Should I rely less on my husband for emotional happiness?

[SooPanda]

Saw this recently on a thread about someone’s husband upsetting her basically and it has made me pause and think.

“you need to stop making your happiness and world revolve around him. He's not your carer and not responsible for your emotions.”

This is an attitude I’d like to relate to and something I think I need to work on.

My husband is a nice guy for all intents and purposes. He means well most of the time but can be careless, or thoughtless, and often upset my by making me feel un-appreciated. Then I get upset, but he struggles with conflict resolution and making up, I always end up brushing it under the carpet which I think is part of the problem as it becomes a cycle.

On the one hand I want to be able to rely on my husband to look after me and my feelings, the way I feel I do for him. But on the other hand, this comment about not letting a husband control your happiness has got me thinking. Would I be happier if I let things slide more and made myself happy in other ways. Or is this admitting the failure of the emotional side of a relationship- you’re supposed to want to make each other happy?!

Usually because he texts me asking how my days going, when he’s on lunch or making a cuppa.
We text most days, back and forth equally, his work is important but doesn’t mean he can’t communicate all day long.

I think it like that but more of a blindness, no that he doesn’t actually care but that he forgets to factor it in?

Ooh this is so interesting.

Def gives me something to think about. Thanks.

"this comment about not letting a husband control your happiness has got me thinking."

The irony. Because you see, if you have to brush your feelings under the rug to maintain the relationship, then he is already controlling your happiness. He controls it by refusing to engage in conversation/'not being good at talking' when it comes to your feelings or him taking accountability. If this wasn't the case, this thread would never have been made in the first place. By doing this he makes you miserable, and doesn't care, and you bottle it up inside, slap a smile on and pretend everything is fine. If that isn't him controlling your happiness, then I don't know what is.

You should be able to depend on your SO as an emotional outlet to talk about your feelings, that's what they're there for. If you don't feel you can express your feelings to your partner, for any reason, then you should either get them to work on that or find a new one.

No I do love it and I work extremely hard at it, and I’m bloody good at it - managing the family diary, budgeting, planning, holidays, events and celebrations as well as school stuff and the day to day cleaning, cooking and laundry, pet care, house maintainence, car maintainence, DIY, etc.
I absolutely do not do the bare minimum and would hate it.

You sound a bit envious and resentful of people who do live like that, but that’s not me, that’s not the life I lead and I’ve made that very clear.

I’m not asking to share the work load, or to do any less than I do now, I’m asking to share the emotional toll that life takes on us from time to time. And I feel it should be reciprocated between partners who care about each other.

here’s your medal for never having a headache and needing a lie down 🥇

Christ, your partner is not there as your emotional outlet. That’s so unhealthy to think that, of course you should be able to discuss your feelings but there is no way anyone should think there partner is there as their emotional outlet

I heard a talk from a relationship therapist a few weeks ago. A famous published one who said if you are expecting more then 25% of your emotional needs to be met by your partner then you are asking too much. I think thats about right. Ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness.

However, this does not mean that your should ‘not be upset’ by lack of respect or support. Or displays of deliberate unkindness.

I meant in terms of being able to talk to them, cry to them and cry in front of them. Be comfortable enough to actually be human and experience emotion with them, talk about things, anything. Beyond the small talk of "how was your day dear" "great thanks and you" then disappearing into the TV static for the rest of the evening. I didn't mean shouting at them etc. Just being able to talk about anything without being told they're not good at it so go away pretty much.

This is how I felt with my ex partner. I did and do everything and I liked doing it, but I wanted to be able to share the struggles with him and like you say the emotional toll it takes. Be heard by him and have him validate what I was saying in those really hard moments, especially. Unfortunately, he never did. Hence the ex!

Sometimes it isn't that we want physical help, we just need emotional support, especially from those we do so much for.

Sorry, I meant his stuff that he’s left out, like leaving his bike pump in the hallway for days after using it or obvious things like a crisp wrapper that has been left by a child or guest he could just pop it in the bin but by the end of the day I will be the one to do it.

And I don’t really mind if keeping the house tidy is my priority and not his that’s fine, but I would hope that he’d make an effort in some other way to show love / care / appreciation for the person who picks up after him; a kind gesture, a thoughtful idea, that shows that you matter beyond being the tidy-upper. I can see why I need to make myself happier inside but it does make me think that a marriage without caring gestures, and little nods to each other and their efforts, feels a bit bleak.

I heard something this week that really resonated with me. It said when you really know youve done the work on yourself, you have reached ultimate peace is when you don't need to feel seen, validated or understood. It doesnt matter - you dont NEED that. WOOOOAAAH!

