Should I rely less on my husband for emotional happiness?

[SooPanda]

Saw this recently on a thread about someone’s husband upsetting her basically and it has made me pause and think.

“you need to stop making your happiness and world revolve around him. He's not your carer and not responsible for your emotions.”

This is an attitude I’d like to relate to and something I think I need to work on.

My husband is a nice guy for all intents and purposes. He means well most of the time but can be careless, or thoughtless, and often upset my by making me feel un-appreciated. Then I get upset, but he struggles with conflict resolution and making up, I always end up brushing it under the carpet which I think is part of the problem as it becomes a cycle.

On the one hand I want to be able to rely on my husband to look after me and my feelings, the way I feel I do for him. But on the other hand, this comment about not letting a husband control your happiness has got me thinking. Would I be happier if I let things slide more and made myself happy in other ways. Or is this admitting the failure of the emotional side of a relationship- you’re supposed to want to make each other happy?!

Why don’t you try couples therapy? It’s not pinning all your happiness on a partner to have the expectation of feeling appreciated and valued by them. Conflict resolution skills can be learned and practiced.

Great post.

i agree with hat and scarf. how old are your kids?

id suggest you consider options for a part time job. working gives you a completely different view of life.

it might get you more respect from dh. a lot of dads seem to think keeping house/kids is easy and a lazy persons way to live meanwhile he does all the hard man work. and when it comes to looking after his own kids he does that by using the tv and not doing the ironing, cleaning the bathroom or gettimg them dressed and down to the shops for a few bits, so this easy parenting further confirms it’s easy and lazy and he starts to resent her lazy lifestyle funded by him. which is all nonsense.

dunno if your dh is feeling like that but a part time job could really help your self esteem.

i also feel that a lot of me think your parenting is 24 hours as they work. er nope. yes sahm should work all day on parenting but why is she the only one working of an evening? shes still parenting. ie working.

nope. he shouldn’t get to relax and so nowt while shes doimg dinner, dishes and bath/bedtimes. it’s his turn to share parenting when he gets home. same as you. evenings should be shared.

I stopped expecting to rely on him.

he was thoughtless and careless and that was just the way he was. I did become a lot more clear sighted about what he brought to my life.

i got out there and made friends who to be honest were more reliable than he was.

we did end up divorced but this was more to do with the stresses of covid (he coped spectacularly badly) than anything else

Honestly I think sometimes it isn’t that men don’t appreciate I think it’s a mixture of us being taken for granted but then also nobody appreciates what they do either so they don’t pass it on. And yes definitely you should both be responsible for your own happiness but then you should spread your happiness between ye too (which sounds ridiculous but ykwim)

Appreciate all the work comments but my youngest is key stage 1 still and tbh I’ve never had a job I liked and I love being a SAHM. I don’t resent being at home or doing the majority of the mental load, I like it and I’m actually good at it. The happiness issue arises when I feel like I’ve become part of the furniture and a little taken for granted with some of it. I suppose it’s a bit like in a normal job, you turn up and do the job of course but a little appreciation or positivity goes a long way to helping you feel valued and fulfilled in your role.

Where does one start?!

Partners should add to your life, not be your life.

Hmm. This has made me think about my overall support structure. I have a fairly distant relationship with my father and brother. My mother isn’t very emotionally supportive, she tends to be quite self-absorbed and uninterested in my life or problems.
I have a few close friends I can rely on and talk to but obviously they have their own lives, problems etc and we support each other equally.

So, is the issue that I’m seeking or lacking some kind of external input that I shouldn’t actually need, that happiness should come from within? And then thoughtless moments from my DH and selfish conversations with my DM perhaps wouldn’t affect me so much.

Oh no I don’t mind let the house slide, I’m actually quite happy doing housework but it’s not a show home. I mean let it slide when he does or says some thing that I find unhelpful, or doesn’t do or say something that I might need. Do I “let him off” to protect my peace??

Thank you,this is sensible actually. How does one start with this process?

This is an interesting thread…last year during an argument, my husband said ‘it’s not my job to make you happy.’ This was a turning point in our relationship and made me emotionally check out because until then I did think that partners should care about each others happiness, and not caring means that the feelings are not there any more and the relationship is in crisis. I might come back to this thread later when I have more time to read the different viewpoints.

Here and now!

I mean let it slide when he does or says some thing that I find unhelpful, or doesn’t do or say something that I might need.

Can you give an example?

