Should I rely less on my husband for emotional happiness?

[SooPanda]

Saw this recently on a thread about someone’s husband upsetting her basically and it has made me pause and think.

“you need to stop making your happiness and world revolve around him. He's not your carer and not responsible for your emotions.”

This is an attitude I’d like to relate to and something I think I need to work on.

My husband is a nice guy for all intents and purposes. He means well most of the time but can be careless, or thoughtless, and often upset my by making me feel un-appreciated. Then I get upset, but he struggles with conflict resolution and making up, I always end up brushing it under the carpet which I think is part of the problem as it becomes a cycle.

On the one hand I want to be able to rely on my husband to look after me and my feelings, the way I feel I do for him. But on the other hand, this comment about not letting a husband control your happiness has got me thinking. Would I be happier if I let things slide more and made myself happy in other ways. Or is this admitting the failure of the emotional side of a relationship- you’re supposed to want to make each other happy?!

Yes I think part of it is about being vulnerable together and it jars for me when I express my feelings and he reacts as if it’s a conflict rather than a conversation. Or prefers to ignore and carry on as usual because feelings are hard to handle (his and mine!).

That does sound amazing, but a bit daunting!
😮
I will be researching this! But books / podcast recommendations would be much appreciated.

I find this such a weird attitude tbh. Your partner or others close to you are the first ones you speak to about stuff like this. If you can’t tell them you’re having a crappy day, who can you tell?!

It also smacks of “guy with big job doesn’t need to hear about your trivial shite” which is nonsense.

Sorry I can’t reply to everyone I’m trying hard to keep up.

I do wonder if I hadn’t mentioned being a SAHM if some of the responses would be different, it’s a very divisive issue it seems!

The way we see it, he works out of the home, I work in the home! I wouldn’t want him to do all the housework or whatever. And he wouldn’t want me working like he does. We excel in our own areas.

But someone mentioned respect and I think that does come into it, he’s highly respected at work and of course I respect him, his opinions and feelings, etc. I feel like perhaps because he struggles with emotional conversation and what I consider “making an effort”* - and it seems to have got worse in the last few years - it feels like he doesn’t respect me and my role like he used to which is potentially part of the sadness I struggle with.

*making an effort.. eg… Pick up a crisp packet that’s on the floor of your home, acknowledge that your wife has a headache today, remember something that’s important to someone else, allow the other person to express their frustration or sadness with kindness and sympathy not denial and defensiveness.

Your partner is not responsible for your happiness, but everyone needs emotional support and it is perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to be your primary source of emotional support, just as you would be for them.

Being stuck in a misery cycle and expecting your partner to constantly support you while you do nothing to help yourself = not OK

Regularly turning to your partner to process and share life’s ups and downs and expecting care, compassion and attention in response = perfectly reasonable

Why wouldn't he 'want you working like he does', though? And why would the wishes of a man who doesn't respect you and thinks that having a vagina means your job is to pick up his crisp packets from the floor of your shared house, have any weight with you?

It's disrespectful to leave rubbish around the house. OP isn't the maid and he's not too important to put a wrapper in the bin.

god the reading comprehension on here some times. She didn’t say who left the crisp packet, may have been him, may have been a child, may have been her. He probably didn’t see it.

i tend to have a protein bar sometimes i will put the wrapper on the floor nexy to the sofa, it’d highly plausible I may get up to go to the loo and not rush to put it in the bin, it always goes in though and my house is pristine as im very house proud, I’m not disrespecting my house or expecting anyone else to pick it up

good grief,

You're assuming rubbish is just there for a short period 'though.

Maybe the reason it bothers OP is because it's left as long as it takes for her to do it.

We are not islands and it is impossible to be solely 'responsible for your own happiness'. For most people, their main avenue of emotional support and happiness is their partner and when that is off in any way things get really hard. Of course he can't be all everything, you need friends, hobbies, work, community. But he should make you happy and make you feel appreciated and if he doesn't you guys probably need to talk about that.

The shit truth is that many of us are trapped with sub par partners and maybe they feel the same about us. In these cases, you can 'quiet quit' the marriage. Abby Eckells has some good pointers on how to do this, until the children are old enough and you can leave.

