Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

I don't agree, this is a dying man in extreme pain with a very short life expectancy if he's already largely immobile.

You simply can't make demands of anyone at this stage and for him to "find other ways of coping" is not a reasonable ask.

There are at least 2 other rooms and a landing upstairs in the house, the children need to be in those or the garden if going out is too wearing or too expensive.

The OP is writing from a place of desperation, none of this post is intended to be any criticism of a women at the end of her tether.

OP I havent read the lot but only 1 in 5 with cancer metastasized to the bone will survive more than 6 months. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8764008/ I think you are not wanting to face up to that.

Can you hire a mother's help - 16 or 17 year old willing to play with kids in the garden for 4 hours would be £32 - cheaper than a day out and you would have a few hours to rest and recover. If you dont have a tent to put up for shade get a garden gazebo. If there is a Morrisons near you they have advertised one for £20. Use the first few hours to speak to McMillan or just to have a sleep, either is likely to make you feel better.

He doesn’t need to work. OP has said that.

Can he drive? If so, couldn't he rent a space for school hols in a co-working environment?

He does need to work, it is the only thing left to him that is making his life remotely bearable.

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if this has been suggested………

if DH has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, have you advised your life insurance/earning insurance? They will likely pay out and cover your mortgage if it was set up to do so which would take the weight of that bill off your mind and maybe free up some cash for you. I know it won’t help with the kids over the summer but may lighten the load in general.

also, when the PIP claim is approved, if you earn under £200 per week, you will be able to claim carer’s allowance. It’s not a huge amount, £80ish, but again - it might help lighten the load going forward.

i feel a little like you are stuck in a rut and can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe try a few things that enable you to start to see a flicker - as time goes on, that light will get brighter! Xx

sending hugs OP, it is a truly shitty situation you are in xx

I believe you. This is what my marriage has been like. Men feel they can do this and society supports them because they are 'working' when really it's just avoiding home life. My husband would work 10 hrs and then be out all weekend taking photos because he 'needed a break'. I was working too, 3 days like you. Sorry this is happening to you. When it gets closer think about hospice care very seriously. And really take any time for yourself that you can take. Where is his family?

Thanks all. I have a middle ground between the two camps of extremely unwell and can’t help it and irredeemably selfish. It’s somewhere betwixt and between, with some selfish tendencies exacerbated by illness (understandable.)

I do have access to money, but DH is the main earner so when it comes to big decisions that cost a lot he has the final word if you like. It shouldn’t really be like that, but it just is and it’s pointless saying otherwise. By that, I mean fill the car up with fuel, no questions asked, £900 for a couple of days respite from Dd, absolute not and I do get that.

I do feel a bit better now. I always knew this summer was going to be horrific for want of a better word but all sorts of people struggle with holidays for all sorts of reasons.

Sounds a very difficult/ impossible situation.

Can you buy in outside help ? An au pair or mother's help type of person to look after the kids for a bit of time each week?

Id be tempted to present it to your husband as a fait accompli / this needs to happen, for the sake of your mental and physical health.

Just let the kids have the run of the living room. You're at the end of your tether, very justifiably so, and as DH won't listen to reason nor care about you and the kids during this difficult period, then he's going to have to take notice as they run riot around the living room.

Take yourself off to the bathroom for a long shower, and leave them all to it.

Op this is very hard.

He has opted out of being a parent for years and now you can't take him to task over it as he has a critical illness which gives him a justifiable reason for not stepping up.

The resentment you feel however has been burning deep for a long time.

If he doesn't need to work and he is choosing to volunteer then I would just let the children get on with it.

Maybe mentally it’s the way he’s chosen to deal with it.
Of course the OP deserves empathy but the guy is dying, there s simply no point re hashing everything he’s done wrong. It’s not fair to him.

He provided a good salary & presumably has life insurance etc to go with it.

Try to focus on the positive while trying to make changes in the day to day.

OP, I read your previous thread and you got an unnecessarily hard time so I hope you get better support now.

You can't go on for months and years in a half-life. You need to move to a property where your H can work away from the family. For your own sanity and for the sake of the children.

He provided a good salary & presumably has life insurance etc to go with it.

