Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

I posted something similar and my post was deleted.
This is shocking attitude.

A man suffers from possibly terminal cancer, in pain, and his wife is "oh poor me"

I read your other thread. Sorry to hear it is Stage 4. Reality is that most likely he has 6 months tops really and that the cancer has been growing for years and that maybe that was some underlying reason for him not fully chipping in. That is how I would rationalise it to myself. Please make the most of the time you have left with your DH, however hard. I would do little videos, voice notes for the kids and diary entries if I were him. Watch TV with them, make as many gentle memories as possible. Have lost various members in my family to cancer and my cousins lost their mother early too.

It is more nuanced than this, although you may want to consider why the post was deleted. I honestly don’t know why some are so annoyed still about the previous thread. I don’t think I even said anything that bad on it but God only knows! If it’s really bothering you maybe report the posts or something, I don’t know!

I do not dispute for a moment his situation is worse, but that doesn’t mean no one else is in need of support, I do, his children do, his parents do. In my case, I’ve been left with everything and it has made me reflect on our parenting journey and - I can’t pretend DH has been a saint until this point then suddenly became a bit difficult, it’s been a problem brewing for years I suppose.

Thank you for the kind posts (if you just came to announce you read it before - really - why!)

Parenting is hard. Hopefully we can all agree on that. Parenting little children is harder still. I know some differ in their view on that. Suddenly being the only parent who acknowledges or does anything for the children is very, very difficult and the dynamics are hard to manage.

Those who accuse me of lacking compassion, I’d say compassion is something you do as well as feel. I know I feel compassion but more importantly, I show it - by taking the children out, by doing all the need, by getting him what he needs. I care about him and have tried to stress he has my love and support but he does also have some resentment there, not for illness but because old memories are reemerging and I can’t help that.

Today was actually nice, they are (slowly!) getting easier and it is better being out of the house.

There is a part of the MacMillan online forum dedicated to those caring for cancer patients- apologies if you have already been pointed to this.

I once (as a patient) had a look on there - no idea why, poking at the mental scab probably.

Anyway, the first post I read was “why are cancer patients so f*ing selfish?!!!”. Which probably gave my head a good wobble at the time.

You are allowed to feel your feelings, and to vent as much as you need, and that might be a safer place to do it.

Please think about getting therapy for yourself if you can. My DH has finally got round to it, and I’m really pleased.

Also, until you have a plan for treatment it is pretty much impossible to plan for anything else. I hope you get some answers soon

OP it sounds like your DH is in denial now - and perhaps has been for a long time. Has he been attending medical appointments alone? The prognosis sounds very poor, and I wonder whether you are also perhaps fixating on things to vent emotion here (people mentioning hiit other thread, not understanding or giving good advise etc) so you don’t explode at home or with your DC. That’s completely understandable.

I would echo others suggestions to make contact with Macmillan. Sit in the car or the garden or the bathroom if you have to. You have likely suppressed your anticipatory grief but it will come to get you eventually and you’re going to be responsible for managing your DC’s grief too.

Sorry you’re all going through this. I’m sure your DH has regrets too and maybe you can find peace with each other before the end. 🌷

OP, I really don't envy you. I don't get the brigade that insist that because someone is dying or dead they have been some amazing person. Everyone has faults, and they don't magically disappear because of a terminal illness. They can get worse, as obviously he has a huge amount to deal with just now so his mental health is likely to suffer. But that doesn't mean you don't also have struggles.

He is possibly burying himself in work as a coping mechanism. It is a shame he isn't using the time he has left to spend with his children, but chronic pain obviously doesn't help. So working, separating himself from his family, is probably a way to deal with his illness and expected prognosis.

The school holidays are hard enough, without needing to make plans to be out every day. I'm assuming you work term time only, as you haven't mentioned needing to balance that with looking after the kids. Apologies if you've mentioned already, are their any friends you can arrange playdates with? For cheaper time out. I know you can't reciprocate just now, but I'm sure they would understand why. Obviously there are lots of great days out that cost money, and others that don't (beaches/parks). And you have said you have spoken to him about finances, have you mentioned anything specifically about the costs of the activities you are doing with the kids in order to keep them out his hair when he is trying to work? And that you are running low so could do with some help?

Also, financially, for when you get more information about his prognosis, worth checking any life insurance policies that may pay out early, even if they don't have critical illness, if his expected time remaining is under 12 months. Also, you many be able to access pension funds early, so worth taking advice on that (pension wise or a financial advisor).