What specific ways does he disrespect you? Do you have examples. That will help. Thanks

Which goes two ways, I doubt he’s feeling any joy to be honest.

Probably true. A tragedy of long monogamous relationships unfortunately

Why not?

OP does her best to respond to his emotional needs, consider his moods & his he's feeling. She does a good job as a SAHP.

if you use TikTok take a look at ‘get you some business’

I mean, he presumably does a good job at work. She does a good job at home.

Difference is, she doesn't show up to his workplace and add extra menial tasks & undo the project he's working on. 😂

It seems to me all she's asking for is a little consideration and care.

While housework may be her job, picking up after yourself is a basic respect thing.

I understand you feel the sahm issue might have affected some of the answers @SooPandabut honestly I think that's because it's quite relevant! I mean it kindly, but it must have an impact on the dynamics

It’s not that he actively disrespects me but I do feel like he’s become a bit comfortable and forgets to make an effort now and then.

I’m aware my life is quite intensely in my home right now and that’s having an impact.

I would love to know what the suggestions would be if I did work though. In either a job I did or didn’t love. Because I think even if both partners work outside the home there should still be an expectation of kindness, making each other feel happy. I don’t feel like I’m worth less than that because I work at home.

I also think that it’s fine to do “the lions share” in the week but at weekends it would be nice to see our home and our relationship valued a little more, don’t leave things lying around if you know where they go, that applies to everyone, make helpful suggestions for weekend plans, don’t just wait for the fun to be organised for you. If one of us has had a hard week, shouldn’t the other take a little more of the weight at the weekend out of kindness/care?

Weekends are a real sticking point for me. At the weekend I think days out, chores, treats, plans, etc should be shared equally. We both deserve a rest and can achieve that by halving the “work”. If I do it all I have worked 7 days a week. He wants to have a nice fun weekend but won’t think of ideas or plans, or will put off doing something until the last minute. It’s noticeable in the school holidays when the boys are home with me and I’m planning nice things for them 5 days a week. Come the weekend I realise that I’m still doing that but for Dh too.

So many of us accept so little of our partners after marriage and kids. So many husband's treat their wives with barely concealed contempt and put in no effort after marriage at all. Imagine if he had treated you this way in the beginning would you have married him? No. He is taking you for granted because he can. Because now you're stuck and you have kids with him and no career. Just be careful with a man like this. Try reading Strangers by Belle Burden. No wonder young women are choosing not to marry and have children.

@SooPanda, Most people don’t love their jobs. I worked incredibly hard as a teacher. I started by envying the SAHMs who had time during the school day for their own social stuff. However it was quickly clear that by me working and earning and paying into a pension we were able to have a much nicer quality of life. We could afford to help them through university and give them house deposits. My MIL never worked and was very lost when empty nesting. I am proud of both my grandmothers who worked and my mother who worked. They didn’t have posh jobs but they took pride in providing for their families.

I don’t understand your point.

I think I’m very lucky to enjoy what I do. This is why I don’t think the comments about getting a job are helpful.

I know plenty of miserable SAHMs but also I know a variety of people with jobs they love or hate.

Yes, he's basically expecting you to do his thinking for him and not doing his share while you're "on duty" 24/7.

I doubt working would help as he probably wouldn't pick up his half at home & with childcare if you were. So you'd just end up stretched thinner.

I think you should carve out time for yourself and insist on more from him at the weekends. Maybe fuck off & do something on your own or with friends one weekend.

Because @SooPanda, Work is good for you.
Landmark UK research, led by the government review shows that being in good work improves physical and mental health. It provides identity and social status, amongst other things.

Ststistically, people who don’t work are more likely to have
Poor mental health: Joblessness links to higher rates of psychological distress, anxiety, and depression.
Physical decline: Long-term worklessness associates with higher rates of illness and medical visits. 1]

But is it better to have a job you hate? How would that help my mental health? I’d have less time for my hobbies, as well as planning prepping and cooking meals, so I’d be less healthy. I don’t lack identity, I just want my husband to reach out in kindness sometimes.
Surely the idea I’m pondering here is to find more happiness and fulfilment from within. Work is just another external source?