He controls the OP's access to money. She is not an equal partner here. If he wasn't dying, he'd be called a financial abuser.

He is dying. And by the sounds of things pretty soon.

OP I won't give you any advice as that's clearly not what you need and you've been given lots anyway. I just wanted to give you a virtual hand hold and say that I am so sorry for the totally shit situation you're in. It's ok to just vent here but honestly, I never cease to be astonished by the total lack of empathy of Mumsnetters. Of course you can't start reading the riot act or installing garden rooms! One thing you might consider is seeing if your local council
has an early help team. Ours does and they are all over the statutory benefits that you'd be entitled to.

I really hope that MacMillan are able to help support you for however long this goes on for. Big hugs xx

If you are able please make sure that wills and finances are in order, if accounts are all in his name it may be difficult for you to access money if he dies, open a joint account if you don’t already have one and get him to put enough in it to cover your monthly outgoings for a few months.

I would ask him to lock himself in the lounge and turn this into his office /bedroom for the foreseeable. You then turn other rooms in the house into lounge. Can you switch the dining room in half so half lounge, half dining room, so you and kids can have your own space without encroaching on his office/bedroom
space. It is sad though that all he does is work and sit in this chair and not get out, that would make me very depressed. 😔 None of it is ideal and what you wanted from life but you can try and make the most of it. Also we are nearly half way through the holidays but you need a long term
solution that works for all the family.

Have you been to your local library or Citizens advice to find free things to do in your area.

Or join mother & children groups

There are carer support groups too

Just read that about the legal position, defo get access to the joint bank accounts and his will so you know what’s happening. Life sounds stressful enough for you x

You'll be spending 900 quid entertaining them this holiday period by yourself

Honestly OP, as callous as it sounds, him bone mets causing unmanageable pain isnt a 'carry on for years' cancer, regardless of not knowing his primary. You might just have to knuckle down and encourage him to create some happy memories with the kids so they remember him as dad and not just the man who sat in their house

What an awful situation for all of you. Do you have any support from friends or family?

If you want to reach out to MacMillan (they were hugely helpful when my sister had stage 4 cancer, and talked me through what to expect and her behaviour towards me), you can phone their helpline directly. Contact details are here. https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help/macmillan-support-line#:~:text=Call%20free%20on%200808%20808,respond%20within%202%20working%20days.

They offer drop in sessions in our local libraries- is there the same in your area? They do offer support to relatives and not just patients. The lovely nurse thst I spoke to was actually on my side and told me that my sister's behaviour was unacceptable. She said that cancer doesn't make someone a saint and if they were difficult before they may well be even more difficult with a cancer diagnosis, and suggested coping strategies for myself. It was really non judgemental and helpful. Good luck. Xx

There are so many things going there.
It very much sounds like you were already resentful of your dh not pulling his weight (understandably) and had sort of made peace with it thinking things would get easier as they get older, your dh would find it easier etc….
Except that his illness has suddenly destroyed all those hopes. Not his fault ifc but suddenly Thetes no light at the end of the tunnel.
You were already running in fumes doing all the parenting etc etc… and now you’re asked to be a carer too. No wonder it feels unmanageable.

And then your dh, as PP have pointed out, is loosing himself in work agd usi ng tyat as a distraction. He is nowhere near the point of acceptance (that he is ill and less abled than before).

Yet all the family still runs around his wishes and his needs (see first point).

I really dint think you can do much more than you already do for your dh. He can reduce his hours of he wants to. He is only going to do that when he has decided to do so.
But you dint have to have the whole house organised around him.

It’s summer, school hols. He refuses to pay for nursery. Fine. He is also going to have to cope with children in the house playing, fighting, crying etc….
You can’t take them out all day everyday. Not for you, not for them. Maybe that will be a learning curve for him for the future.

Then I’d urge you to organise your days as if you were single. Act as if he wasn’t here. What would work best for you re rhythms for food, going to bed etc…? Stick to that. He can’t and/or doesn’t want to participate that means you’re the sole person in charge. What is it that will make it easier for you?
Same with activities in the day etc…

There is a lot more to organise but one step at the time.

What happens to the kids while you're working over the summer holidays OP?