Should I rely less on my husband for emotional happiness?

[SooPanda]

Saw this recently on a thread about someone’s husband upsetting her basically and it has made me pause and think.

“you need to stop making your happiness and world revolve around him. He's not your carer and not responsible for your emotions.”

This is an attitude I’d like to relate to and something I think I need to work on.

My husband is a nice guy for all intents and purposes. He means well most of the time but can be careless, or thoughtless, and often upset my by making me feel un-appreciated. Then I get upset, but he struggles with conflict resolution and making up, I always end up brushing it under the carpet which I think is part of the problem as it becomes a cycle.

On the one hand I want to be able to rely on my husband to look after me and my feelings, the way I feel I do for him. But on the other hand, this comment about not letting a husband control your happiness has got me thinking. Would I be happier if I let things slide more and made myself happy in other ways. Or is this admitting the failure of the emotional side of a relationship- you’re supposed to want to make each other happy?!

I agree I would end up stretched thinner.
Def going to insist on more shared responsibility at weekends.

I was miserable and fat last time I was employed 🤣.

Also, “jobless”? I’m not unemployable and depressed about it. I had a skilled profession I could return to if I wanted. I have chosen to work in the home, provide for my family, and spend time with my children - surely more fulfilling and less depressing than spending time with strangers at work while someone else picks my kid up from school.

Surely it’s bad enough when your husband isn’t very nice to you, it must be worse to have a load of arseholes at work on your case too!

But bluntly, that’s no reason not to have a job. You’re the classic instance of SAHMs on here who married someone who doesn’t see the kids and housework as 50% their responsibility, and who then stops working because it’s ‘easier’ than requiring their sexist spouse to pull their weight.

No the reason not to have a job is that I’m happier without one than with one. And I don’t think having another responsibility and more people expecting things of me would be very good for me at the moment.

Yes, my husband and I used to be more equal and I think he’s got used to be being at home, also we have been together ages and so become a little too comfortable and he’s stopped making as much effort in many ways. It’s an issue many people have I’m sure. But what I’m wondering here is whether I’m being overly sensitive and should lighten up a bit, find more happiness from within. How much should we rely on our spouses for happiness?

(A job is not required for this. But mumsnet really disapproves of SAHMs I’ve learnt that quickly! I have the rest of my life to work but my youngest son will only be little for a few more years.)

So just continue to be unhappy enough to post on the Internet about being under appreciated and pick up crisp packets off the ground because your DH thinks that’s what you’re for?

I’m unhappy enough to ask on the internet whether other people feel that their partners are, or should be, a source of their happiness or whether happiness comes from within

I sadly agree with this. I have found it difficult as I get older and female relatives and friends that supported me have passed away. I often think oh if only I could ring……Sorry @SooPanda if that is a bit miserable. I think some PP’s have been a bit unfair to you on this thread. I don’t think you are at all unreasonable in what you want from your DH but as @ginasevern points out you are unlikely to receive it💐.

A source, yes. What's the point of a partner who never raises you up or makes you happy?

The sole source, no.

OP I think you've had an unreasonably hard time on here. Mumsnet is notoriously almost rabid about SAHMs. I'm not sure exactly why - jealousy thinly disguised as self righteousness for the most part I think.

If you are happy with the SAHM part of your life, how would changing that help your current situation? I enjoyed my SAHM years as I didn't have little kids to then outsource their care to other people, but that seems to be a minority view.

Anyway as regards your DH I think he has become lazy, both in helping out around the house and in his interactions with you. I think he needs a bit of a reset. In my SAHM years if my DH got a bit too complacent for my liking I took off on my own for a weekend to visit my sister or a friend and left him to it. That generally led to a better appreciation of what my day to day life actually involved.

As for should he be your source of happiness well surely yes at least partially, or what's the point in being a couple but I think you need to aim for being happy in/with yourself first and foremost and then whatever he adds is a bonus.

Thank you and I’m sorry to hear that you’re missing those you used to find support from.

Thank you for understanding my point of view.

The SAHM situation certainly is divisive on MN and although it is relevant I don’t think it is the crux of the issue.

I like the idea of a reset, I might have a think about this one. Not in a “see if you can cope without me” way, but more a “remember how capable you really are” way for him.

Meanwhile I’m researching ways to ensure that I am happy in myself and his input is a nice bonus as you say, not something I rely heavily on.

I don’t think one person alone should be 100% responsible for somebody else’s happiness even if they are married. Lots of things can affect anyone’s happiness. Feeling of self worth but also being appreciated by your partner and D.C./DPs etc. Having a full life with good relationships, hobbies and interests and a sense of purpose. Some of that depends on how you see yourself and the value you put on yourself. So whilst your husband definitely should care about your happiness and appreciate you as his wife I don’t think you should rely totally on him to make you happy.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding happiness in being at home. Working for “the man” is not some natural state that we’re born to do. It’s inflicted on us by capitalism along with the idea that it’s somehow essential for being a well rounded person.

That said, internal happiness does align with our external world. The external is a reflection of the internal. But sometimes you need to cheat it a bit and find things that light you up. Ask yourself when you feel most alive. What are you doing at those times? Pursue more of that.