However good you think you are at being a SAHM , your youngest is at school and you will need to return to paid work sooner or later. Working for financial reward will lessen the burden on your husband and make him see you in a new light. Your children will see you in a new light and you will value the respect accorded you by colleagues. Working means you and your husband will be more equal in terms of being joint breadwinners and you will be more of a team on the domestic front.
Working is good for you. There is a lot of research that supports the importance of paid work. It is healthy. Like other posters, I think you need to return to work asap. You have done a great job for your boys but they are more independent now. It will help you adjust to their growing independence if you are working.

But does your partner not do things that make you feel happy, valued? And equally does he not do things that make you irritated or disappointed? Surely you both look after each other in the ups and downs of the day/week/year? Take care of each other when struggling?

You are responsible for your own happiness and working out how you can be happy. It could be that seeing friends, eating healthy food, hobbies, watching films or whatever makes you happy.

In my view, doing all of this should be a choice. There is a difference between being a positive in someone's life - choosing to take care of each other through ups and downs - and having someone relying solely on me. And I don't want to rely on another person to that degree, either. It's not up to someone else to ensure that I'm happy.

It would be helpful to have examples of the things he does and doesn’t do that you’d like less/more of.

I agree that you shouldn’t not be relying on your husband to provide your happiness, but your issue seems to be fundamentally that you don’t communicate very well and you don’t like his behaviours. Do you love him?

Rightly or wrongly, he might not value your work in doing the school run, organising birthdays and dentists, and making dinner.

The harsh reality is that enjoying life as a SAHM is dependent on him paying for it, so your leverage in changing the behaviours you don’t like is limited.

This is such a tough one, and I think a lot depends on context.

My DH is autistic, and while he means no harm, he just does not have it in him to be interested in anyone else’s experience, and is functionally exceptionally self-centred.

He also requires a LOT of emotional support from me, without being willing or able to reciprocate.

Other human beings are basically just service animals in his life - irrelevant except to provide some practical benefit to him.

I have worked very hard to focus on my own happiness, and to get my own needs for 2-way-conversation and joie de vivre and cultural engagement and laughs and bit of a lighthearted moan met through female friendships.

But bloody DH feels left out, and always complains that I’ll do fun things with them and not with tim (even though he wouldn’t find the same things fun, and ruins everything with his moods and nitpicky criticisms and always wants to go home early, etc)

We are all responsible for our own emotional management, sure, but part of why we have relationships at all is to co-regulate, to bring one another back into balance when one or the other is down.

If you are with a person with low emotional intelligence or poor emotional management, you end up by default doing a lot of emotional processing for them, which is exhausting. And if they give nothing back you become very depleted and burnt out. And if they also resent your filking your cup in other ways, it becomes such a fight just to keep your head above water, spiritually.

I do find my soul has withered away.

I would be happier on my own, where I could be responsible for my own emotional stability without also being expected to provide everyone else’s. But I’m a caregiver & financially stuck, so I just lean hard into my friendships.

I mean, something unhelpful he does or says could cover a multitude of sins, from the minor like stacking the dishwasher the wrong way - or to something more major like refusing to look after the kids so you can go to a hospital appointment.

Can you give us examples of what you expect your husband to do to make you feel happy and valued? What has lead to arguments in the past? It's impossible to judge if what you are expecting of him is reasonable or not from what you've written.

I also think that as part of taking control of your own happiness you do need to have a bit of a think about what you want your future to look like. I'm sure with three young kids your days are still busy, but as they grow up they're going to become less dependent on you quickly. Maybe think about getting some qualifications for a job you would like or taking up volunteering. Just generally find some way to get validation that you are doing a good job without just relying on you husband.

I think it depends op.

My happiness isn't centered around what he comes in and says to me or how he acts in that I can be I na good mood if he's moody without feeling like I can't be happy unless he is.

However, if he walked in from work, told me I'm a fat lazy cow for not moving a plate and I'm a worthless wife because we didn't have sex last night, yeah of be angry and upset.

I don't expect him to centre making me happy at any cost, but I expect him to treat me with love and respect.

If I'm sad about something, I expect him to shoe interest in what's gone on, some empathy abc some support (so he might make tea or take over bedtime). I dint expect him to fix it, or to stare at me intently telling me how wodnerful I am for 3 hours, nor do I exle t hi mto tell me to stop being so miserable and grow up.

It really dleends how your husband is a actually treating you

I’m not sure what you mean, we talk and communicate. If one is upset we listen and comfort the other, talk it through . what do you expect him to do to make you feel happy and valued?

And yeah he annoys rhe fuck out me at times, and vice Versa, I simply tell him.

i have a happy loving long term relationship but i don’t expect my husband to do things to make me feel happy and valued. I simply am.

What do you mean?