is a difference, but the OP's relationship doesn't sound bad or unhealthy (from the info she has given). Maybe not perfect, but not something to give up on.

That was in reply to @concertinacornflake

Agree with this.

My DH is a huge emotional support for me (but not my only support). I don’t think I’d want to be in a marriage where that wasn’t the case or where I was having to somehow offset his behaviour- although I’m not clear if that’s what you’re saying?

And obviously we’re all different.

I think both things can be true. You shouldn’t rely on your partner for happiness but huild a life that makes you happy that he can be part of. At the same time, if you feel undervalued and under appreciated by your partner you probably are. If he does not bring additional happiness to your life, I would work on making sure that changes, don’t know enough about your situation to know what that looks like for you.

Absolutely your wellbeing is your responsibility but that also includes your expectations of a partner. It sounds like your partner is potentially emotionally immature? Unable to support you and has no conflict resolution skills?

Some people get those things from other relationships in their lives and require less from their partner. Some expect more from their partner and if the partner isn't willing to evolve they end the relationship. What is always healthy is to rely on yourself firstly and make sure you're not being a victim in life. Knowing you have agency over your own wellbeing. How that looks is up to you op.

Well, yes, it's not fair to make another person responsible for your happiness. But, the whole point of being married is to look after one another. I think it's all about striking a balance, and not using your spouse as your sole sounding board.

I think focus on making yourself happy in the first instance and build other sources of emotional connection and happiness. But then assess whether your partner is meeting enough of your emotional needs objectively.

I find this odd, I certainly, don’t rely on my husband to look after me and my feelings, I’m an adult and it’s a relationship of equals. I do not need looking after

I don’t know if what you’re describing is about pinning all your happiness on your dh. It sounds more like built up resentment because of your household dynamic. You feeling chronically unappreciated for your stay at home role and brushing it under the carpet, means that you can’t experience a ‘small’ issue as a small issue, because each little upset can’t be felt in isolation, you’re feeling a cumulative effect of many unresolved upsets which is why it escalates into an argument about ‘bigger’ feelings.

This is the result of lack of repair in your relationship. Healthy relationships you should be able to come to a partner and raise an issue and then work through it together. You don’t even have to agree on the issue per se, but just recognising someone is upset and offering support and comfort, can make a huge difference.

So I see it slightly differently, if a lot of your unhappiness is due to the domestic dynamics in your household where there is an imbalance of responsibilities and this is causing you to feel resentful and under appreciated then it’s really only your husband who can help resolve that and he should want to resolve these issues because he should want an equal household partnership where each of you contribute (perhaps in different ways) fairly equally. That’s part of being a team, that’s partnership and partnership breaks down when these issues aren’t resolved. That’s different imo to relying on someone to make you happy - that to me is more about your innate ability to be happy being entwined with another person’a responses and actions towards you. Eg I can’t feel happy unless my husband pays me a lot of attention, gives me lots of affection, tells me he loves me a lot, makes me feel needed type thing.

Another vote for going back to work.

Is he your friend?

Yes, he's your husband; yes, he's the father of your children. But is he your friend?

When you think about your friends, you are responsible for not contributing to each other unhappiness; you are responsible for treating each other with kindness, consideration and respect; you are responsible for cheering each other up and supporting each other through hard times but you can't take on the responsibility of making the whole world a better place for each other; and you are not responsible for each other's happiness and/or managing each other's emotions.

That's how I see romantic relationships too.

Some people fall into the trap of making their partner their 'everything'. But that's impossible to sustain and not particularly healthy.

It would also be very difficult to find all of that in one person. And it's no one else's job to make sure anyone is always happy.

So, yes, you need to find other ways of making yourself happy.

If he actively makes you unhappy and you don't recognise him as your friend, that is a different conversation.