Best of luck, it is only a few weeks until term time and they are back in school/pre school, and hopefully you can take a breath again.

Op I think you’re being very compassionate. He is being very selfish, knowing he has stage 4 cancer and choosing to spent his time remaining at work. It’s part denial, part ‘just him’ as you say he hasn’t been hands on at all.

if the secondary cancer is in his bone, he likely won’t have very long at all.

keep focussed on a) school holidays, the kids will be back in school in 4 weeks time. Could you even afford a little holiday? A few days in the UK to take yourselves out of the situation? Perhaps he can’t be on his own but if he can you might consider it.

one step at a time. You’re being brave in your decisions.

done forget at some point, you need financial clarity too. Is there any life insurance that might pay out on diagnosis? Death in service benefit from his workplace? Joint ownership of the home etc.

Some are missing that OP is just expressing her personal experience of the situation and venting and exploring difficult emotions. It doesn't take away from her DH's own suffering and incredibly difficult situation. That's just not the focus of the thread and it's not a competition.

@Switchnow I’m not angry. I’m more going ‘huh’ in bewilderment as I really don’t understand what people are so upset about, but if they want to endlessly ruminate on a thread from a couple of weeks ago i obviously can’t stop them! I just don’t understand how it’s helping anyone - me or them!

DH isn’t purposefully selfish but it doesn’t change the fact that he is. It’s been an ongoing theme for a while: illness has perhaps drawn attention to it.

Try not to focus on the posters who are complaining. You'll never please everyone on Mumsnet, you're better off saving your energy.

I just wanted to add also in relation to your last post; when we know relationships are poor there's a natural human assumption that there's time to fix them. Esp with young kids, where many relationships struggle, with the assumption it'll get easier as they get older and the competitive tiredness can end. An illness like this takes that away and it's ok to grieve for the lost opportunity.

Thanks. Thats what I was expressing, I think. You think you have time and then you don’t.

@aponyatblackbirdcottagegiven you can’t leave and I understand that, I don’t know if it helps to know at least this means your financial position - yours and your children’s - will be a lot better if you’re still married. No inheritance tax between spouses.

I know you’ve said you can’t talk to your DH. Would it be helpful to just get it off your chest to him? He needs some home truths. How does he want his children want to remember him? How can he still choose to prioritise work over spending time with his family in the face of a terminal diagnosis?

He might not change but holding it all in isn’t good for you

It will be a lot easier to have the conversation about how he wants the dc to remember him, and how he wants to spend his time, when you have some more concrete information.

And to be brutally honest, he isn’t going to turn into a new, tolerant, patient dad when he stops work. He’ll still be in pain, still be in the lounge, still want the room to revolve around what he wants, given he’s ill and in pain. He’ll dictate what’s on TV, tell the dc to stop climbing on him etc.

He isn’t going to suddenly appreciate the people he lives with, and organise with them in mind. Is he?

How bloody unreasonable.

His dying and his way of dying is causing his partner ENORMOUS problems.

It is possible for both sides of that relationship to be suffering at the same time!

I wouldn’t spend your precious energy on defending yourself from posters who don’t get it.

Some simply don’t have either the imagination or life experience to understand. Have they ever had to deal with a failing marriage, or a spouse’s terminal illness, let alone the two together?

Personally, I have seen other relationships in which similar dynamics played out. Ie a relationship that was foundering and then one spouse or other had a major accident or a major diagnosis that made everything incredibly difficult. How it played out depended on the diagnosis, the situation, the couple.

It’s very difficult to run around playing the “angel“ to someone in other circumstances you might be contemplating divorcing. Equally, it’s incredibly hard to watch the father of your children die in front of your eyes.

No judgement from me, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

@aponyatblackbirdcottage
I will try not to add anything that has already been said.

I would consider trying to track down the TA for your DD’s new preschool (social media?) and ask if they would be willing to consider some babysitting work. This will also help your DD settle better in September.

Can you get a carpenter around to turn the door to the sitting room into a stable door with bolts on the inside? That way he is more present at times but the DC can’t surge through the room. Also put a bed down there.