Background for me (dont want to make this about me though) is abusive marriage for 20 years, single/dating for 8, then found 'the one' a year ago. He is amazing, but I still have these doubts and Im always looking for 'is he respectful, do i feel seen/validated/heard etc'. Hes not perfect (neither am I). but hes so kind and gentle and the polar opposite of my ex.

Anyway this was a recent thing I heard and ive worked a lot on myself (therapy and self-help books and just- time). But this really spoke to me.

How much appreciation do you show your DH for going to work and taking on the sole financial responsibility? Do you thank him for getting up early and sticking with his job, do you offer him a massage if he’s had a busy day and so on?

Thank you, I think that he definitely needs to work on his emotional side and also not have his head in the sand a lot. But equally I could probably let less stuff bother me and be a bit happier that way.

Is the issue you resent being a sahm in terms of what that involves, but you don’t want to work either? As that is what it reads like.

i see no issue with him leaving his bicycle pump out of a crisp wrapper. Its his house too, not a military camp.

Yes in a nutshell. I often tell him a lot how much we appreciate him, I am affectionate, I make a big deal when he has success at work, if he texts me something about his day I make sure to mention it when he gets home, plan family days and suggest things like films or days out that would interest him, buy him something I see he might like, make recipes he likes particularly, I dunno all sorts of things here and there, he always says how nice I am and that he feels looked after, I just don’t know how to get him to think about me the same way.

and if he has a headache I suggest a lie down!

What do you for yourself outside of the home, do you see friends, you mentioned hobbies, are they away from your home? I am asking as you have mentioned house stuff a lot.

Quite.

Im from a family who read all sorts of incorrect opinions into every breath I take. I hate anyone assuming what I want and think and need. DH is the opposite and really wants a mind reader wife.
We've both learnt to alter our communication styles and expectations. If DH is ill and wants me to do something, he has to tell me. Equally if Im sick I'll ask him to bring home dinner and he has to trust I mean what I say.
Assuming the other "must" see things the exact way you do is often fatal.

No I really don’t resent it. I like what I do and I’m good at it.

I don’t mind putting his bike pump away.
I do think that putting rubbish in the bin is everyone’s job. It’s our home.

But I want to be able to talk about my feelings, express sadness (with other things) without him brushing it off or deflecting, have my feelings considered sometimes, feel like he’s thinking of me in the same way I do. It’s emotional support I’m asking about on this thread.

The thing I’ve learned is that my husband does not always understand me, but he always respects me. We’ve needed to learn to communicate differently over the years (also together young) if I get passive aggressive or silent it just shuts him down, if I just tell him how I feel no games, he listens much better (funnily enough) DH is slowly learning how to stop bottling things up. I’ve definitely had to learn to let the little things go, and see things from his side, when I realise the intent behind things I can feel less intense. But as I say mostly, it goes back to respect and if you feel respected.

@SooPandaall the things you've listed...cooking, admin etc are just things most people do alongside a job. I know it is satisfying having a smoothly running home but it's not fully fulfilling surely?
I am definitely in the camp of not getting everything from a partner...HOWEVER one of my exes complaints was that we were too "separate" so I think a bit more "reliance" isn't necessarily a bad thing!

Do you have a good circle of friends ?
Do you exercise ?
Do you have any hobbies ? Or anything you enjoy doing to relax ?

@VimesandhisCardboardBootsthe gate / cupboard thing is fascinating...with ex things like that made me seethe, but with new partner I find it endearing...i presumed that was just because we're not 20 years down the line😅

Ideally, you shouldn't rely on any one person for your happiness – your partner's world shouldn't revolve around stabilising and lifting your emotions. However, they should want you to be happy, and bring happiness to your life through their thoughtfulness, consideration, and company. If you need to 'let things slide' in order to be happy with them, it sounds more like they're actively making you UNhappy.

Thanks I’ll look that up.

This is the dilemma I’m pondering really, the balance between being reliant (to an extent) on each other for happiness and emotional support, vs the idea of just letting things slide and not getting upset by a lack of care and attention (for lack of a better word), but ending up just sad and resentful.

Things will never improve if you don’t say something and if you feel like your partner has behaved insensitively you should be able to call it out, and ask for what you need, but equally it would be nice to have more internal happiness so that little insensitivity don’t feel quite so hurtful or impactful. It’s a tricky balance!

I suppose it’s a “pick your battles” scenario really, I can’t let it all go or I will bottle up your feelings and go crazy (MIL’s style!) but I can’t take everything to heart and be overly sensitive (my mum!)