You need to take control of the finances, with or without his blessing. A joint account is imperative. Or POA. —Or simply add his cards to your phone. What’s he really going to do?—

Additional idea:

In some ways you need to redeem this period from being utter shit to something, anything else. Sorry, this sounds a bit mad, but I would actually lean right into the chaos and have a party. Sometimes people like your DH improve in the company of others? Pick a date and do it. Gather your people, his people, anyone you like, wear your party clothes and be together while you can. Even if it is gathering around him in The Chair. Appoint someone to be official photographer, or even invite a photographer to get some really nice shots, and go for it…At least your DC will remember ‘Daddy’s Party’.

A lot of people showed up for my parent’s funeral and I have always thought that it was such a shame that we didn’t do that gathering while they were still alive.

Xpost - exactly.

I think just ignore posters who are bewildering to you, it doesn’t serve you now.

No doubt he is, he’s not going to become a different person. But again I’d just try to face forward for now, deal with the day to day which is already tough and take whatever help you can.

Yes his wife is “poor me” because she losing her husband, trying to keep the kids calm and facing being a widow with young children whilst the husband is doing performative working. I’d say she could absolutely do with a handhold and a massive moan because she is dealing with a very shit situation.

I don’t think there are any right or wrong feelings when it comes to cancer or sudden severe disability, for the whole family. It’s all difficult but letting yourself feel whatever you do is important. I think some people facing death just carry on as normal, others do the opposite and have a bucket list. Again I don’t think there is a right or wrong. It’s all hard and it’s all grief but I think still important to cherish any fleeting moment you do have, in my opinion. Personally I would need to say what I would need to say.
I think the OP is here to try and figure things out by getting lots of different opinions and that is very brave of her.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation op you have my deepest sympathy. But can I just say with kindness that if your husband has stage four cancer that has metastasised into the bone, it won’t go on for years op. Sadly for him he probably has months left not years. Try to focus on helping him leave memories for the children and spend the time sorting out his will and finances. It’s likely that he will soon become too ill to even work.

It’s entirely normal that big shocking news makes you reevaluate all kinds of things in life. It’s also obviously true that something can be inconvenient, unpleasant, difficult for you even if no one is really at fault. And that a person can be both unwell and also selfish, their actions can be understandable and also objectively not optimal. I don’t know why people have come down so hard on you, I think every feeling you’ve expressed is completely natural.

I hope that as you get more clarity about the diagnosis and treatment options that will help you to plan for the future. When you’re living in a lot of uncertainty it’s like trying to hold all the possible futures at once and that’s exhausting. The next few years will be hard, but you will only have to live one version of hard not all the bad outcomes that you may be imagining now.

I hope that more clarity will also help your husband to process what’s happening and to at least communicate with you about what he wants and needs, and what you and the children need.

Right now, from what you describe, there’s not a great solution. He is overwhelmed and avoiding everything, not able or willing to think about the impact on you. So for the moment it sounds like you have to focus on one day at a time, keeping yourself and the kids busy.

You are right to look for a space where you can talk about the impact all this is having on you, the resentment you feel, the weight of responsibility. I’m sorry this thread hasn’t entirely been that place. A good friend, therapy if you can afford it (and can find a child free hour in the week).

OP, here for a handhold.

If you’ve ran out of money to do activities (or if you feel like you have), I would just stop doing them. I understand it would be difficult to manage the kids, but that’d be the point. I bet that after two or three days with the kids going feral and making working and life generally difficult your husband will ask for you to take them out, and he might agree then to contribute financially when you explain that you can’t afford it (as he should, he’s the children’s parent).

It’s really sad that it has to come to that, I find that he’s still being really unreasonable.

Oh op, I’m so sorry. Everything just sounds so hard for you. Be kind to yourself, you are trying to cope with the looming loss of your husband and the father of your children. You have had some frustrating years with this man and now he is being challenging whilst ill, your life is very much in limbo and you must feel so powerless in the whole situation. All you feel you can do is watch and wait and I understand why. You now have ‘carer’ added to your list of roles that you must play, you must feel so exhausted and trapped, but also in shock and already grieving for you and your children.

I have no advice that would be of any use but I wonder, is any one looking out for you? Can anyone take your children for a few hours to give you some time to yourself?

I honestly cannot believe some posters are putting you in the position of having to defend yourself @aponyatblackbirdcottage the absolute lack of compassion and empathy from some posters is about as shocking as MN can be. I’m just glad the majority are supportive to you as they should be. You are doing an amazing job as a parent and wife at the moment and it is absolutely okay for you to have and express complicated feelings around your own experience in this.